Paranoid after emotional affair...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Paranoid after emotional affair...
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 5:56am

My husband and I have been married 17 years - we've had ups and downs but stayed together with no talk of divorce until about a year ago. We're military - both of us - and my husband retired when we moved back to the states so he hasn't worked since then (2009 so I think I've been pretty lenient on this). Due to his boredom and having nothing else to do, he started staying up until 3-5 am (when I got up for work) so we very rarely slept together, excessive porn use, stayed on the computer almost constantly and for all intents and purposes, stopped talking to me. Our withdrawl from each other and fights continued to worsen.

It was about 6 months ago that I came across the texts which then led me to facebook where I saw the year long thread with an old female, divorced

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 7:38am

I dont know what type of answers or input you are looking for?

What I dont understand is why are you still with this guy? he has shown you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 8:03am

My first post - now I see why some of these are so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 8:31am

oh; Dear.. This doesnt sound like its good for your emotional health at all. So call a therapist today if you can.

Oh; I do understand though about the wanting to pummel him and the gfriend. That is just human nature I think? My ex was controlling and I left him. He got a gfriend the moment I walked out the door. He started paying her bills and rent and i had nothing.Well for awhile i was pretty darn mad and wanted revenge. Heck,that was 6 years ago and some days I still want revenge but guess what? I quietly fought him with all of what I could muster and used his own insecurites against him to get a good divorce settlement; but I digress..

I have read and studied and worked on my issues from the inside out. I have forgiven my ex and I have moved on. I learned that there is so much more POWER in forgiveness than anything.. If I held onto that pain, anger and sickness and frustration it was only hurting me. It was giving the other people more power and control and taking the power away from me.. Do you get that?

If you want to

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 11:06am

You didn't get closure on this and now its being basically swept under the rug. I don't know how you move on from something in which no one has come clean. You are left to wonder, forever, what really happened. You never really talked about it and never will apparently. So you are left not knowing, and left wondering when the other shoe will drop.

A marriage is a partnership. A two-way street. Your wanting to go to counseling is a great way to deal with all of this. You indicated he will not go. That is not holding up his end of the bargain. If one party in a relationship is not willing to really work on it and do whatever it takes, then what do you really have together? Is he possibly afraid of really having to tell the truth about what happened? He must be afraid of something about going to counseling. I don't think I could personally be with someone that I knew would never go to counseling with me, if the need ever arose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 11:13am

You'll never "forget" it........but you can deal with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 12:31pm

You could look at this situation in many different ways, but what it comes down to is this basic fact: You have been hurt by your partner and now you are the only one putting in any effort to heal. He has swept this EA under the rug and his way of dealing with it is to pretend it never happened... OR he may be continuing it.. In either case, he is not doing what needs to be done in order to move past this as a couple. Healing means confronting difficult thoughts and feelings.

If you do not have his support or effort in this, no amount of checking Email/texts, trying to believe him, trying to go back to the way things were, will work.

I would make another effort at counseling thusly:

" I need you to hear me out on this. We are in a bad place right now, and I'm not able to forgive what happened unless you are willing to put in the effort to get past this. For me, this has to be marriage counseling. I know you don't like the idea, but this is what I need, and if you want to stay with me, it's not a lot to ask. If you won't go with me, it's because you aren't willing to do what it takes, and I'll have no other choices. I made an appointment for next Wednesday, this is your one chance to show me you still want to try."

If he won't go, at least you will know that you cannot stay with someone who treats you this way. You should of course still talk to a counselor even if it's alone, but without his effort, you have absolutely no marriage to hold on to.

Of course he had sex with her. Of course it meant something. Of course it was not just "being nice".

Your husband is unable and unwilling to confront the fact that he did something wrong. The odds are strongly against your marriage working out. I would get serious about both finding a counselor and finding an attorney.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 9:54pm
Clh2012- I am very sorry for the betrayel you have endured. I don't think that there is really anything that can prepare us for such an event. It is life changing to learn your partner is not quite the person you thought they were. I would encourage you to post on the betrayed spouse's board as everyone there has gone thru betrayel. The all sides of the affair board also, gives you insight from people who have been in affairs themselves. You can ask them what they think about your husbands trip and what they think it means when he said "it was nothing."

As a BS myself, I will never forget my husbands affair. It has almost been 6 months since I learned of his affair. I think about it everyday. But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks in to months, the affair is not the "center" of my day any longer.

I will never give my husband the level of trust he had before. I just can't. My husband knows this, he understands why and he pretty much goes out of his way to be more trustworthy and to put me at ease. I know where he is and he tells me where he is going. I guess what I am saying, is that your husband has to be part of the healing for you in order for your relationship to survive. You have to be able to tell him what you are thinking about and worrying about and then he has to own up to what he did, he needs to b remorseful, full of shame and guilt. He needs to earn your trust back in whatever way that means for you.

It sounds like he didn't really take your discovery all that seriously. The fact that he downplayed events is pretty much what many men do once they are caught. They have many excuses for what they did and why, but until they can be honest with themselves they can't be honest with you. Cheaters are people that lie. They lie to cheat. He went all the way to Maryland with a platonic visit? I find that hard to believe and so should you. He is not trustworthy. Most of us know that for our partner to cheat means the end to the relationship. So for him to confess that he went to Maryland and they screwed like bunnies is the last thing he wants to tell you. He said the minimal amount to pacify you.

You are really at a cross road. The longer your issues go unresolved the harder they will be to move on from. So you stay and do nothing, you divorce right now or you have a very serious talk with him- lay it all out And let him decide what he is willing to do. And if he isn't willing, then he doesn't deserve your love.

I'd go see an attorney for a consult. It empowers you to know where you stand should divorce become a reality.
I'd ask him to get tested for STD's and you should too.
If you want to give counseling a shot- ask him. If he says no you can either proceed with the divorce and at this point go ahead and tell him you already saw a lawyer. He needs to know you are serious.
He needs to send a no contact letter that you approve to this other woman. In that letter he tells her that you know about them and that he will not contact her and he tells her to not contact him. He tells her it was foolish that he loves you and is focusing on fixing your marriage.

Go with what your gut is telling you. Usually if something feels wrong, then something is wrong.

There is a great article in wikihow titled "how to earn your spouses trust after an affair". You will find that you are paranoid for a valid reason.

I wish you luck. I hope all turns out for you. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 1:43am


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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 11:52am