Paranoid Insecurity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Paranoid Insecurity
5
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 6:22am

I am 41 years old, two failed marriages, countless failed relationships. My boyfriend is 35, two part-time children, I have 2 teenagers and an 8-year-old fulltime.

I was sexually and emotionally abused by my brother from a very early age, and that emotional and sexual abuse continued by my boyfriends and other significant others. My mother knew about it, but chose to ignore it. My father committed suicide when I was 6. My stepfather was/is an alcoholic and my mother was extremely codependent. No real affection by my family except for my brother, which was the unwanted kind.

My boyfriend and I are fairly new into the relationship, 1 year. Hes ready to continue his relationships with his friends, I'm so insecure that I get schizo on him every time, and it's not that often. He has one friend in particular who doesnt like me, but won't say why. I dont know this guy very well so have no idea why he'd feel so strongly against me. I have flipped out twice now, once because my boyfriend assumed I didn't want to go disc golfing cause this particular friend was going, so he made plans to go without me. The second time we had been planning a nice private ride together down by the river, and his friends ended up asking him to go disc golfing, so he assumed I didn't want to go and I totally flipped out cause I thought he wanted to do that instead of what we had planned.

I am so insecure and in need of so much affirmation that I can't seem to let this go and let him. How do I do that? Ive never had a relationship that meant so much to me like this one does, and I have had a lot of relationships! I just can't seem to get the sneaky, stupid thoughts to not come into my head. There is trust, but when he doesnt show a lot of affection I think this relationship is going bad. He doesn't get up in the mornings to have coffee with me anymore, and he really doesnt seem to want to spend any time with me and my family anymore.

Am I reading the wrong things into this? He's a very good partner, he's on disability so he does a lot of stuff around the house while I'm at work, and he's always happy to see me after work, but I can't stop those nagging feelings I have!

Are there any tricks to getting my mind healthy so that this relationship can continue to grow? Or have I messed it up already with my schizophrenic behavior??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: szank
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:00pm

Welcome to the board szank,


Are you in counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: szank
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 2:22pm

Welcome to the board szank,


I have to same question as Carrie have you been in any type of counseling for the abuse you went through. If not, I think it would really be helpful for you.


One good thing is that you realize what your problem is with being insecurity and freaking out about things. That is the first step towards fixing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
In reply to: szank
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 3:48pm

A couple of things...


1) why does his friendships with his buddies unnerve you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: szank
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 8:53pm

This is really good advice. Thank you all for it. I will get those books to read too! I have been thru counseling but it has never helped. I have been to Al-Anon, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, you name it, but it all seems like a waste of time to me and never helped me in any way.

I get along with all his friends, except the one, and this friend recently said he wouldn't go disc golfing if I was going. I don't know why, I never had a problem with him, except in a pool tournament, which I won against him, and he called me a bunch of names. But when my boyfriend and I started dating, my bf made this friend apologize to me, and he did. But he doesn't like me. I don't like him either, but not for any particular reason.

I do have to let it all go, I know. I just feel my stomach all in knots everytime he says he's going somewhere with his friends. They are all in relationships so it's not like guys out picking up chicks or anything... I don't know why I get so insecure. I am trying to let it all go instead of obsessing, but it's very VERY hard!!!

I am taking all this advice into consideration...

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: szank
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 8:57pm
yes, btw, I have explained it to him what has happened to me all my life. He says I cant blame him for what my brother did, and it's not that I'm blaming him, but it does have an affect on how I deal with my relationships...