Part 2 - Long term relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Part 2 - Long term relationship
5
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 7:31pm
This is part 2 (an update) to my April 2 posting. Quick background - we were together for 4.5 years - I'm 23 and he is 24, we met while at college. We have been having issues for a while and I couldn't stand the ups and downs anymore and finally ended it. Problems included not dealing with problems in relationship, not talking through them, not feeling appreciated, just felt one-sided. We had other stressors in life that didn't help - my graduate school, his new job and us living with our respective parents.

My ex and I have been apart for 2 months today actually. We have kept in touch over the phone or IM a few times a week and have gone out to dinner three times in the last 2 weeks. He claims he has changed and wants this again and to be together once and for all - to have an adult relationship. He has been fairly supportive on the phone - taking an interest in my job search, my life... not as much as I would like but he is hurt and keeps his distance. We have been talking about engagement and marriage for a while and he always wanted it but was scared. Now he says after going out and seeing what's out there - other girls, he says no one compares to me and what I have going on in my life. While at dinner he has been great - supportive of my job prospects, my graduation, taking an interest in me, hugging me and showing me affection, etc. He says now that he wants an adult relationship- with living together, marriage, kids, a house, etc in the near future. This is what I have wanted since day one with him and always wanted that until we started drifting apart about a year ago when we graduated. I think I put up such a large wall to not get myself hurt when he didn't appreciate me that I have lost the feeling now. I want to believe his efforts and I can tell that he really is devastated and hurt by all this which makes it harder for me. I just wonder if this time apart could really "change" a person in this manner. He wants me to slowly give him a chance... Here is where the second issue comes into play. I met a guy in my graduate school that is my age but comes from a different background than me. His family is somewhat broken compared to my close-knit family, he went through a "wild" stage a few years back while in undergraduate school. We have been hanging out for approxiamtely 6 months with everyone in my class - going out for drinks, etc. He and I also have gone out alone for coffee, dessert, etc after class for the past 5 months but never crossed any lines. He knew of the situation with my boyfriend and when he and I broke up, this second guy and I have hung out more frequently alone. He treats me like gold - I can't describe how he looks at me and how he adores me. This is not just to win me over - the poor guy has been doing this since August and hasn't gotten anything in return. I could see myself with him but he finishes school in August and will look for a job then which could be anywhere in the country - he does not have specific ties to the area in which our school is located. I am so confused as to what to do - I can't do this dual thing - I am a one person girl. I want to believe my ex but not to get hurt to believe that it will stay like this forever.... I wonder also if the new guy could do better. I know my ex and I are very similar - family, money, backgrounds, etc - I would have a stable life and a house, etc. Our first 1.5 years together felt like how it is with the new guy but it wore off and hasn't quite been the same.... It's a huge gamble either way. I just keep waiting for a sign or something to happen to help me along with my decision. I have been honest with them about me being confused and what concerns me with each so I feel I am not leading them on. They do not know however about each other and that would cause sour feelings if they did - that is why I feel so guilty. I do not want to hurt anyone - I care about each. My parents don't help the situation - they keep pressuring me to make a decision and cut one out of my life. This makes me feel more overwhelmed. To add to my pile - I have two jobs offers that are both good that I have to make a decision on in a few days.... Anyone have any suggestions??? Thank you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:30pm
From reading your story, I would vote to give boyfriend number one a second chance. This is because I have read a lot of books on relationships and I believe that having a common background is very important. Number one also sounds like he comes from a much more stable background. I also know from experience, both from myself and many others, that guys don't always appreciate what they have until it is gone. But I would go very slow with him.

You do sound like you have a lot going on in your life right now. It is a big deal to go through school and then have to deal with job offers and such. Bravo to you for all your hard work!!!

Don't be in a rush to do anything right now. Sometimes the best answers come to us when we do nothing. Just wait and see. Time will tell you everything.

You are very good at articulating your thoughts and knowing what you want - maybe you should keep a diary and watch for the answers in your words. Good luck!! This is just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:16pm
Thanks for your help.... What you have said is what I have been thinking. We have broken up in the past only to get back and have that new feeling last for a bit. I am concentrating on myself and my jobs. Is is OK to hang out with either whenever and just let fate take its course. I keep thinking that my ex will somehow slip or show me something that he hasn't changed that would be a sign or that the new guy will move away. I don't want him to stay around me just for me. My parents want me to make a decision just so I don't keep myself up in the air and don't drag them along. They are in no hurry for babies : ) thank goodness!! It's hard to take a gamble on something new -I know what I'm getting myself into with the ex but not the new guy - that's where I'm torn - to push the ex away and throw that away and take a chance on the new guy or vice versa. I just can tell by the way the ex hurts and talks that he really does want this but I just wonder if he's best for me.... He is trying so much and it feels different this time as opposed to other times we've broken up.... Ugh.... I'm just taking it one day at a time and have been spending some time with each to get to know them better and see how they make me feel in my heart and gut... I'm just not sure how long that can go on... I feel guilty and never want to hurt anyone. Thanks!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:43pm
The thing that stuck out to me in your post is the ex's desire to now have a "grown-up" relationship. Did he say that specifically? Because if he did, he still sees the kind of relationship that you want as something outside of what he is and what he is ready for. He is probably offering the "grown-up" thing as a concession to get you back. IMHO, you need to find someone who is already "grown-up" and realizes that marriage and family life is the natural progression of a committed relationship, not something that you just have to do because you're grown up.

You're still young. Why the need to pick either one? You said your ex dated while you two were apart, so why can't you date also? Take the time to get to know him again and see first hand if he really has changed, but also make him aware fo the fact that you are seeing other people and not committing to anything until you can be sure that it is what you want. I'd say that after being with one person for so long at your age, you owe it to yourself to date a few other people and learn what you want and don't want in a partner and in a relationship. Good luck finding a better relationship....but this time, with yourself! ;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:39pm
Hey there. I kinda know where you are coming from but on a guys side. I feel that you have to go with your heart. It sounds like your ex has really learned the hard way and is very sincere. Saying that, the other guy that you like seems like he has given you what your ex did not give you without trying. Go with your heart but DO NOT PLAY the game. What could happen is you lose both of whom I think care about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:51pm
Thanks for the advice. It's nice to get a guy's perspective. My ex has learned the hard way and really does want this. I think what scares me is if I go back, it will return to normal - not being appreciated especially is we decide to eventually live together. You can't turn those kinds of gestures off and on like that - they come from the gut. On the otherhand, the new guy does that naturally and has for many months with no relationship from me. That could fad away as well. I think being hurt and disregarded for so long has scared me into not taking risks. I'm not sure what my heart says at this point, that's why I've been trying to spend time with each of them to get the true picture. They both are being very nice and giving me what I need/want. Problem is one is new and one has been around and turned it off and on over the many years.....