past relationship abuse?? problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
past relationship abuse?? problem
11
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:55pm

Im tryin to figure my girlfriend out. She has a hard time with commitment and wants to meet new people and have fun. But also wants to have a relationship with me but doesnt want it to be exclusive.

She is open with me and told me that she was abused when she was 22, actually she was engaged too. I know that he beat her and never wanted her to see her family and friends, he wanted her to himself. She is now 27yrs old and Im 22 and we are perfect together, everytime we are together it gets better and better and we try new things and we always find something new that we have in common or were good at together,we see each other about 3 days a week and text on the days were not together, but like I said she has commitment problems and is weird about alot of things. She wants to have her own life, her own friends and is weird of me meeting her one guy friend. We have talked about this multiple of times and I said when can I meet him and she said "he invites her to come out with him and his friends". She said she wants to take things slow, I said if thats what I have to do than I will do it. I just want things to move forward eventually.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 1:29am

She doesn't want you to meet this guy friend probably because she's also dating him.

This girl sounds like she's nice and she's trying to be genuine and honest with you, but if this doesn't progress into something exclusive then you're going to have to slap yourself in the face, wake up, and realize that this "relationship" isn't the one you want. The decision to be exclusive or not should be mutually agreed upon. I really hope she decides she likes you enough to be with you and only you, but her history of abuse and fear of commitment is something that may take her years of professional help to recover from. A woman has to be in the right frame of mind and stage of life in order to accept an truly embrace a Mr. Right. She may not be there yet, but if you really like her then continue dating her and see where it goes. Just make sure you're in the relationship you really want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:21am
I appriciate ur advice. I really dont think she is dating him. We have gone over if she has problems with me to talk them over and if she wants to date other guys than tell me and I was just talking to her about a friend that caught his girl dating another guy and she thought that was wrong. She had said the only reason if that happened is if things werent going right between us and everything is perfect, like I said everytime were together it gets better and better and she says that to me.
She had said even before we started, that she wanted to have her own friends"own life seperate from me". I told her that it bothered me about that she was weird about that and said there just friends. I know she just doesnt go and hang out with just him, she with her roomate and his friends too. Anyway, she is definitely the one I want, and I am going to hold on but if things start going the direct opposite than I know I will do what I will have to do.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 11:09am

When someone has been through serious abuse it takes time for them to trust again. So, she does need time. However, she most likely, could also use some therapy. It can be difficult to work out all the pain by yourself. Abusive relationships leave scars and if you do not deal with what happened thoroughly then sooner or later the effects come out in other ways - such as not trusting, or sometimes even hurting another person. Find out how she handled this situation when it ended. What has she learned from it? What help did she have? Her behavior now could be related to what happened. Mention to her, casually, that it can sometimes help a lot to see a professional to work things out, after a relationship like the one she had.


That said, you have to set a time frame for yourself. Decide how long you are comfortable going along with this situation. See if things do change and the two of you do get closer. It's possible it will happen on its own. It's also possible that it will not. If it doesn't, then you have to be clear about what you want and need in a relationship as well, and how long you can wait. This all takes time, clarity and patience. If things do not progress in a way that feels comfortable for you, then you have to make new choices that support your own life too.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:27pm

>>She had said even before we started, that she wanted to have her own friends"own life seperate from me".

This is a huge red flag, and I think you recognize it. Dr. Shoshanna gave you excellent insight, unfortunately I don't really see this relationship working out in your favor. It's quite likely that you will have wasted your time... This girl sounds like she needs some therapy. Abuse is not something you can just get over because of a new boyfriend in your life. It takes a long time to undo feelings of worthlessness.

Ask yourself why you are continuing to pursue someone who simply doesn't feel as strongly as you do. I think you deserve to have someone who is enthusiastic to have you in her life and become part of the person she is, not separate you from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:31pm

When she says she wants to have her own life... does that mean that it excludes you completely? Or that she would like to establish some sort of independence so as not to be solely reliant on you for companionship?

Is she getting a life? Or is she leaving you out of her life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:56pm
No she wants to be with me and see me but wants to have her own friends and her own life seperate from me too. SHe is just not ready for any commitment at this time. We both live in VA and are both from PA, I live hr and half from her and we do see each other on avg 2 days a week, sometimes 3. She had just moved down here and told before the relationship that she wanted tomeet people and have fun. She said she had been in serious relationships since her junior yr in high school and doesnt want that now. I asked her why she still wants me and she said she cares about me and has lots of feelings about me. We are perfect together. Everytime we are together it goes so smooth and we find something new we have in common and we like to do. We can just be sitting at her apt and have a good time together. I feel that Im insecure but Im not, she isnt giving me any insurance. All she says is lets take things slow. She said she cant make any promises and said "I dont think anyone can til there marrried". Im just putting my all into her and I know she cares but she is not giving me insurance. I just hate to see it all go to waste b/ like I said when we are together its that good. Right now Im in a situation on waiting on conformation on my job and I dont have a life b/ Im living with my aunt and uncle and its not worth meeting people around here since I wont be living here and she feels bad and I know that Im depending on her to much right now and I feel bad about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 6:53pm
She doesnt want to exclude me completely. She is very independant, so she basically she is not relying on me for companionship. What do umean is she getting a life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:25am
continued new discussion
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:09pm
ive been in an abusive relationship for 4 yrs, and i didnt wanna jump into anything for a while, i felt freedom finally when i got out of it, it makes ur perception of reality all screwed up when u get outta it at first. shes afraid because of the past and i was tooo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:12pm
thats because the abuser ruined all her friendships and started a lot of drama, and the friends would tell stories that would slip and piss off the controlling bf, i did that too when i started my new relationship because my friends started to hate me cuz i had a crazy bf and he ruined their lives and i lost a lot of friendshipssss. but my new bf doesnt do thst

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