Opinions on what to do (guy)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Opinions on what to do (guy)
3
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:34am
Hello everyone,

Last time I visited this site it was on the relation ship break up forum. Just wanted a few opinions as I am some what confused on what to do in my relatoinship. OK ill try to make this short: I have been going out with ths same girl for almost 6 years now. She left me a year ago because she felt rejected that I would not marry her. Anyhow she put me thru hell and really tore me up inside during our break up, which I despertally did not want. Well we have been back together for a year now and everything was great.

Now I have been harboring alot of ill feelings that I have tried to get over when she left me, she lied and said she needed time apart then admitted she was seeing another person from work. Well that did'nt work out for her and I finally did the no contact for many months, she came crying back and said that she made a hugh mistake. I took her back because I really thought she was the one, on top of the bad perspectives I was seeing in the mean time. The problem now is I almost feel like I want to get back at her for what she put me thru in the break up, it was the number 1 worst emotional thing I ever when thru in my life, I almost lost my job and my house. I love her and she is my best friend, but I beleive Im not IN love with her any more. It would be SO tough to move on with out her, we have a house together and the whole dog thing to. There are many other aspects of this relationship, but I would then write on for pages. Is there something Im doing wrong, or is it time to move on? Any questions answered-THX
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:54am
I think that it really depends on your threshold. Are you willing to bite the bullet and put aside your feelings of resentment for what she did to you? If you are not totally in love with her why would you want to waste time (yours and hers) when you could be out finding someone who truely makes you happy. As far as the things you have together, maybe the two of you can reach an agreement on what can be done about those things. I know how messy things like that can be but the outcome will be a happier and emotionally more stable you. Life is what you make of it.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:56am

You seem to have many mixed feelings about this woman, and some of them are surfacing now. On the one hand you love her and say you don't want to move on without her - which means you do want her to share your life with you. On the other you say you are not In Love - and in this case I think it means that you are still hurt and angry about the pain you went through when she broke up. If we do not work something through, if we do not get completion in an area, and attain some measure of true forgiveness, then this area will come back to haunt us - as is now happening to you. The anger you felt then and the bitterness have neither been fully expressed, understood or resolved. Therefore it is now coming up in your life and getting in the way of the love you feel for her. The two of you need to work through what happened between you in the past. As it seems to be a very emotionally loaded situation, I suggest you go together to a couple therapist and talk it all out - do it with someone present who can help, so it doesn't become a time of your just getting revenge and saying things you can't take back and which would destroy the possibility of the two of you going forward.


It is possible that this can be worked through and that trust and love can be re-established enough to build a fine relationship. However, this would take some work and committment between the both of you to deal with what happened full and honestly. Then it can be put behind you and you can move on - in whatever way you then decide is

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:13pm
Trust me, getting back at her would not make you feel better.

If you want to try to save the relationship - consider going to couple's counseling together and work on the issues, deal with your resentment of the past, the betrayal of her lies, etc.

Reading material to consider:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Now if you want to end it, know that there would be no going back once you do this. Do you really want her out of your life?


Carrie