Open Relationship?
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Open Relationship?
| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:56am |
I'm really grasping at straws here. I started dating my boyfriend 3.5 years ago. I was 19 and moved in together after about a month and we got engaged after about three. I can't even explain to you the ups and downs that we've had together. He is the first serious love of my life. After a about 6 months I started noticing his wandering eye. Then I realized not only was he looking he was touching too. I was devasted. He never made any apologies or offered to change. All he offered me was his love and I accepted. We changed apartments, (too many bad memories in the first), and things got worse in the next apartment. After the first year he never lied about seeing other girls(although he didn't exactly offer the information either) and I agreed to try an open relationship. We didn't get along at all, our sex life was non existent. So when the lease ended, we decided to try living apart. We had already broken up a few months earlier, but were still cohabitating. He was going to move in with his family, and I was going to stay with a friend until I got a car and could move home. The day that I was supposed to start staying with her, he said that it was too sad and I should just stay with him until I got things straightened out. Six months later, we've never gotten along better. Now, I just want to make it clear, that I am no angel. I've had my share of extracurricular activities on the side. Except for one, that I actually tried to leave my b.f. for, but he begged me not to leave him and I didn't, I've never had real feelings for any of them. It was purely physical, no chatting on the phone, no dates, just sex. Now, a couple of weeks ago, I found out he's dating a new girl, and I am completely jealous. I tried to make myself feel better by going to see a guy that I met, but I couldn't go through with it, all I could think about was how much I love my b.f. and it didn't feel right anymore. I told him I was stood up, and acted upset about it. Deep down I was relieved. I got more and more jealous everytime he went to her house, or heard him on the phone. The jealously consumed me. Then he told me that he was sleeping with her. I went out and found an apartment with a roommate but the thought of leaving him had me frozen in fear. I told him that I couldn't go through with it and I loved him and I didn't realize exactly how I felt until now. I told him I couldn't go on with the open relationship any more and I needed him to stop seeing this other girl. He refused saying that he's been struggling with this since he was young(he's 28 now) and me asking him to do this is changing the game since I agreed to the open relationship in the first place. He said that he can't be tied down to a girlfriend and I should probably move out. I assumed that I was his girlfriend since he wanted me to stay. I moved most of my stuff out. I've been staying with family. This is so surreal. I feel like I've died. I've invested almost four years of my life with this man. I've still talked to him and he says that I'm his best friend and he can't bear to lose me. I have never been so close to anyone in my life, and the thought of not seeing him again makes me feel dead inside. I know this is killing the both of us. I feel so betrayed knowing that he has feelings for this other girl. I can't eat, can't sleep. He called me last night and asked me to stay over, (this is the 3rd night since I've left.) Part of me wants to go home to him, but I know it will hurt more in the long run. Then last night, the other guy called me and for a second I was relieved from my grief, and felt like maybe I could go on with the open relationship, because I remembered how good the excitement of meeting someone new can make existing love. Then I was hit hard again with the reality that my b.f. doesn't want to live with me anymore. I feel like I can't go on. I just want to say I'm sorry and go home, I miss his family, I miss being with him. And knowing that he would have me back makes it that much harder. What do I do?
If I go home I know I'll have to do this in a couple of months, and I know I can't keep emotion out of it. I feel like I've been left for another woman even though I made the choice to leave. And the reality of it is that we love each other very deeply, I've never felt so close to another person, he's my best friend. I have no close friends to talk to, he's been everything to me. But I can't stop the jealously that I feel and it's hurting both of us. Has any ever seen a successful open relationship? Do they exist? Or, am I just trying to make this hurt less? And how do you cope with the loss of your best friend and family? I having a really difficult time right now.
If I go home I know I'll have to do this in a couple of months, and I know I can't keep emotion out of it. I feel like I've been left for another woman even though I made the choice to leave. And the reality of it is that we love each other very deeply, I've never felt so close to another person, he's my best friend. I have no close friends to talk to, he's been everything to me. But I can't stop the jealously that I feel and it's hurting both of us. Has any ever seen a successful open relationship? Do they exist? Or, am I just trying to make this hurt less? And how do you cope with the loss of your best friend and family? I having a really difficult time right now.

As for these questions:
Has any ever seen a successful open relationship? Do they exist?
You might try a different board to get some answers.
Carrie
Well, I was trying to find a board that could help you with the open relationship issue, but it seems we don't have one like it on iVillage.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
At this point, you need to just make a clean break from this situation in order to heal yourself emotionally because you sound like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You need to dedicate time to yourself and get yourself together so that you can function in life because the world doesn't stop when you are in pain. Also, I don't think that your ex-boyfriend has your best interests at heart, but only his own. I say that because he basically wants his cake and eat it too - based off of the situation with his new girlfriend and you. Since the beginning of the relationship that you have had with him, he has always exhibited selfish behavior - and you chose to either overlook or give him another chance. Don't beat yourself up over it, we have all been there, done that.
As difficult as this situation is right now, it will get better. But in order for this to occur, you are going to have to put forth an effort to start moving on in your life. I am not saying that you and your ex can't be friends in the future, but for right now, you need to detox yourself of this relationship and this situation.
Good luck....
You might want to visit the Breaking Up boards (there are a couple) to help you come to terms with your feelings about ending this relationship. They are very good over there and can help you over the hard road ahead with insight and caring. Most importantly, you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to leave this relationship when it was no longer right for you. That took a lot of guts and I applaude you for your decision and for following through. Stick to your guns - you know this is the right thing and if you go back, you will just be postponing the inevitable and will end up in the same place once again, just older and sadder, and possibly with an incurable STD.
Believe everyone when they say that NO CONTACT is the best way to go - it's like ripping off a bandaid and is really the only way you can move on without unnecessary torture for yourself. Get tested in the meantime and at least you can relieve yourself of that worry.
Hearfelt best wishes to you. Be strong and you will be fine in the end. Really.