Partner's young adult children
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| Sun, 06-06-2004 - 4:15pm |
He is a divorced father of 3 girls (21 yr. old twins and 23 year old). All three girls are terribly spoiled financially, and behave overtly rudely toward me. Other people seem to perceive these girls as 'delightful', and I have seen them behave civilly toward others. With me, however, they are extremely sarcastic, critical and disapproving, and tell their father that they 'just don't like' me. He does not correct their uncivilized conduct, even though he is present when it takes place. Instead, he tells me that I have 'no chemistry' with his children, and he acts as though I am a child, equally responsible for 'bad communications'. His children are clealy argumentative and openly hostile toward me. Friends of the family have observed their behavior toward me and have commended me on my restaint. He dismisses the girls' behavior as though he were arbitrating a disagreement between two equally unruly children.
The oldest daughter is and always has been the worst. He informed me about 10 months into our relationship that she was diagosed with ADHD, and that is why she behaves as she does. She is continuously mean, snide, sarcastic and belligerent toward me. Her outbursts and fits of rage have caused me to fear what she may do to me. He refuses to correct her behavior and to defend me. He will not allow me to respond to them in my own defense, and has told me that I 'get what I deserve'.
He has said that he does not want to lose his children. I have told him that there should never be any contest between his children and me, and that I feel that his refusal to defend me to them is disrespectful to me. I am an accomplished professional woman with a long and successful 33 year career history, and have held many high level, highly paid management and consulting positions. I am currently, however, unemployed, and dependent on him. I believe that he loves me, as we are very happy when his children are not involved in our interaction. He repeatedly tells all of our friends and acquaintances that we have a 'solid relationship', and that he loves me deeply. He tells me that I should be grateful that his girls are not a part of our daily lives, as the younger girls are each in college, and the older one lives out of state.
I love him very much, but am finding that I am feeling very sad and helpless about the abuse that these girls deliver to me. Their plotting and scheming and ugly impoliteness has become almost too much for me to bear, and I have having a difficult time reconciling all of this. My self esteem is suffering. I have tried so hard to disarm these girls and to let them know that I would like them to accept me, but they are extremely resentful of me and the relationship that their father and I have. Early in our relationship, they would tell me that whatever I did was 'not the way mommy did it'. That has stopped, but only because I managed to find the right words to tell them that 'mommy' and I are different people, and that it is 'ok' for people to do things differently.
I would appreciate solid suggestions for dealing with these children, and suggestions for self-talk that I can use to ease the stress this situation is causing me. I do not want these children to upset the relationship that their father and I have, and need to learn how to 'not take it personally' - even though their attacks seem nothing if not personally targeted at me.
thanks

If I was you I would try to read a bunch of books on step parenting and also to get more involved on the boards here for such topics. I would also seek professional counseling on this matter.
I can only imagine that in time it will get better as they move on with their lives. However you have to protect yourself and your relationship in the process.
I do wish you luck.
.....He will not allow me to respond to them in my own defense, and has told me that I 'get what I deserve'. .....
No. JUST no. So why is it that he feels you deserve this rudeness and cruel behavior and he, feeling as if you two are in a 'solid relationship' let others behave cruelly to you? This is not love. I think that you are right, you are treated as one of his children.
Let me explain something about the way I raise my kids. If they dont like someone, that is fine, though I will NOT tolerate obnoxious behavior in any form. First, that reflects badly on me and how I raised them to consider peoples feelings first, also that if I care about someone they can let me know that they 'dont approve' but know they shouldnt dare act out against someone rudely. I wouldnt tolerate them embarrasing themselves or hurting you.
Why is he saying that you deserve this? Did you and he have an affair and dissolve the marriage? That I dont understand. Even if you had, while that could explain the severe animosity, I would tell my grown children that if they couldnt respect your feelings and mind their tongue in your presence, then wait until they could have me to themselves and I would listen to their complaints.
I know that you arent asking him to choose over you and them, but THEY definitely are. They have it in their minds that you might just leave if they are horrible enough to you.
But the worst remains that he makes you take this abuse, which is something that bothers me the most.
...He can be domineering and bullying, but over all we interact well with each other. ...
You can NOT interact well if he bullies you. Or if he controls you, which is QUITE obviously what he is doing. Sweetie, if he is acting this way with you in any way, this is dangerous behavior. He has you intimidated enough not to react when someone treats you horribly and that speaks volumes.
I dont think you need to worry about the daughters, I think you need to find a new mate. A person who wants you as a companion does not bully you or restrict your defense mechanisms when things get ugly.
What else does he think that you deserve? I think that is a well-justified question that you need to be asking yourself, though you likely dont want to. But this for me, after my past abusive relationship with my ex, would be enough to have me RUNNING!
Take care sweetie
thank you
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful and equally thought-provoking reply. I have re-read and mulled your words for the past few days, and appreciate the insight that you have conveyed. It is clear to me that you understand how important it is for people to behave with basic, fundamental respect for others, even those we don't like. You must have been a good parent, and I am sure that your children reflect your values. More parents should follow your example. Your message gave me comfort while challenging my thinking about the entire situation that faces me.
To clarify a point, there has been no affair on any one's part, neither mine nor his. I have done nothing other than love the girls' father, and am certain that I do not deserve his girls' abuse. No one ever really 'earns' abusive behavior, not for any reason. His daughters have just managed, by their insulting behavior, to make me feel terrible about myself and about them, as well, I suspect, because they have never been taught to behave with respect. They are self-centered and believe the world revolves around them.
I am grateful to know that people such as you are out there, just a message away, and that someone cares.
thank you, sincerely.
i basically agree with randa's excellent post. of course - none of us know wht is "really" going on in this relationship, but based on what you write - i guess i would have to ask you what are you doing there? your BF should be giving you the support - nobody says that his kids have to "like" you or "love" you - but they do have to respect you. if he is not willing or able to enforce that - then i wonder.
regarding the 23 yo - ADHD is not an excuse for rude behavior. my son (18YO) also has ADHD. but he knew early on that he could not get away with being rude. and anyway, adhd doesn't cause adults to be
Then realize this. This man is not doing his adult children any favors by making excuses for them and allowing them to be RUDE to someone he supposedly loves. Trust me, if you were backbiting and rude to them, he wouldn't tolerate it. It tolerates the behavior in his daughters because (I'm guessing here) 1) he feels guilty about the divorce, 2) he wants them to like him (and love him) and their approval of him as a person means the world to him, 3) he doesn't have a backbone to stand up for himself and provide fatherly guidance because he's afraid.
He's missing the golden opportunity to teach his girls manners, how to be 'nice' adults, because he's afraid of setting boundaries.
You may find that in the long run this relationship is not for you, espeicially if he is unwilling to address his own issues.
ANd, OMG, I missed this part: .....He will not allow me to respond to them in my own defense, and has told me that I 'get what I deserve'. .....
RUN from this man.
Edited 6/9/2004 3:42 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
Then doesn't it make sense that his daughters:
'are extremely sarcastic, critical and disapproving, and tell their father that they 'just don't like' me.'
' are clealy argumentative and openly hostile toward me'.
'is continuously mean, snide, sarcastic and belligerent toward me.Her outbursts and fits of rage have caused me to fear what she may do to me.'
and that
'He does not correct their uncivilized conduct,'
'He refuses to correct her behavior and to defend me.'
Things are not going to change unless they realize that there is a problem. He doesn't want to admit that he taught them to bully and follow other traits of his. Do you really want to continue to live like this?
It is very hard for me to understand how people let their kids do this, total lack of respect. My parents were very firm with this with me and I cant just let my kids disrespect each other, themselves, or others. To be honest there isnt much that will get me onto them more, lol. To me its still cruel no matter how much sugar they try to dollop on top of it.
With my family, which is an integrated one, it was of the utmost importance. I had a wonderful man, who had a son, come into mine and my girls lives. I told my NH on our first date that while I didnt know that he could help himself, lol, he was not expected to love my children. He was merely expected to know that I would give my life for either of them and act in accordance with it. I would do the same for his son. Of course it went off without a hitch and I look at his son as mine and my daughters look to him as dad and he sees himself as their dad and all, but it laid the ground rules. I warned each of my daughters and he warned his son that "Youre not my ___" wouldnt be tolerated, because while we hadnt created these children, we had chosen to see them as our own and that was something special. They accept their dad, my son thinks of me as Mom since I raised him since he was 18 months (his birth mom is 'his other mommy', lol)though the little brother has been a fun part. In the words of my second daughter, "I love him he's just so annoying at times!" lol
People who cripple their kids with letting them spout temper I feel give themselves, and their kids, a world of heartache. It isnt very fun to stay on them over it, but there are just so many people in this world that we might not like but whom deserve respect. Young adults learn this with jobs pretty quickly.
Im sorry that they have done this to you, very much. Unfortunately only some of that blame lies with them. Just know that life will teach them much better than their parents did in the end, but the lessons will likely be very hard on them. On the bf, he's a grown man and thats the worse situation. He doesnt respect you, they just follow behind him. His is just coated with more sweetness but at its base its every bit as bitter as what the girls are doing.
You, just like all of us, do not deserve to have anyone who claims that they love you, or care for you, hand you pain. I know that you care for this man, but still, we all have this GREAT propensity to fall in love with Mr. DUD. lol (I can raise my hand quite high on this one, many times!)But it is a choice that I hope you can see more clear on over him. At the least, you should explain to him quite clearly that you will not tolerate this type of behavior anymore, from him nor them. When he insults, controls, or demeans you, OR LETS THEM, you see how little he does care about your heart, your feelings, and your self-esteem. If something is not done on his side about this ridiculous and childish behavior, it will be on yours. At least then you might leave with a hurt heart a little bit but you WILL be able to regain your dignity and your self-esteem.
Take care and I hope everything comes about right for you. :)