OVERWEIGHT COUPLE AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
OVERWEIGHT COUPLE AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
5
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 4:54pm

What would you do if your husband or boyfriend came to you and said you are not attractive because you are overweight? Say you both got married as an overweight couple and later on all of a sudden he starts to say "Look at your body! Tell me, do you really think your body looks good?" Then he continues... "sorry... men are visual, they are built that way. Were you so naive to think that looks weren't important"

That's what my husband said to me. He is much more overweight than I am. I had a sudden weight gain cause of my hormones. I am going to get treatment of course. But... I feel so confused and upset. He married me knowing I was overweight and for me he was always my special man which I loved deeply. And I do show my love in each and every way and tell him how much I appreciate him. I also tell him that I love him for who he is... I love his body too.. cause that is him. Now after him telling me that I don't know what to do. He told me this a couple of months ago and today he said it again... Just when I thought my wounds were healing...

Say I lost weight (and I really do want to) how would I forget what he said ? I'd always think that he does not accept me the way I am... It would be as if I'm living a big lie...

What would you do if you were in my shoes...? Do you have similar experiences?

I'm looking forward to reading your replies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 6:02pm
Wow. What a horrible way to bring up such a sensitive topic. Bringing up your weight is bad enough, but calling you naive and saying "do you really think" is just being mean for the sake of breaking you down. I would recommend checking out the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and see if it applies to him. My guess is that if he can make a comment like this to you, there's a good chance he's been verbally abusive in other ways that you may not even have recognized at the time. Please know that the problem is entirely with him and that there is nothing wrong with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 6:10pm
Thank you so much for your advice. I will definetly read the book.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:54pm

Welcome to the board dancing winds,


A two things come to mind:


1) Emotional intimacy fuels sexual desire - so when he was 'in love' with you, the weight didn't bother him?


2) the way he brought it up was horrible


I recommend you read Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:31am
In my opinion (and it's pretty narrow at times), I think he would be the same towards you if you lost the weight. People just don't say things like he said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:14am

I respect your thoughts but do not forget my husband is overweight and much more overweight than I am. I married him knowing that he was tons overweight than I was. And that is what I think of a relationship. Accepting eachother for who they are and not belittling them for their looks. And wouldn't it be a lie if I lost weight just because he said he didn't like my body? That it was as if he was granting me a gift for still having sex with me? Wasn't he ever in love with me?

And most important of all... say if you... yes you.. say you get sick one day and gain weight uncontrollably does this give the right to your spouse to say such things or is "in sickness and in health" an old story which should not be applied?

I have researched on the internet about abuse... and when I read it I was surprised to see that him not liking my body was only the tip of the iceberg which was a real eye opener... He did and still is abusing me emotionally in several ways... Now I know.

Now... am I stupid to still be with him? I am just in love and I hope we can work it out... I don't think I can give up without a fight.

So I wish you the best and still thank you for your sincere reply.

Hope that you will never experience the similar and never will be sick in your life when you are with your spouse.