OPEN RELATIONSHIP - telling a spouse?
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| Sun, 06-24-2007 - 2:45am |
sorry this message is huge, but i've just been thinking to myself for so many months, i just have to shed some of it in here.
i am 3 years married, somewhat happy (usual arguments and stuff, of course). there is love. we have a child, a lovely 2 year old. we're excellent parents too 8)
my husband is a sweet kind man, who has had little experience with relationships other than me. he doesn't even find pornography remotely tittillating, but he's not a bore in bed! and he's hot! so faithful to me it's actually weird. and lots of other wonderful things, and no, he isn't perfect. by any means (who is).
i have had quite a few previous relationships, none longer than 1.5 years (and that one was excruciating). one of my relationships was broken by the fact that i fell in love with his best friend too. we were all in love with each other. thing is, the jealousy thing kicked in with my boyfriend and i couldn't take it anymore. i was the one that broke it off. i was devastated, i had to say goodbye to not one, but two men i deeply loved, and was deeply inspired by. i broke my own heart. it was so traumatic i didn't date for 2 years.
when i finally met someone new, it was amazing! the world was colorful again! i finally dared to love again. the thing is, during that relationship, i met another man, and developed feelings for him too. i didn't cheat on my boyfriend, i loved him. i couldn't cheat, not after what had happened before. but i was curious about this other man, and i didn't trust myself. i broke up with my boyfriend, because it was the only right thing i could think of doing. he hated me for a while, and i understood. eventually i did date that other guy (i should have stuck with the boyfriend, man. at least he was gorgeous!).
next relationship is now my husband. together 4 years. during this time, i have learned to see the world differently and more openly, especially in terms of relationships. i have never been able to judge people who have affairs for whatever the reasons. i had my reasons once, and if there had been no jealousy, it would have been perfection.
i do not believe that monogamy is a natural state of being. it is a personal choice. i made that choice when i married, yes. i haven't broken that. but after years of living and thinking and sharing my life and child with this man, i've learned that i still have feelings for other guys. i have fallen for 3 of them since i married. two of them never knew. one of them fell for me, but he was a gentleman and nothing ever happened. we just knew. i felt so awful that i told my husband in tears. he didn't hate me. he just hugged me. i don't know what he thought.
i can understand that any spouse would be concerned, to say the least, to learn that their partner is thinking the things i am. but i feel repressed. i have to stop the feelings i have, or avoid people i like, because i need to be respectful of my marriage. this freaking sucks. i've been depressed for years, and now i'm on anti-depressants. my sex drive, until recently (!!!!!), has been unbelievably low (possibly from the meds). but i love my husband and i've been getting frisky with him, not just because the poor dear is so damned horny, but now because i want to jump him too! things are looking up again.
and now that life is beautiful again, i'm starting to have feelings for another guy.
can't you just cry now? i have.
i don't want to have a serious relationship with this other guy. honestly, i don't think he'd care, and that's something i find attractive too - the freedom for both of us. this guy is my friend, and i like him. i'd love to have the freedom to express to him how i feel, but instead i pretend. i pretend to him that i don't have feelings for him. i pretend to my husband that i only think of him. i pretend to myself that monogamy will one day make me happy. and in the meantime, i'm depressed AND on anti-depressants (not a low dose either). i think about my guy friend and am consumed with guilt. i feel sick inside.
this is becoming a familiar feeling.
and in the meantime, i think to myself that if my husband wanted to explore other women, i would be able to accept it. to be honest, it would be good for him to get some perspective, possibly even understand me a little bit better, and take me for granted less. i've thought about it for many months, and have talked to counselors about it in the past, but most of the advice i've gotten has been more conservative, though well meant.
it's not working for me.
my husband is my axis. our family unit is our priority, as we are to each other. and let me tell you, we both put a lot into our marriage, and we have a great kid. i'm not looking for another leading man, believe me - i've got plenty on my plate already! i just want to have fun with other guys sometimes, and when i come home, i want to come home to the wonderful guy that i married.
last night i looked at his face while he was sleeping. i imagined that he was alright with the idea of us having an open relationship. and as soon as i did i felt a love for him that was so deep i haven't felt it in years. this was just in my mind. i was so happy for that moment.
now i am here. i've researched the many types of open and poly relationships out there, and i can see how things can work. i think this would work for me, but i don't think i would be able to convince my husband that it could work. i would encourage him to explore, but i think it might lead to divorce before he considers other options.
how the heck can i do this? CAN i do this? i cannot be the first person to have had this revelation post-marriage. i'm sure it requires a lot of intense couple counseling, which i'm willing to do, but i think he would leave me before doing that.
my options are:
1. tell husband about desire for open relationships and possibly lose him
2. don't tell husband about open relationships and continue to repress and avoid and deny and be overall miserable every time i start to be happy
please help me. and please - no pep talks on the benefits of monogamy, or how i should change my point of view. i'm trying. it's sucking for me.
thank you,
phrannie_leo

Phrannie, I know you don't want pep talks about monogamy or us trying to talk you out of this. However, as I've had success in overcoming my own similar feelings, perhaps you'd be interested in knowing how I got past it?
I do know what it's like to keep finding yourself attracted to other men because I cheated on my ex a number of times. I would make a male friend, we'd become close friends and one thing would lead to another. I didn't like the cheating, but I did enjoy the buzz of finding a new man and the mutual attraction. I also considered asking for an open marriage.
Since then, I met my now husband and we had kids. I didn't want to place any risks on our relationship or children and decided to make changes. Through much self analysis I realised that I am unable to have a close platonic friendship with a male. Rather than being 'strong' and unsuccessfully trying to deny myself those feelings of lust and infatuation (just as you've attemptd), I've found it better to just avoid men all together.
These days I only have female friends. I do girly hobbies too. I have met people though these boards but I only correspond with women. I now work in a female dominated industry. I still like men better than women, but I'm just not going there because of the risks.
I would suggest that instead of trying an open relationship, you make changes in your life so that you stop becoming friends with men. If you take away the temptation, you won't find it so difficult. If you're like me, you will get used to it and start to appreciate the inner peace that avoiding temptation brings. However, if you do decide to leave your marriage in favour of open relationships, please give full custody of your child to your husband. I firmly believe that a child should not be raised in this lifestyle.
I have another thought on your issue too. As your yearnings for other men have only surfaced since you've been married, is it possible that your husband is not satisfying all your needs? Looking back, I realise that this was related to me cheating during my previous marriage. I was looking for the attention and good feelings that my marriage didn't give me.
Just some food for thought.
I will warn you upfront that you are very likely to get criticised for your post. Hopefully there will be some practical suggestions in it all, but you will likely be told some not so nice things too.
Edited 6/24/2007 5:31 am ET by iv_aisha2004
I would work on why you want other people and not just your husband. You say you love him, your child and your life, what more do you want? If you want to have many guys get divorced and then have your freedom.
If you tell your husband and he is smart he will leave you for someone who only wants him.
Sorry, but if you love other men or lust after them that easily, there is something wrong that needs to be figured out. You are trying to justify wanting an open relationship by saying monogamy is not normal. When you took vows you choose to forsake all others.
thank you VERY much for such a well thought out response. i read it this morning and have been thinking about your advice all day.
the sacrifices you have made are intense. it's encouraging that you have found peace this way. it takes a very strong person to do what you have done.
my life, as it is right now, however, involves having male friends (i am in school), and my best girlfriends are all just like me - one of the guys. i don't think it would be possible for me to phase out the possibility of being friends with men. my chosen career path certainly has it's share, and there are many MANY great people. that alone i cannot abandon, and avoiding men there would be virtually impossible. not to mention that i love my friends platonically, regardless of gender. if i avoid my guy friends right now, i'd have to avoid my girlfriends too. and THAT i will never do. my girlfriends make my world go round. i cannot live without them.
you are right, there are some things lacking in my marriage. the spontaneity and creativity, for one. we certainly try to spark things up in the bed. it's getting better and better 8) emotionally, i do feel unchallenged sometimes. certainly things get boring and predictable, and that kills me. not all the time, but some of the time. and those are times that i'm out with friends and in school and with my kid, or by myself. we've had couples counseling for over a year, but the last time was almost a year ago. i know we could use some more. i'm in therapy myself, and will bring this up with my doc next time for sure.
at this point, it's impossible to extricate myself from other cool guys. and honestly, i don't want to. but i will keep what you said in mind. perhaps as i get older and the pool of cool available men get smaller, things will be easier for me. realistically, at this time, i just can't.
but i am sure it took you a while to get to where you are now. knowing that you have does give me hope for the future.
right now, my only hope and dream is that my husband would be able to accept what i feel, and even be open to the possibility of having an experience of his own. even before i have one. i hate denying myself, i hate myself every time i repress my feelings, every time i am with my husband and i think of another man. i want him to know that he is my rock, that he is the best man in the world for me. but how can i do that, when living monogamously with him makes me miserable? it's a catch 22. and then the scarier question - IS he the best man for me? if i tell him how i feel, and he leaves me, then i guess he was not... it would be devastating. but it would be true. we did marry before a year of being together, and our son was one heck of a traumatic unplanned pregnancy right after we eloped (birth control failure - and here's my shameless plug: DON'T USE THE ORTHO EVRA PATCH!!!! IT FAILS A LOT!!!). i hope my husband is the best man for me. i hope we can get through this, i really really do. i just can't lie to myself anymore. and i can't lie to him.
i do know couples who have open relationships and have children, come to think of it. the kids are all around my sons age. i know for sure one of the couples is very happy. and i can think of one dearest girlfriend of mine who is miserable with her wonderful husband because she feels trapped. they have a child too. honestly, all SHE needs is to get with another woman every once in a while and i'm sure her husband will seem much more beloved to her. it's strange how these things work, but i have seen them work.
i cannot lose the men in my life, no matter how high the risk of me faltering - and believe me i am being as strong as possible now even though i cry by myself all the time. i have behaved, and i have felt awful about it.
i cannot lose my girlfriends. i cannot lose my son. but after much thought and reflection, if my husband is the one i lose, i will be able to pick up the pieces. i know myself at this time. i think i will need to tell him, because i just CANNOT lie, nor can i cheat on him. i need to be honest with myself, and in order to do that, i need to be honest with him. i may not always have the feelings for men that i do now, and i hope that is the case. but i can't live any longer feeling this way. i need to talk to my friends who have open relationships and have children. i moved away from them almost a year ago, but hopefully they will be able to help me through this.
and thank you very much for the warning that there may be close minded responses here. i'm prepared to not take them to heart. you are very kind to share your experiences with me.
and in terms of my son, i think if my husband and i split, we would both be willing to go to counseling to see what would work best for our child. for the time being, if my husband had custody of my son, i would make every sacrifice to be close to them, and live my life without denying my feelings (and i'm sure i would love my husband, even if he becomes my ex, regardless). but if i lose my son, i will die. die completely dead.
for now, i'm being strong. i'm going to talk to my therapist. i will talk to my friends with open relationships.
thanks again for your advice. i will NOT forget it 8) and we shall see how life goes.
take care,
phrannie_leo
I get a very strong emotion-like feeling from lust. It is really intense. My guess is that this is what you are going through, and that you let it consume you, in a Obsessive kind of way so it escalates and develops an unresolved feeling.
If you are to ever be happy in a marriage, you will need to discern this intense hormone-filled time from love. Love is more it involves more head and heart than hormones in the long run.
I cope with it by privately accepting that it's okay to appreciate a well built or fun intelligent man and have a few passing thoughts of intimacy (read few and passing with emphasis). This way, there is no forbidden fruit type frustration. There's no shame in being human and notice some one is attractive to you. Just don't go obsessing on it so that it begins to be more intense than the real love for which you married.
Good luck. I suggest cold baths and giving the hubby a bj. :)
Edited 6/24/2007 10:00 pm ET by ubersilly
LOL! i needed a response like yours. it's nice to know that i'm not alone in my feelings. so many times i have felt like a freak. i do fantasize about other guys, and it does help. that's how i'm coping right now. ugh. freaking hormones.
i do love my husband, but like iv_aisha wrote in this post, it may be a sign that my marriage is not the best one for either me or my partner. we did marry before a year, and our kid came right after. our relationship has never been terribly stable, and we were still getting to know each other after our son was born, which is only tons of stress added to us still trying to figure things out. we know each other much better now, and he knows that i'm having a hard time. he's not terribly helpful, but he's aware that i am not happy. i feel i can tell him almost anything, and the only thing keeping me from blurting out everything i said on these posts to him is the fact that i don't want him to leave. he's a wonderful man, but i don't know if he is the best man for me. maybe that's the root of the whole problem. i've been thinking so much the last couple of days. the realisations i am having are disturbing. so much therapy ahead...
i will keep the BJ in mind, tho. the poor dude could use one!
thanks for your message, it's helping my brain process 8)
take care,
phrannie_leo
Anyway I'm sure that doesn't help much but I wanted to refer you to the "Taboos" board at ivillage, they have a really good open relationship section that is very helpful
Good luck!
Hi kinky498,
Here's the link that the previous poster was refering to:
Taboos
hi there,
i understand where you're coming from and think that some of the advice you've received on this board is excellent. when you say monogamy isn't natural, i'd amend that to: "monogamy is more natural for some people than others, and for some people, it's practically impossible!" everyone's wired differently, and it may be that your husband finds being faithful comes naturally. you, however, don't find monogamy easy (pardon the pun). but that doesn't mean you can't be monogamous through the exercise of a little self-control, and making sure that your lustful feelings have some outlets that don't involve cheating (e.g. writing your thoughts in a journal; writing a novel in which the female character has several passionate affairs; reading romances; watching romantic movies, etc.).
when i fist started dating my boyfriend, i found that i kept having feelings for several of my male friends and, in a couple of cases, this led to kissing them (though i never let it go any further). what i found helpful was talking about how i felt, and why i was acting the way i was, with friends (male and female) who didn't judge me. just having someone to listen to my feelings was a great help. if you don't have friends you'd feel comfortable sharing with, i'd recommed a therapist. he or she might help you work through all your complex feelings and find some sort of resolution.
it sounds like you have a great husband and a wonderful child, and it would be a shame for you to throw all of that away when you don't need to by starting to sleep with other guys...
good luck!
wow, thank you all for your responses. for the Taboos link, and the camaraderie. it helps me just to know that there are others like me.
last night my husband saw one of my email subjects about open marriage, and when he saw me the first thing he said was "i love you." he isn't open to the ideas i've been having, but at least he wants to figure something out. i don't know what is ahead, but at least he is still here, and neither one of us wants to lose each other. he knows i'm very unhappy right now and he knows why. it's a start towards something else.
many hugs,
phrannie_leo