Out of control totally
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| Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:40am |
My live in boyfriend of 6 months just left me. We started dating by being friends for about a month. Then one night he kissed me. Immediately after and steaming an passionate kiss he told me he had problems with impotence. I discussed this with him a lot over the next few days and I told him that he should go to a doctor. He took my advice reluctantly. At first he said he had learned to live with it. After about two weeks at the doctors he started to improve. The doctor said that he was normal but that he had problems with commitment phobia and that I should take it easy on him. I will also add that my boyfriend is 32 and he has never had a lasting relationship before me. (Part of that though is because he was involved in a war for 6 years in Europe). And I think that is part of the reason he is traumatized.
I noticed that while we were dating that he was sometimes frustrated. He would usually vent his frustrations on objects (hit the wall, tear his clothes) but he was never violent towards me. In January he moved in with me. By that time he had calmed down a lot and we were really enjoying each other. I was really pleased to have him in my house because he was charming, very loving, helpful to me around the house etc... I had a really bad cancer scare at that time. The doctors told me that I had to do some biopsys. Everything turned out ok though. Also around New Years time he started mentioning that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we started to be a family.
I don't think that we fought often. Maybe like once a month. But the one thing that really bothered me is that when we did fight he would always tell me that he was not meant for relationships or mairrage, that he cant see himself having kids etc... It would really upset me when he said those things especially when two weeks ago he said it again after having told me for New Years that it would not be so bad to have a family.
Two weeks ago I was waiting for him to come home and I did not know where he was. He likes to go out with his friends from time to time. While I had no problem with that I was angry because he told me he was coming home earlier. I was waiting with dinner and plans to go to the movies. Finally at 11 pm he walked in. I yelled at him. He immediately told me that he is not meant for relationships and that he can't stand this anymore, and that he is losing his feelings for me and that he had to go and that it is much better for him to be alone. He took some of his stuff and left.
Since he left I have only seen him once. We went out to dinner and to the movies. He was really sweet that night and I thought we were on our way to patching things up. But then afterwards he did not call or write. Last night (6 days later) I finally broke down and called him because I just was so lost without him. I asked to see him. He agreed to see me but he was really upset and kept asking me "what do you want from me and why are you playing games with me". I have never played any games with him.
I never felt a single moment that he ever lost his feelings for me. The night before we broke up he was so sweet and everything was fine. All of the sudden he is just gone. I feel like I am out of control because I can't see him and I can't let him go. What do I do?///

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well i hope you can understand that whatever CAUSED his problems (post trauma, your behavior, his mother, whatever the doctors think of) --- HE is the one who has the problems. ok, so its not HIS FAULT - but it IS his RESPONSIBILITY. as soon as ANY professional (doctor, therapist, social worker) start to talk about FAULT - that is when you find another professional. because that kind of "therapy" will just keep the both of you stuck in one place and not able to move on. so ok - he has these issues - anger, violent attacks, sexual problems - and he is doing zilch to solve them. so ok, you can feel sorry for him, and you can try to help him as a friend, -but do you REALLY want to be with this guy?
what you are describing could be PTSD and it could be some other disorder- but it is HIS disorder.
thanks for your kind thoughts about me - i am fine, cancer free for almost five years (i can't believe it myself!). and i am VERY HAPPY to be getting divorced - my STBX is a nightmare, he is suffereing from God knows what, he refuses to get any kind of help, he pops painkillers and tranquilizers all day (and then lies about how many he takes!), and we had of course many issues, of which sex was just one... I was not aware that the situation in former yugoslavia was so bad. the situation here is very bad in terms of the economy, and the political/terrorism situation. every day that we go out on the bus or to a mall its scary. anyway - if you are ever stationed here please look me up!
The situation in the Former Yugoslavia is very dire indeed. And it will be a long time before it gets that way. I think the psychiatrists are bad here because there is a stigma attached to going to one. Hence they don't get too many patients. It was a major cause of distress to me and we changed doctors twice.
By the way, I took your advice. He called me today mainly because I had broken down and called him to see him for last Wednessday. He said he was free to see me tonight. I told him that I don't want to see him that way and that I want someone who wants to see me. I told him that I love him very much and would love to have him back but that that he has to be 100 % committed to me and to treatment for that to happen. ANd then I just said that If he was ready to lose me then I was ready to lose him too.
And that is how it ended.
I never would have had the courage to do this a few days ago. so thanks....
thank you so much fo ryour support, especially on the day of yet another suicide bombing this morning... its hard on all sides here, jews, non jews, everyone is suffering...
I am glad that you took some healthy steps for yourself. you know - if you can't get decent therapy, maybe some good books? can you order books from amazon? try the dr phil books (or go to his web site). i have found them helpful and insightful, but I also had therapy after that.
good luck to you!
I have read Dr.Phils books and I really like them. As for therapy I don't really think I am going to take that route now. I think I have to sort out for myself why I may these choices. Luckily I have a lot of people I can talk to.
He called me on Friday. I suppose that he was feeling guilty about not going to the doctor with me. He offered that evening as a replacement for us not seeing each other on Wednessday. I just refused. I told him that I can't help him with his guilt and that he should call me if and when he has resolved the conflicts within himself. And that I hope for his sake that it wont be too late.
I have decided that the end of this contract period I want to go home. It is just time for me to get away from here. THere is a lot of traumatized people around and not a chance for a stable relationship. First and foremost it is what I want and since I am 36 I feel that this has to take priority over my career now.
Anyway.... thanks for the support. I heard about the attack and wish you safety and luck.
I would like to keep in touch with you. I don't want to write my e-mail here though... Any suggestions????
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