perfect guy...not so perfect chemistry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
perfect guy...not so perfect chemistry
5
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 9:46pm

I've been in a long-distance relationship with a man for almost 4 years...he loves me to death, has got a heart of gold, we have great communication, can resolve our problems, i confide in him about everything and anything, treats me like a princess, we have similar interests, very smart, you get the picture.

There is one BUT...i feel like there's a spark missing between us.. I always had my doubts about this but had a tendency to push them away and tell myself the doubts were normal and they would go away. But on his last visit to see me, I got a huge gut feeling about it...I wondered if my love for him was that of a best-friends type of love. I hate the thought of hurting him. I have communicated my feelings to him and he is being understanding and is trying everything he can to make things better. I've also done a lot of growing up in the 4 years we've been in our relationship which could be part of the reason I have possibly fallen out of love.

I live very passionately...he's more laid back, which actually helps balance me...but sometimes i feel like i need someone to share the passion with me...

I guess there are more PROS about him than CONS...but are the CONS worth ending the relationship?? I keep feeling so awful about leaving this great guy...I second-guess myself all the time. We were in it for marriage...im not sure what has happened along the way.

Is there any advice anyone can offer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 10:15pm

It's possible for someone to be near-perfect but still not perfect for YOU. What kind of spark are you looking for? Are you in love with him, or are you looking for more excitement from love? The "spark" you feel initially in a relationship is actually insecurity; it's not knowing exactly how the other person feels exactly, and constantly looking for tiny little affirmations that they have feelings for you. That isn't being in love with someone, it's being in lust. Sure they can go hand-in-hand, and often do. If this is a critical part of a relationship then maybe this isn't the guy for you and you really DO need someone more passionate.

It sounds as though perhaps you are not really ready for "Mr. Right" and you're subconsciously looking for "Mr. Right Now." Neither is wrong, but you seem to really miss that flighty, first intimacy that occurs in a new relationship.

Everyone in a long relationship goes through a period of doubt. Give it some time, I'm sure the answer will come to you. If you continue feeling this way then perhaps it's better to find someone who makes you feel the way you really want to feel in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 2:49pm

Welcome to the board gorda1026,


It sounds like maybe the relationship is just in a rut. That can happen when couples have been together several years. Maybe you could go on a small vacation together to try and get the spark back. You try dating each other again. Go dancing, for walks, or other things you did when you first started dating each other.


Good luck to you. I hope you will be happy with whatever decision you make regarding this.

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 7:26pm

Long distance relationships are difficult for many reasons. Both parties must really see each other a lot

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 2:12pm
I would be worried about the 4 years ... why so long without getting married ??

Northkountry          

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 2:13pm

I've read many stories here about how some people settled for no passion because of the deep friendship only to discover years later that when they met someone they felt passionate about, they were filled with regret.