Part 2 - Long term relationship
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Part 2 - Long term relationship
| Wed, 05-12-2004 - 7:31pm |
This is part 2 (an update) to my April 2 posting. Quick background - we were together for 4.5 years - I'm 23 and he is 24, we met while at college. We have been having issues for a while and I couldn't stand the ups and downs anymore and finally ended it. Problems included not dealing with problems in relationship, not talking through them, not feeling appreciated, just felt one-sided. We had other stressors in life that didn't help - my graduate school, his new job and us living with our respective parents.
My ex and I have been apart for 2 months today actually. We have kept in touch over the phone or IM a few times a week and have gone out to dinner three times in the last 2 weeks. He claims he has changed and wants this again and to be together once and for all - to have an adult relationship. He has been fairly supportive on the phone - taking an interest in my job search, my life... not as much as I would like but he is hurt and keeps his distance. We have been talking about engagement and marriage for a while and he always wanted it but was scared. Now he says after going out and seeing what's out there - other girls, he says no one compares to me and what I have going on in my life. While at dinner he has been great - supportive of my job prospects, my graduation, taking an interest in me, hugging me and showing me affection, etc. He says now that he wants an adult relationship- with living together, marriage, kids, a house, etc in the near future. This is what I have wanted since day one with him and always wanted that until we started drifting apart about a year ago when we graduated. I think I put up such a large wall to not get myself hurt when he didn't appreciate me that I have lost the feeling now. I want to believe his efforts and I can tell that he really is devastated and hurt by all this which makes it harder for me. I just wonder if this time apart could really "change" a person in this manner. He wants me to slowly give him a chance... Here is where the second issue comes into play. I met a guy in my graduate school that is my age but comes from a different background than me. His family is somewhat broken compared to my close-knit family, he went through a "wild" stage a few years back while in undergraduate school. We have been hanging out for approxiamtely 6 months with everyone in my class - going out for drinks, etc. He and I also have gone out alone for coffee, dessert, etc after class for the past 5 months but never crossed any lines. He knew of the situation with my boyfriend and when he and I broke up, this second guy and I have hung out more frequently alone. He treats me like gold - I can't describe how he looks at me and how he adores me. This is not just to win me over - the poor guy has been doing this since August and hasn't gotten anything in return. I could see myself with him but he finishes school in August and will look for a job then which could be anywhere in the country - he does not have specific ties to the area in which our school is located. I am so confused as to what to do - I can't do this dual thing - I am a one person girl. I want to believe my ex but not to get hurt to believe that it will stay like this forever.... I wonder also if the new guy could do better. I know my ex and I are very similar - family, money, backgrounds, etc - I would have a stable life and a house, etc. Our first 1.5 years together felt like how it is with the new guy but it wore off and hasn't quite been the same.... It's a huge gamble either way. I just keep waiting for a sign or something to happen to help me along with my decision. I have been honest with them about me being confused and what concerns me with each so I feel I am not leading them on. They do not know however about each other and that would cause sour feelings if they did - that is why I feel so guilty. I do not want to hurt anyone - I care about each. My parents don't help the situation - they keep pressuring me to make a decision and cut one out of my life. This makes me feel more overwhelmed. To add to my pile - I have two jobs offers that are both good that I have to make a decision on in a few days.... Anyone have any suggestions??? Thank you!!
My ex and I have been apart for 2 months today actually. We have kept in touch over the phone or IM a few times a week and have gone out to dinner three times in the last 2 weeks. He claims he has changed and wants this again and to be together once and for all - to have an adult relationship. He has been fairly supportive on the phone - taking an interest in my job search, my life... not as much as I would like but he is hurt and keeps his distance. We have been talking about engagement and marriage for a while and he always wanted it but was scared. Now he says after going out and seeing what's out there - other girls, he says no one compares to me and what I have going on in my life. While at dinner he has been great - supportive of my job prospects, my graduation, taking an interest in me, hugging me and showing me affection, etc. He says now that he wants an adult relationship- with living together, marriage, kids, a house, etc in the near future. This is what I have wanted since day one with him and always wanted that until we started drifting apart about a year ago when we graduated. I think I put up such a large wall to not get myself hurt when he didn't appreciate me that I have lost the feeling now. I want to believe his efforts and I can tell that he really is devastated and hurt by all this which makes it harder for me. I just wonder if this time apart could really "change" a person in this manner. He wants me to slowly give him a chance... Here is where the second issue comes into play. I met a guy in my graduate school that is my age but comes from a different background than me. His family is somewhat broken compared to my close-knit family, he went through a "wild" stage a few years back while in undergraduate school. We have been hanging out for approxiamtely 6 months with everyone in my class - going out for drinks, etc. He and I also have gone out alone for coffee, dessert, etc after class for the past 5 months but never crossed any lines. He knew of the situation with my boyfriend and when he and I broke up, this second guy and I have hung out more frequently alone. He treats me like gold - I can't describe how he looks at me and how he adores me. This is not just to win me over - the poor guy has been doing this since August and hasn't gotten anything in return. I could see myself with him but he finishes school in August and will look for a job then which could be anywhere in the country - he does not have specific ties to the area in which our school is located. I am so confused as to what to do - I can't do this dual thing - I am a one person girl. I want to believe my ex but not to get hurt to believe that it will stay like this forever.... I wonder also if the new guy could do better. I know my ex and I are very similar - family, money, backgrounds, etc - I would have a stable life and a house, etc. Our first 1.5 years together felt like how it is with the new guy but it wore off and hasn't quite been the same.... It's a huge gamble either way. I just keep waiting for a sign or something to happen to help me along with my decision. I have been honest with them about me being confused and what concerns me with each so I feel I am not leading them on. They do not know however about each other and that would cause sour feelings if they did - that is why I feel so guilty. I do not want to hurt anyone - I care about each. My parents don't help the situation - they keep pressuring me to make a decision and cut one out of my life. This makes me feel more overwhelmed. To add to my pile - I have two jobs offers that are both good that I have to make a decision on in a few days.... Anyone have any suggestions??? Thank you!!

You do sound like you have a lot going on in your life right now. It is a big deal to go through school and then have to deal with job offers and such. Bravo to you for all your hard work!!!
Don't be in a rush to do anything right now. Sometimes the best answers come to us when we do nothing. Just wait and see. Time will tell you everything.
You are very good at articulating your thoughts and knowing what you want - maybe you should keep a diary and watch for the answers in your words. Good luck!! This is just my opinion.
You're still young. Why the need to pick either one? You said your ex dated while you two were apart, so why can't you date also? Take the time to get to know him again and see first hand if he really has changed, but also make him aware fo the fact that you are seeing other people and not committing to anything until you can be sure that it is what you want. I'd say that after being with one person for so long at your age, you owe it to yourself to date a few other people and learn what you want and don't want in a partner and in a relationship. Good luck finding a better relationship....but this time, with yourself! ;o)