Photos of ex in bedroom

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Photos of ex in bedroom
6
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 4:07pm
Hi: I've been dating a guy for two months. He was previously married for 7 years, at the young age of 22, has been divorced for 3 years and has a 7 year old daughter (enough numbers for you?) At any rate, I visited him at his office one day and he had a photo of him, his wife and his daughter in front of the Christmas tree from 3-4 years ago. I commented on it. He said "well, she's my daughter's mother, she'll alway be around." Then, when he invited me to his house, he had an 8x10 of his daughter and his wife on the counter between the living room and kitchen, a wide open space. Then, he shows me his room where he has 3 or 4 photos of him and her, him, her and his daughter on the shelf above his bed! That was too much. Way too much. I didn't say anything until the next time we met. I told him then that it really hurt to see those, that I felt photos were very symbolic. He did remove most of them after that, but still left one above the bed, and the 8x10 of her and his daughter. I would understand photos of the child's mother in the daughter's room, but don't get it in his. I should also mention that he has shared with me that he has "massive guilt issues" over asking for a divorce (even though he wife had been cheating on him for 3 years), talks about his ex often, and has obvious anger towards her. He has also told me that he doesn't know if he can live with someone again as he's gotten used to his independence, but at the same time wanted to be sure I was interested in marriage. Am I wasting my time? I'm older and want to have children, so honestly I don't want to spend time with a man who can't commit and I'm wondering if all of this points to that? Thoughts?
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 5:23pm
Sounds like he has unresolved feelings for his ex-wife, and therefore unavailible to you. People who have moved on don't usually display multiple pictures of the ex in their homes, even if the child is in them. If they want to preserve their children's history they put the pictures away for safe keeping so the children can have them later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:34pm
I agree with lucy4980. I do not think he is ready, and it will just cause unnecessary hurt for you.

I know when I divorced my ex, I was in rage, and really could not date for another three years. There was a lot of work I had to do on myself, before I could avail myself to someone. I did the rebound thing, and looking back, I was just like "what was I thinking???????" no where near in the right mind set.

I think you deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:35am
I agree he probably has issues but maybe those are the only pictures he has. Maybe he does not have any pictures of just his daughter. Can you take the pictures to a place and crop off the ex just leaving the child? I agree after my divorce I needed time to find myself. It has been almost 12 years and I am finding out something new about myself everyday. Divorce is hard when kids are involved. Heck it is hard anyway. All I can say is follow your own feelings. No one can make you happy but yourself. If it bothers you now don't think he will change. He will start to resent you when problems arise in your relationship due to his child. Good luck.

Jo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:13am
Hi: Thanks for your replies. I'm not ready to give up just yet. I guess there are a lot of factors to consider. He also tells me he loves me, so much so that I get a little claustrophobic about it. I'm the first one to meet his daughter since the divorce, he got her approval before asking me to be his girlfriend, etc. Aye, but the photos bother me so much. I had a 10-year relationship (longer than his marriage) and I have photos and happy memories and not so pleasant memories, but my photos are tucked away, not on display. I guess I'll find my own way with this, proceed with caution. ANy other perspectives are appreciated.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:23pm
Considering that you've only been dating this man for 2 months...I don't really think that you have any place to say anything about the pictures. Please don't take offense in this. Its just that he was with his ex, who also happens to be the mother of his child, for 7 years. That is not something that you can just forget about and put away in a drawer. You have to remember that it was not his choice for this divorce to happen. Who knows...if she didn't cheat on him then they could still be together. Having those pictures up are a comfort to him and he isn't going to change that any time soon. He is also going to mourn this for quite a while.

You have a few choices to make. You can either wait it out patiently and just be there for him...bear it with a grin....or you can cut you losses and move on. There is no guarantee that he'll ever get over this. It could take a few more months or a few years. Its basically about how much you are willing to take. Its not easy being the next one and I can totally see where you are coming from. You have a very tough decision in front of you - the answer lies within -- sorry for sounding like a fortune cookie!

I wish you much luck and be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 11:44pm
hmmm, unresolved issues, anger towards his ex, and wanting to make sure you are interested in marriage. Sounds like a relationship my friend was in. Her boyfriend became more and more manipulative, verbally abusive, accusing her of cheating on him (his wife apparently cheated on him), very insecure and refusing help.... and it gets more complicated. He didn't know where the boundaries were. As far as he is concerned they are still together even though she broke it off 3 years ago. I'm not saying that is where your relationship would go. I'm saying that's what happens when someone goes into another relationship without coming to terms with their baggage. Sounds like he has lots of it. Remember, it's not your job to fix it for him. He needs to do that without you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:53am
I would tend to agree with this post.

It doesn't sound like he is emotionally available for a good relationship. I think he needs to see why his ex cheated on him - perhaps her needs were not met? I am not saying it is right to cheat but there are always 2 sides to every story.

One guy I dated, who was divorced for 3 years, had not come to terms with his ex wanting a divorce. He never really saw the contributions he made towards her decision and held a lot of guilt. He turned out to be too flaky - could not fall in love.

I don't like that he had to get permission from his daughter to date you. I don't like so many photos being displayed and I don't like his attitude and unresolved issues.

It is just too easy to say, "NEXT!" and take the path of least resistance.