parents dont approve
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parents dont approve
| Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:43pm |
hi guys, I’m 26, im dating my boyfriend for the last 12 months and we love each other deeply. ive just bought a new house, i own a car, and ive a good job. however my boyfriend is the most kind,caring,sweet and gentle person ive ever met, he was even a virgin until we met last year. we had dated as teenagers but my parents found out and made me stop seeing him back then. Again, now at 26, she never liked him from the start, she wants me to date men wit big cars,a house, and decent job. . He doesnt have a great job, and still lives at home. She wants me to break up with him this time round again, and has said if i dont do it now, it will be harder in the long run... To be honest, i can see myself marrying him in the future, as he has all the characteristics that i would want in a husband. i would like if he had a better job and a car , and a house, to hopefully in the future he will. have you any advice on how to handle this with my parents, as its really upsetting me,and trust me ive met my fair share of different men, that have treated me badly and cheated on me in the past, so now i can appreciate what i have now. Any advise would be great..
Edited 6/23/2007 11:19 pm ET by elayno
Edited 6/23/2007 11:19 pm ET by elayno

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Hi,
You sound like you are in love with your boyfriend. You are 26 and an adult. The future is yours. You have to live your own future. If you are happy I think you should stick with him. He can get a better job and a bigger car. He can make more money someday.
Someone else can lose the big job and the big car. Love is about loving the person, not the job or the car. What good is a man with a great big house, great job and great car if you do not love him. My vote is to stick with your boyfriend and see where time takes you. I think your parents will eventually understand that he makes you very happy.
Take your time and talk to him about his future plans. Best of luck. Rifka
Hi, you asked if you should talk to him about what your parents think about his job and stuff like that? Well,here's what I think. I will get to that question later.
In today's world it takes a lot of money to live a halfway decent lifestyle. When your parents generation grew up things were not as expensive. The man was sort of more considered the breadwinner and many women were raised to believe that he would take care of them forever although women would/could/might work to supplement the husband's income.. This is a different world today. The cost of just living in a nice house, paying a mortgage, paying for cars or commuting, clothes, health care, raising children and paying for college etc. has spiraled out of control. It really takes two incomes to support a family if you are gonna do it right with a halfway decent lifestyle, nice car, house,clothes, health care, vacations, restaurants.
There are a couple of books that might help you. One is The Feminine Mistake and the other is Prince Charming Isn't Coming. They basically say how important it is for a woman to learn early on how to take care of herself financially because the world has changed so much. Today's average woman has to step up to the plate and chip in moneywise and help with family support. If she marries a rich man and he supports her and she sits back then what happends if he loses the job or leaves her or gets sick? Also if she does no chipping in then she becomes the one not in control and she is dependent on him for the money etc.
You sound like a girl/woman who is on the verge of stepping out there into the world on your own. You have been close to your parents and they love you and want what is best for you in my opinion. But I think they have ideas common to the parents generation ie. prince charming . Best for you isn't necessarily marrying a rich man. I think best for you is to realize that it will take two incomes to create the life that YOU are dreaming about ( aside from your parents expectations). You can't support him or you will grow to resent him. So here is the answer to your question in my opinion.
You say his job is mediocre. Ask yourself why this is. Does HE desire inside himself to get a better job and maybe continue his education? Does he want to move up AND BETTER the lifestyle he is in currently? Is he content just to COAST AND get by or is he willing to look for a better job. Is he intelligent as in on your intelligence level?
I think you have to ask him some questions if you are thinking of making him your husband some day and realize that you have standards for what you dream of in life and you kind of both have to want the same things. If you want to live in a house and he's content to live in a shabby rented room, then well you have different values. If you want to wear nice clothes and he is content to wear dirty jeans all the time and not own a suit again you have different values. These are extreme examples but I hope you get the idea of what I'm saying.
So the discussion isn't to center on what your parents expect of you, because you have an internal set of values/expectation for yourself. It isn't really about what your parents want for you anymore. NOW it's about what YOU want for YOUR future.
I hope this helps you. I don't think you can say to him that your parents want to make sure he's good enough. I think it would offend him. rather,I think you need to discuss with him that YOU would dream of having (these material things) someday and you want to be partners. Are you willing to bring in some money too and share expenses if you have kids? Sit and make a budget with him, bills, ie.check into child care expenses,college costs, vacation costs, etc.
Good luck. Take your time. See what he says about the future. ..Hugs. Rifka
Hi elayno,
You know, my parents have been married nearly 50 yrs and they got married when they were 19 and 21.
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