Opposite Sex Friendships
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| Mon, 09-08-2008 - 11:44pm |
I have been going out with my current boyfriend for 4 years now. He just recently got into his fire fighter academy and things have changed significantly since then. Prior to him going into the academy he had just dealt with his step father's death and a miscarriage I had. Therefore, the stressful moments definitely put a strain on our relationship.
He is the type of guy you see, and you think he's a tough guy, but he is genuinely a nice funny person. Many people are instantly enlightened by his personality. Whereas I have the same personality, I tend to hold back when I do not know others. I do not open up easily.
Well in his academy he has met a lot of new friends, and I am ok with it. But there is this one girl he met during the academy that he is now friends with which I just don't know what to think of their friendship. Like any girlfriend I think its normal to not like the friendship between ur b/f and another girl. This girl is going out with one of his close friends which just recently graduated as a fire fighter as well. The girl is nice, but she is those type of girls that are in my opinion over the top. She befriends anyone and anything. She is very friendly and outgoing. She seems to be falling in love with her boyfriend, and I am happy for them; but what I dont like is that they both seem to include my boyfriend in their relationship. Asking him for advice and what not. He told me that since she is an only child she told him that he was "the brother she never had". But I still don't like it.
Me and that girl get along, dont get me wrong. Like she will tell me stories about myself, which she heard from my boyfriend, meaning he talks about me and thats a great thing. But I just don't know why I feel so insecure. I recently went through his phone and saw that they had text messaged eachother. Most of it was work related, but there was this one text which was discussing the fact that she was moving to another district (for fire- fighting). He said how he had hoped that she would have stayed in the same district as him (since it was her first choice, but since her current b/f wants her to work somewhere else, she moved), but that he hoped the best for her. Then he also said I'll miss you" and right after that he put "traitor". And I know he said it jokingly, and I may be making a big deal out of this when it's nothing (I tend to do that). But I just feel uncomfortable with the whole thing. That same week that I saw the text messages, I was not talking to him for some reason. So it made me even more mad that he would contact her and not me. I just feel that maybe he feels that he gets something out of their friendship that he is not getting from my part. Whatever the case may be I feel very insecure at the moment and I dont know what to do.

In my opinion, what you need to do, is get over it.
"Like any girlfriend I think its normal to not like the friendship between ur b/f and another girl."
Not all girlfriends are like this. I completely disagree with ragingangel08 (as usual on this issue), he's not acting "cutesy wootsey" with her, it's not flirting to jokingly call someone a "traitor" for working in another district. You went looking for dirt, and what you found was just an honest little friendship. You know her and get along with her, you know he talks about you to her. So what's the big deal? Having friends of the opposite sex is extremely rewarding, you get a lot of viewpoints and energy that you would never get from your male buddies.
A guy doesn't call a girl his "sister" when he has any inclination of anything sexual or romantic to her whatsoever. I have a guy friend who is almost twice my age who calls me the sister he never had. Romantic feelings? Absolutely NONE. We talk about how great our significant others are and occasionally double date. A girl a guy refers to as a sister is absolutely no threat to you whatsoever. She has a boyfriend. Trust me, you are as safe as can be.
If you want to have a happy and rewarding relationship with your boyfriend, you'll stop looking through his stuff, take on his friend as one of your own, and realize that you have a really good guy. Make a commitment to stop letting this get to you. Your other option is to push him away out of fear and jealousy. You have a wonderful opportunity right now to show him how secure and strong and kind you are, if you take it then your relationship will grow better from it!
Welcome to the board girlconfuzed27,
You feel what you feel. Whether or not we agree with you.
As a man, I simply can not understand why so many women instantly fabricate a worst-case scenario story then place accountability of that fabricated story onto a man.
Perhaps the problem isn't so much with her, but with your own relationship. You said you weren't talking to him at one point. How do you handle the rough spots together? Do you withdraw and clam up? That's not helpful. You both have to learn to be open and communicative with one another. If something bothers you, deal with it on the spot. If you withdraw and close up, then it is a way of pushing him towards someone else.
Some men and women can have very good, platonic friendships. Others cannot. But basically the real issue here is that you have to feel confident in your relationship, and trust your man. If something is missing between you, or if you feel edgy about things, take the time and develop the ability to honestly and lovingly work them out.
Best wishes,
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