Overreacting? What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Overreacting? What do you think?
7
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:57pm
This just kills me. I've been going through at lot of problems since the beginning of the year. Including being diagnosed with bipolar depression and am out on medical leave. To be supportive and make sure we paid on time, my husband took over paying of the bills in January. Any bells going off??

I went to check and make sure that we had gotten credit for something we had returned on the American Express. I found that he had borrowed somewhere around $10,000 for purchases he was sneaking into the house. I had asked a couple of times if what I had seen had been paid for in cash from his hobby money. He lied and said yes. (He didn't mention that it was the SAME money over & over.) Today I found another purchase coming from checking for $2,700! That bumps the amount I confronted him with. So much for "coming clean."

He apologized and said that he was sorry for breaking my trust, but he needed a little something to keep him going when I was so wigged out. Jerk had the audacity to suggest that I wouldn't be so upset, if he had already paid it back. He didn't get the issues A) violation of trust B) we are bankrupt C) I'm about to lose my job and I'm the primary breadwinner 4/1 and D) he had done it before and had sworn to never do it again!

He suggested that counseling for his buying problem was inappropriate because I was in counseling and only one person in a couple could be in counseling at the time. I should just calm down and watch his spending from now on. Isn't he shirking the responsibility for the problem?

We are bankrupt because of his NEED for something every few weeks! Am I wrong to be upset? Am I making too much out of this?

I just feel so betrayed and stupid. Here I was worried that I would never be sane or able to leave the house again and he didn't have time to comfort me because he was too busy spending money.

I am such a dope. I let him hang out with womanizing friends and he has a whole group of emotionally bonded women at work who worship him. I thought that was enough!

Am I overreacting? Going bankrupt will ruin my career and I will have to pay support. In 10 years I went from $6/hour to being offered a 6 figure job. I hate to lose it all. I love him, but am not attracted to him anymore. He's more like a funny best friend who just stabbed you in the back.

Jane

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:13pm
No, you are not overreacting.

What is this "rule" that only one of you can be in counseling at a time? Is it due to financial restrictions? Or is this something he made up in order to get out of being responsible? I've never heard of this "rule" and frankly, I think he is using that as an excuse to continue his behavior. I would INSIST on counseling, either individually, (EACH of you), or as a couple. If he refuses, figure out your other options in advance and stick to them.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:31am
You make a terrible example of someone who's supposed to be bi-polar. You seem about as reasonable and level-headed as anyone I know. How about you taking care of your money and him taking care of his? Also, what is he doing to carry the load while you're recovering? shouldn't he be getting a second job or something, instead of satisfying his shopping needs? Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:59pm
You are NOT overracting.

::He suggested that counseling for his buying problem was inappropriate because I was in counseling and only one person in a couple could be in counseling at the time. I should just calm down and watch his spending from now on. Isn't he shirking the responsibility for the problem?

Major RED FLAG. He needs help right now and if he's not willing to get it, then that says a lot about how he feels about you, the relationship and his problem. YOU should watch his spending? I think not, you are not his mother.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 4:35pm
There is no "rule" anywhere that I've seen either. It isn't financial. Thanks for the input. I'm trying to be reasonable, but I think he needs to do something.

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 4:40pm
Maybe the meds are working. :) He says that he is going to sell some of the stuff. I like your idea of the second job.

thanks.

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 4:42pm
Exactly! I think that he should be RESPONSIBLE for his spending and if he can't get it/keep it together because that is better than me, then maybe he needs to be by himself!

Thanks for the input.

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:30am
Jane,

Good for you! I hope you get some positive re-enforcement for handling your medical problem because you deserve it. I also hope your eventual return to the work force is another positive experience for you (mentally) and that you use that to build even more confidence. Best of luck!

Jim