opinions....
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| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:33am |
I broke up with my ex last August. Condensed version: we had broken up before, got back together but didn't know how to make it work. During this time, he became withdrawn and shut me out (he was sinking into depression) and became emotionally attached to someone that went to the same therapist he was going to. I knew there were problems but not that there was another that he felt 'safer' with. At any rate, this was too much for me, I felt cheated upon, we had a huge fight and I said things to hurt him because he hurt me so deeply. Over the past 8 months, there has been very little communication - probably less than a half dozez exchanges in any form. When I spoke to him in Jan he sounded very despondent. I gather that he had been hitting bottom and getting through the days were a struggle. He then started forwarding the touchy feely emails to me (along with other close friends & family)but there was never any direct communication.
Jump ahead - he recently sent me info on subjects that he knew I would like and it turned into an extended exchange. In that exchange he did say some things that I was surprised at. In general, I got the feeling he was seeing me for the first time and missing me. He was surprised to hear that I had forgiven him and expressed gratitude for knowing me and being able to see these wonderful qualities he listed. In all of this he did not say "I'm sorry I did what I did" though I am fully aware that he is sorry he hurt me but these aren't the same things. Personally, I do not want an apology via email anyway. He asked if we could have lunch one day and I said yes. As of yet, we still have not talked to each other.
It took me a while to forgive him and learn to live without him. I wanted to marry this man. He is a good man and I still care about him but I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness for him. I do not know that he has ever really been sure about his feelings for me. For that reason, I know I must set and keep the boundaries if there is to be any friendship at all. I also know that in order for there to be any friendship we have to start again - I do not know the man he is now.
I'm not sure that I'm asking anything specific - just some unbiased opinions. My friends and family aren't exactly objective about this - they mostly give me extremely negative comments about him which are not helpful at all.
Thanks!

Carrie
I have already let him know that some topics are not appropriate and that we need to get to know each other as we are now. We can't start over and we can't pick up where we left off but we can start from here. I'm leaving it up to him. I will not initiate anything as I have nothing to prove to him.
Thanks for your responses. I agree - he can't be in control of the direction of any future relationship that we may have. I must be.
The reason you havent gotten an apology from him is because he probably isnt sorry...He can say all of these kind words, but when it comes down to his actions (even still), it says a whole different story. I beleive that if he was sorry, not only would he have said it by now, he would of tried t resolve things and gain your trust back..he hasnt. He mentioned lunch and you havent talked to him since..
Remeber why you broke up in the first place.It takes more than you just forgiving him to work thru something like that.Things actually need to change before it will work.
Good luck,