Opposites Attracting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Opposites Attracting
3
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 5:41am

I live with my boyfriend and we met almost two years ago...been living together for five months. It's generally a happy and healthy relationship.

One thing that I am having trouble getting used to is the fact that he has many close friends...and I don't. He talks to them a lot and they spend a lot of time together in person. When he and I first started dating I was looking forward to meeting his friends. For quite some time we would hang out. Unfortunately, I can't hide the fact that I simply don't have much in common with his friends and I don't like to spend long periods of time with them. They can chit chat and BS for a long time about things I don't necessarily take an interest in...and even if I did...I don't know if I can BS for long because I was always an introvert and quiet. I like to socialize, but not that much. I always preferred to spend time alone, or alone with that one special someone in my life, with my parents, or with people I do have things in common with...like my co-workers or those I went to school with.

I guess that's normal, but I feel bad because my boyfriend's friends are such a big part of his life! And we don't have any mutual friends. And unfortunately I don't have many friends of my own. Only a few and I don't talk to them or socialize with them often. I feel bad becasue while I want to go out and have fun with him...I never do when his friends are around and he seems to always have a good time with them. They all "bond" over the same things...work, cars, trucks, snowmobiles, fishing, cooking...

I also am embarrassed for having to admit this, but I feel jealous too. I wish I could have the kinds of friendships he has. Maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure.

What do you suggest I do?       

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 10:32am

This is something that you really have to think about when you think about the future of your relationship.  You must find that your BF has some really great qualities, or you wouldn't be with him, right?  Is he really different from his friends?  That is, does he also like work, cars, trucks, snowmobiles, fishing, cooking...?  If he is similar to his friends, then why do you get along with him if he has these same interests that you don't seem to care about?  (I would generally assume that people don't have close friends that they have nothing in common with--that's why I figure that he has the same interests.)

I think that it's difficult to have a long term relationship where one person is very introverted or doesn't like to socialize much and the other person likes to be with their friends a lot.  If you both want to stay together, then you have to find a way to compromise--like you have to spend a certain amount of time with his friends, he gets to go out with his friends without you some times and then you two spend time alone without friends.  I do find it interesting that you say that you like to be with friends if YOU have things in common with them, but then you say that you don't have many friends and wish you had more.  Well it takes a certain amount of effort to have friends--you have to reach out to them and you have to ask them to do things with you.  Maybe the reason that your BF has a bunch of close friends is that they make the effort to get together a lot.  I have a nice group of girlfriends now that I have only met w/in the past couple of years and we are always doing things together and making an effort to keep in touch and see what is going on with each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:55am

If you're jealous of his friendships, then you need to form some friendships of your own.  You can be "quiet" and still have friends.  You just pick friends that have the same interests that you do.  I'm sure of the many co-workers or school friends that you have there are a few with whom you have similar interests, hobbies, etc.  You get out of your comfort zone, actually talk to them, and build friendships.  You meet for coffee, you go to movies together, you visit museums together, or whatever your bonding interests are.  You state that you're jealous of his friendships, and if you had friends of your own, you wouldn't feel so insecure.....well, you've diagnosed your own problem.  You're insecure, and you think that no one is interested in being your friend.  Whether you realize it or not, when others see you as a "loner", they don't see insecure, they see aloofness.  They THINK you're not friendly or approachable.  You need to step out of your comfort zone and approach other people.  Yes, you might be rebuffed by some, but not by all of them.  MAKE friends, and when your b/f has a get together with his friends, you have a girls night out! 

When I was in high school, I thought of myself as shy......and only had a few close female friends.  I never had a date until I was a senior.  The guy I dated was "shyer" than me.  As time went by, I realize that he wasn't shy, he was insecure, and so was I.......we married eventually which was a big mistake, I thought I could fix him, NOT.  We ended up divorcing after 20 years, but I got over my insecurity, he never did.  I went to a high school class reunion years later, and was in shock when one of the most popular guys in the class came up to me and told me that he'd had "his eye on me" in school, but he thought I was "stuck up"!  That's how shyness looks to other people.  Get out of your comfort zone, and make friends of your own.  Even married people can have their own friends and activities.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out and make some changes in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 9:10pm

"You must find that your BF has some really great qualities, or you wouldn't be with him, right?"

Of course.

"If he is similar to his friends, then why do you get along with him if he has these same interests that you don't seem to care about?"

We have the big, important things in common. We are in love, we are financially responsible, we have the same view on marriage, children, and lifestyle. We make each other laugh. He is the loud, talkative, joking, opinionated type and I am the quiet type...because of that I think we compliment each other very well. He makes up for what I don't have in personality and vice versa.

"I do find it interesting that you say that you like to be with friends if YOU have things in common with them, but then you say that you don't have many friends and wish you had more."

 

My boyfriend has friends that are like family. He talks to some every day! They also socialize on a regular basis. The few friends I have, well, I don't talk to them that often and don't socialize with them that much. I guess I miss having those really close friendships...the kind that are like family. I used to have them in high school, but we grew apart.

"If you both want to stay together, then you have to find a way to compromise--like you have to spend a certain amount of time with his friends, he gets to go out with his friends without you some times and then you two spend time alone without friends."

 

You are right.