Overweight husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Overweight husband
10
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:04am
I am married to a wonderful man. However, he has gained about 75 lbs. since we got married 14 years ago. I have tried "gentle" messages letting him know that I think he should lose weight and once, in anger, called him fat. He won't even try to lose weight. I am not thin, but am in good physical shape as a result of working out. I have an e-mail relationship with an ex-boyfriend who is in phenomenal shape and instead of it making my husband want to lose weight, it just causes him to find other ways to put this guy down (he's happily married too, and there's no sexual aspect to the relationship, just friendly keeping up with each other's lives). Anyway, my husband consistently looks for me to tell him that I find him attractive and then gets angry when I don't. I let him know he's a wonderful father and husband and that I love him, but just can't lie about his lack of physical appeal. Has anyone been successful in getting your spouse to improve his appearance?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:34pm
Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue talks about 'what's important in a relationship to you' section - talks about personal appearance and how important it is to express to your partner that it's one of your requirements - maybe you could read the book with him and do some of the quizes in the book.

Hopefully someone here has some experience with this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 5:31pm
I've been the unhealthy spouse! In fact, I'm still working on that. My husband is 5'8"

and 127 lbs soaking wet. He's very lean (he's a martial artist). Me? Well, when we got engaged, I was 255lbs and 5'6". When we got married a year later, I was down to 200. When we celebrated our first anniversary, I was 235! Well, at our second anniversary, I was as skinny as I've been in over 10 years (down to 175 - thanks to Medifast). I still don't feel attractive. I've got another 35-40lbs to go this year (by June if I can). One thing that helped me out was when my husband and I started doing active things together in our "quality time". For example, I invited him to walk down to a local coffee shop with me on a beautiful summer morning. That became addictive and we started taking the 3 mile round trip to "our spot" every weekend. Now that he's working a different schedule than me, and we don't get to do those things together anymore, I find myself struggling to keep my weight down again (but I have PCOS, so there are medical issues there as well - but basically, I'm lazy. Eat too much, work out too little).

I finally just got sick of it and jumped on a program called Medifast. I felt so much better. My feet used to be painful, but they don't hurt any more.Does your husband feel any ill effects of his weight gain yet? For example, does he complain about his feet hurting? Knees?

Another thing that helped was a friend went through my closet and got rid of those clothes that were "comfortably large" on me, leaving me with clothes that fit really perfectly or were a little tight. It tightened my belt (literally) 'cause I can't afford a new wardrobe (nor do I enjoy shopping - yet - even though I'm down to a 14/16).

Due to the love and support of my husband, family, and friends, I am sitting in front of my computer in my first pair of levi's in over a decade (I'm only 23). One thing my husband DIDN'T do was ever tell me I was ugly, fat, or unattractive. He always said I was gorgeous, sexy, etc. It gave me confidence to be seen in public and do active things with him, rather then putting me down and making me feel as if I couldn't keep up (at that time, we lived on a 4th story apartment - so stairs were daily). Keep up the good work in supporting him, but maybe a little lie would help him feel better and want to take better care of himself? What about not keeping those harmful snacks around the house? Does he binge on chips? Ice cream? Candy? It's alot easier to avoid when you just don't buy it! :)

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:07pm
P.S.

My boyfriend is currently doing the Atkin's diet - protein only, low carbs to no carbs. Lots of people he knows has dropped a ton of weight just by not eating carbs, he's not losing as much as other people and he's kind of bummed. He'd like to lose 60-70 lbs, luckly I met him while he already had the extra weight and I am still very attracted to him, the weight doesn't bother me....check out their website....


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 10:44am
I have two sides to this story.

I recently lost 22 pounds and have about 5 more to go. No one else motivated me to do it. My mom harped on me and it made things worse. I had to find the motivation on my own and stay on program(Weight Watchers). No one else could do it for me.

My husband gained about 30 pounds last year due to stress at work. It really bothered me and I probably made 2 comments max in the last year about it-not rude, just matter of fact. Well, he got really defensive and I knew that nothing I could say would motivate him. He is the one that has to add the calories and make the healthy choices and push food away. I can't do it for him no matter how much it bothers me that eats these really big meals.

So I just taught by example. I shared my weight loss progress with him because I was so excited every time I lost another pound. I dropped two dress sizes so the results were obvious without me saying anything.

This New Year's he somehow got the motivation and has lost 5 pounds so far and is going to a WW meeting this week. It was nothing I said (directly about his weight anyway).

Can you cook healthy lowfat meals for him? Can you get him involved in fun activities?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 11:36am
I can say that I see where pysical attraction can play a big role in a marriage. I am 5'2 and weighed 125 now I am 105. I got married about a year ago and even before we were married he told me I needed to loose weight. I never have anyone tell me that before! Even the doctor said it's not neccesary. I was insulted at first but after I while I began to feel like I wasn't taking care of myself and eventually did it for just me. That's the big thing.You have to want it for yourself too and if he dosen't it then he won't loose it. My husband kept telling me that he wanted me to do it for myself. Maybe you can try and motivate him to want it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 3:52pm
I guess that basically sums up my question - how? I have battled weight issues my entire life (including bullemia) and as a result am very aware of how tough it is to diet. After a pregnancy that was fraught with health issues, I was heavier than ever and once again started a diet and work out program after being diagnosed with extremely high cholesterol (my daughter was delivered three months early because I was at risk of kidney failure and therefore, cholesterol lowering drugs are not the best option for me). I lost 25 pounds about a year ago and even though I work out at least 6 hours a week and constantly watch my diet, have not been able to break my "plateau". Even though, I'd love to lose another 15 lbs., I am finally comfortable in my body and clothing. My husband, however is constantly complaining about aches and pains (and he's only 42) and gets winded very easily. He refuses to acknowledge that this has anything to do with his weight and constantly attributes it to asthma as a kid and stress on his body from the sports he played in High School. As much as I don't nag him about his weight, I do bring up the idea of his going for a physical often. Heart disease is an issue in his family and I try to impress upon him the idea of taking care of himself for the sake of our kids (which we had "later in life"). The couple of times he tried to start a diet, he sabotages himself by either thinking he get start an exercise program with daily five mile runs (and then quits when he can't do it) or by eating only green peppers for lunch (yup, famished by dinner and eats twice as much). He is completely negative at the onset about even attempting a diet. I bought trim-spa...within an hour he says it's not working for him. I bought him a trial membership at my gym...he doesn't have the time to go. He won't try the South Beach Diet with me if it means he'll have to bring turkey sandwiches for lunch (I suggested buying the book in hopes that the high protein type diet would appeal to him - I actually hate the idea of it). I follow the Weight Watchers program, but that's too much work. Because of my weight issues (and because I hate cooking) I do cook very healthy meals and use the George Forman grill constantly. I also don't buy a huge amt. of snack foods for our house. However, the issue is basically what he eats while at work (desk job in the financial industry - orders out all the time), or after I go to bed (when he'll finish whole blocks of cheese, leftovers, etc.). So, all that said...any additional advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 1:56am

i am sorry, i am not sure i have any advice, but i went thru similar stuff with my STBX. we both had weight issues but he was much "worse" than i was - i ate healthy foods, only bought and cooked healthy, exercised. he - doesnt. he eats junk junk junk and more junk, and even if there is only healthy stuff around - he will eat whole chickens, whole tubs of yogurt ice cream, etc.


I think that since you tried talking to him and it didn't help, you yelled at him once or twice an that didn't help, you are not sabotging his diet by buying junk - I really don't know what else you can do, and maybe you need to lay off. I am overwieght myself, and have lost alot of weight but still have a ways to go. and i know that its a VERY sticky subject and even WELL-INTENTIONED remarks by people who love me have a way of backfiring. the only way that *I* was able to lose weight (and it wasn't the medical issues) was by coming to the realization by myself that *I want to be healthy* and then going and doing what I need to do (eating less, exercising more, de=stressing, etc).


how about couple's counseling? I would suggest personal counseling for him but I am sure that wouldn't go over well. but could you get him into a counsler's office?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 10:15am
You have listed everything that you do but I still say that you can't control what he eats or his activity level. He has to find the motivation and stay on program for himself.

It is frustrating, but have you tried saying and buying nothing? As long as he knows you are worried about it then he doesn't have to take 100% responsibility because the issues also become you 'nagging' and your concern, etc. If you lay off then he may get that this is his life and responsibility.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 2:53pm

I agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 8:11pm
Those words would certainly have an affect on me! I'll definitely try that tact. On the positive side, we stumbled across a food network special on low carb diets and after seeing all the success stories, he said "okay, order the South Beach diet book and we'll try". Of course, the second people mentioned it taking more than a couple of weeks, he was ready to change his mind, but hey, it's a start!