Is this over?
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| Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:03pm |
Five years ago, five years after my divorce, and once the youngest went away to college I moved to a state I always wanted to live in. Within 2 mos I met a guy who was divorced for 1 1/2 years. He said he would never marry again. I said it wasn't so bad and I would again (i've been divorced twice). Six months later we moved in together after I stipulated that I still expected the relationship to end in marriage. He has two young teenage daughters. My youngest is in her mid twenties. His ex- is infuriated that we've live together and at one point didn't allow him to see his children for two years. He never took her to court. His biggest fear is that she will take him to court and hit him up for more money, so she pretty much does what she wants. Three years ago he decided to move to another state to buy a house because he was getting killed in taxes. I went with him even though I really don't like living here. This summer I managed to establish a cordial relationship with his daughters during their annual visit here. He travels ALOT and only sees them a few times a year anyway. Since that was one of the goals he set before getting married, along with allowing his ex to get use to the idea, giving him time to be over his divorce, establishing an independent relationship with his kids, and other sundry little goals, I mention setting wedding dates. But he says that we need to be more financially stable because if his ex finds out and takes him to court he'll be ruined. He wants to establish a business for us/me to run that will make a lot of money, or something on the side that will make extra money. I'm not rich and not where I should be in my life financially( I'm 9 years older than he and we're both over 40) I have good earning potential and I always taken care of myself and my children since my divorce, helping put one through laws school and one through college. Which is why I don't have much saved. I
When we met he didn't have a place to lay his head. Now he has quarter million dollar house that I helped him fix up, money in the bank and a dream job. I'm still working on getting rid of the same debt I had when I moved five years ago.
I'm tired of proving I'm a worthy partner. I'm tired of waiting. I don't like living together. I'm not hopeful this is going to end in marriage anymore. We get along great except on this subject. But it's important to me. I think he's just stalling. We're not starving, dodging bill collectors, or being financially irresponsible. I've changed jobs several times since we've been together but it hasn't put us in the poorhouse and caused us to miss meals. I'm starting to think I'm just here to help him reach all his financial goals. Is it time to go? Or is there a possibility that this will end up in a proposal. Sorry for the length but I was trying to present all the facts. Thank you for listening :)

Of course it's over.
"He said he would never marry again."
"Six months later we moved in together after I stipulated that I still expected the relationship to end in marriage. "
What the heck were you THINKING?! You expected your relationship to end in marriage when he told you he would never get married again?
You've blinded yourself with your feelings for this man and refused to see the reality that it's not going to work out. You eventually want to marry, he doesn't, that's a glaring incompatibility, it's over, and you're better off finding someone who ACTUALLY wants the same things from life you do.
"I'm tired of proving I'm a worthy partner. I'm tired of waiting. I don't like living together. I'm not hopeful this is going to end in marriage anymore. We get along great except on this subject. But it's important to me."
I could have written that a few months ago. I'm still in a very messy situation, but hopefully I can help a little bit. Marriage is important to you. And YOU should be important to you. Why are you trying to prove yourself to someone else? Love yourself and stand up for what you want.
I know it's so hard to think that a marriage license (just some piece of paper) is enough reason to leave a relationship that's otherwise good. But is it just that? What else have you compromised in trying to prove yourself to him? You'd be leaving because something is important to you and he's not acknowledging it.
One thing that really jumped out at me about what you wrote is him wanting to establish a business for you and him to run? Ok. That's fine, but Get paid. I hate to sound harsh but if you start helping him build a business, for free, then you break up, you have no viable interest in that business, it's his... all his. Then you get resentful. You've heard the stories about the doctors wives working and working and putting their husbands through medical school and he leaves her? hmmm
And what about the house? You moved away to live with him, now what? Is your name on the house? But anyway, no marriage??? Get paid for working FOR him. Don't do anything for free in a business that is his and you get nothing out of it, and don't quit your regular job.
Welcome to the board dd207,
What would change if you two got married?