parents dont approve

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
parents dont approve
16
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:43pm
hi guys, I’m 26, im dating my boyfriend for the last 12 months and we love each other deeply. ive just bought a new house, i own a car, and ive a good job. however my boyfriend is the most kind,caring,sweet and gentle person ive ever met, he was even a virgin until we met last year. we had dated as teenagers but my parents found out and made me stop seeing him back then. Again, now at 26, she never liked him from the start, she wants me to date men wit big cars,a house, and decent job. . He doesnt have a great job, and still lives at home. She wants me to break up with him this time round again, and has said if i dont do it now, it will be harder in the long run... To be honest, i can see myself marrying him in the future, as he has all the characteristics that i would want in a husband. i would like if he had a better job and a car , and a house, to hopefully in the future he will. have you any advice on how to handle this with my parents, as its really upsetting me,and trust me ive met my fair share of different men, that have treated me badly and cheated on me in the past, so now i can appreciate what i have now. Any advise would be great..


Edited 6/23/2007 11:19 pm ET by elayno

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:04pm

Hi,

You sound like you are in love with your boyfriend. You are 26 and an adult. The future is yours. You have to live your own future. If you are happy I think you should stick with him. He can get a better job and a bigger car. He can make more money someday.

Someone else can lose the big job and the big car. Love is about loving the person, not the job or the car. What good is a man with a great big house, great job and great car if you do not love him. My vote is to stick with your boyfriend and see where time takes you. I think your parents will eventually understand that he makes you very happy.

Take your time and talk to him about his future plans. Best of luck. Rifka

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:04pm
thanks very much for your reply. my parents have high expectations of me, but afterall what is the point in having all the luxuries in the world, but without love.. its nothing .. thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:14pm
I'm just wondering if i should also talk to my boyfriend about this, or would this affect his self-asteem.. thinking that he was liked by my family all along, and now this is the way they feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:47pm
well i say you tell your mom that u love her but she needs to step off!! If you truly love this guy then nothing should stand in the way of that! Even if your mom dosent approve she should approve of you being happy!! It might even be possible that she dosent even know this boy well enough.. she probably is just overreacting because she still thinks of you as her little girl with a boyfriend when you were too young.. the truth is you are old enough to make your own decisions and if you are willing to deal with a guy not so great off then your mom should accept that! my only other advice would be that if you two marry then you should wait maybe a couple of years before having kids because if you dont have enought money a kid would not help... but thats just advice. I hope this helps!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 7:25am

Hi, you asked if you should talk to him about what your parents think about his job and stuff like that? Well,here's what I think. I will get to that question later.

In today's world it takes a lot of money to live a halfway decent lifestyle. When your parents generation grew up things were not as expensive. The man was sort of more considered the breadwinner and many women were raised to believe that he would take care of them forever although women would/could/might work to supplement the husband's income.. This is a different world today. The cost of just living in a nice house, paying a mortgage, paying for cars or commuting, clothes, health care, raising children and paying for college etc. has spiraled out of control. It really takes two incomes to support a family if you are gonna do it right with a halfway decent lifestyle, nice car, house,clothes, health care, vacations, restaurants.

There are a couple of books that might help you. One is The Feminine Mistake and the other is Prince Charming Isn't Coming. They basically say how important it is for a woman to learn early on how to take care of herself financially because the world has changed so much. Today's average woman has to step up to the plate and chip in moneywise and help with family support. If she marries a rich man and he supports her and she sits back then what happends if he loses the job or leaves her or gets sick? Also if she does no chipping in then she becomes the one not in control and she is dependent on him for the money etc.

You sound like a girl/woman who is on the verge of stepping out there into the world on your own. You have been close to your parents and they love you and want what is best for you in my opinion. But I think they have ideas common to the parents generation ie. prince charming . Best for you isn't necessarily marrying a rich man. I think best for you is to realize that it will take two incomes to create the life that YOU are dreaming about ( aside from your parents expectations). You can't support him or you will grow to resent him. So here is the answer to your question in my opinion.

You say his job is mediocre. Ask yourself why this is. Does HE desire inside himself to get a better job and maybe continue his education? Does he want to move up AND BETTER the lifestyle he is in currently? Is he content just to COAST AND get by or is he willing to look for a better job. Is he intelligent as in on your intelligence level?

I think you have to ask him some questions if you are thinking of making him your husband some day and realize that you have standards for what you dream of in life and you kind of both have to want the same things. If you want to live in a house and he's content to live in a shabby rented room, then well you have different values. If you want to wear nice clothes and he is content to wear dirty jeans all the time and not own a suit again you have different values. These are extreme examples but I hope you get the idea of what I'm saying.

So the discussion isn't to center on what your parents expect of you, because you have an internal set of values/expectation for yourself. It isn't really about what your parents want for you anymore. NOW it's about what YOU want for YOUR future.

I hope this helps you. I don't think you can say to him that your parents want to make sure he's good enough. I think it would offend him. rather,I think you need to discuss with him that YOU would dream of having (these material things) someday and you want to be partners. Are you willing to bring in some money too and share expenses if you have kids? Sit and make a budget with him, bills, ie.check into child care expenses,college costs, vacation costs, etc.

Good luck. Take your time. See what he says about the future. ..Hugs. Rifka

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 3:18pm
thanks very much for your great advice rifka2006. i really appreciate it..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 8:30pm
ive had words with my parents today regarding my situation. they are adamant that they dont hate him,they just want the best for me. they understand my happiness is priority, however, my boyfriend is very unhappy that my parents feel that he isnt good enough for me, he thinks that they will never feel different about it, and we should break up. we have spoken about the future, and he thinks that its not even about him having a good job for the future, that its more personal and that its him they dont like, however my parent tell me its the other way around.. its made me very unhappy today, as i nearly felt like we were going to break up over it.. any other advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 10:03pm

Hi elayno,


You know, my parents have been married nearly 50 yrs and they got married when they were 19 and 21.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 11:18pm
thanks very much for your reply, i appreciate it. i know my parents are only looking out for my best, but to be honest, i wouldnt be with anyone else.. he is a gem.. only for the job.. i do want the good future that they want, and so does the boyfriend, the underlying problem is that he isnt greatly educated, whereas i am, but we were childhood sweethearts,and we have a lot of love for each other now that were back together a year..ive spoken to him re; getting a better job, continuing education, he sees the future as a way off, and isnt worried much about it., should he change his attitude about it and take this for serious this time...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 4:51pm
i really dont know what to do, its causing awful tension between me and the boyfriend. Today i had to beg him not to break up, all because my parents thinks he's not good enough for me.. what ever happened to just loving someone for who they are, and not about how much money they earn??

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