opinions....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
opinions....
5
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:33am
I'd like some objective opinions....

I broke up with my ex last August. Condensed version: we had broken up before, got back together but didn't know how to make it work. During this time, he became withdrawn and shut me out (he was sinking into depression) and became emotionally attached to someone that went to the same therapist he was going to. I knew there were problems but not that there was another that he felt 'safer' with. At any rate, this was too much for me, I felt cheated upon, we had a huge fight and I said things to hurt him because he hurt me so deeply. Over the past 8 months, there has been very little communication - probably less than a half dozez exchanges in any form. When I spoke to him in Jan he sounded very despondent. I gather that he had been hitting bottom and getting through the days were a struggle. He then started forwarding the touchy feely emails to me (along with other close friends & family)but there was never any direct communication.

Jump ahead - he recently sent me info on subjects that he knew I would like and it turned into an extended exchange. In that exchange he did say some things that I was surprised at. In general, I got the feeling he was seeing me for the first time and missing me. He was surprised to hear that I had forgiven him and expressed gratitude for knowing me and being able to see these wonderful qualities he listed. In all of this he did not say "I'm sorry I did what I did" though I am fully aware that he is sorry he hurt me but these aren't the same things. Personally, I do not want an apology via email anyway. He asked if we could have lunch one day and I said yes. As of yet, we still have not talked to each other.

It took me a while to forgive him and learn to live without him. I wanted to marry this man. He is a good man and I still care about him but I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness for him. I do not know that he has ever really been sure about his feelings for me. For that reason, I know I must set and keep the boundaries if there is to be any friendship at all. I also know that in order for there to be any friendship we have to start again - I do not know the man he is now.

I'm not sure that I'm asking anything specific - just some unbiased opinions. My friends and family aren't exactly objective about this - they mostly give me extremely negative comments about him which are not helpful at all.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: anim8ed
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:37am
Go slow and keep to those boundaries..... Hopefully someoen else will have some advice for you because from the past relationship with him, I see a ton of red flags and I'm not sure they really got resolved.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: anim8ed
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:52am
What do you want from this man at this point? A chance for to retry the relationship? A friendship? Closure or resolution? Forgiveness from him? If you know what your expectations are, it will be easier to set the boundaries and stay in control. I think you have to weigh what the positives and negatives are of having this man back in your life in any capacity. If you do end up seeing him, I would suggest taking it very very slowly, being honest with him about how you feel, but not expecting anything from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: anim8ed
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:54am
Sorry, one more thought. I think it's perfectly okay to decide that you want nothing to do with this guy, and tell him that. The relationship didn't work, there is no obligation to continue a friendship. You are in control, and you should not do anything more than you are comfortable with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
In reply to: anim8ed
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:03pm
I'm not really sure what I want. I have mixed emotions about him at the moment. I would be lying if I said I never thought about if the relationship could work. I loved him deeply. I had these thoughts even before this exchange. I have thought about this man daily since we broke up. Not always in a longing, haven't gotten over him sense, but in things remind me of him, I hope he is doing well and I hope I can find another man who had his good qualities sense. However, I also am quite firm on what I want at this point in my life even if he isn't. I have no way of knowing that his difficulties has caused a change in him (such painful ordeals usually result in emotional growth, but not always) to want the same things or not. We haven't communicated enough to know one way or another. And I'm am remaining skeptical.

I have already let him know that some topics are not appropriate and that we need to get to know each other as we are now. We can't start over and we can't pick up where we left off but we can start from here. I'm leaving it up to him. I will not initiate anything as I have nothing to prove to him.

Thanks for your responses. I agree - he can't be in control of the direction of any future relationship that we may have. I must be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: anim8ed
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:10pm

The reason you havent gotten an apology from him is because he probably isnt sorry...He can say all of these kind words, but when it comes down to his actions (even still), it says a whole different story. I beleive that if he was sorry, not only would he have said it by now, he would of tried t resolve things and gain your trust back..he hasnt. He mentioned lunch and you havent talked to him since..


Remeber why you broke up in the first place.It takes more than you just forgiving him to work thru something like that.Things actually need to change before it will work.


Good luck,