past relationship abuse?? problem
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| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:55pm |
Im tryin to figure my girlfriend out. She has a hard time with commitment and wants to meet new people and have fun. But also wants to have a relationship with me but doesnt want it to be exclusive.
She is open with me and told me that she was abused when she was 22, actually she was engaged too. I know that he beat her and never wanted her to see her family and friends, he wanted her to himself. She is now 27yrs old and Im 22 and we are perfect together, everytime we are together it gets better and better and we try new things and we always find something new that we have in common or were good at together,we see each other about 3 days a week and text on the days were not together, but like I said she has commitment problems and is weird about alot of things. She wants to have her own life, her own friends and is weird of me meeting her one guy friend. We have talked about this multiple of times and I said when can I meet him and she said "he invites her to come out with him and his friends". She said she wants to take things slow, I said if thats what I have to do than I will do it. I just want things to move forward eventually.

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She doesn't want you to meet this guy friend probably because she's also dating him.
This girl sounds like she's nice and she's trying to be genuine and honest with you, but if this doesn't progress into something exclusive then you're going to have to slap yourself in the face, wake up, and realize that this "relationship" isn't the one you want. The decision to be exclusive or not should be mutually agreed upon. I really hope she decides she likes you enough to be with you and only you, but her history of abuse and fear of commitment is something that may take her years of professional help to recover from. A woman has to be in the right frame of mind and stage of life in order to accept an truly embrace a Mr. Right. She may not be there yet, but if you really like her then continue dating her and see where it goes. Just make sure you're in the relationship you really want.
She had said even before we started, that she wanted to have her own friends"own life seperate from me". I told her that it bothered me about that she was weird about that and said there just friends. I know she just doesnt go and hang out with just him, she with her roomate and his friends too. Anyway, she is definitely the one I want, and I am going to hold on but if things start going the direct opposite than I know I will do what I will have to do.
When someone has been through serious abuse it takes time for them to trust again. So, she does need time. However, she most likely, could also use some therapy. It can be difficult to work out all the pain by yourself. Abusive relationships leave scars and if you do not deal with what happened thoroughly then sooner or later the effects come out in other ways - such as not trusting, or sometimes even hurting another person. Find out how she handled this situation when it ended. What has she learned from it? What help did she have? Her behavior now could be related to what happened. Mention to her, casually, that it can sometimes help a lot to see a professional to work things out, after a relationship like the one she had.
That said, you have to set a time frame for yourself. Decide how long you are comfortable going along with this situation. See if things do change and the two of you do get closer. It's possible it will happen on its own. It's also possible that it will not. If it doesn't, then you have to be clear about what you want and need in a relationship as well, and how long you can wait. This all takes time, clarity and patience. If things do not progress in a way that feels comfortable for you, then you have to make new choices that support your own life too.
Best wishes,
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>>She had said even before we started, that she wanted to have her own friends"own life seperate from me".
This is a huge red flag, and I think you recognize it. Dr. Shoshanna gave you excellent insight, unfortunately I don't really see this relationship working out in your favor. It's quite likely that you will have wasted your time... This girl sounds like she needs some therapy. Abuse is not something you can just get over because of a new boyfriend in your life. It takes a long time to undo feelings of worthlessness.
Ask yourself why you are continuing to pursue someone who simply doesn't feel as strongly as you do. I think you deserve to have someone who is enthusiastic to have you in her life and become part of the person she is, not separate you from it.
When she says she wants to have her own life... does that mean that it excludes you completely? Or that she would like to establish some sort of independence so as not to be solely reliant on you for companionship?
Is she getting a life? Or is she leaving you out of her life?
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