Pictures in my mind of them doing it

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Pictures in my mind of them doing it
17
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 11:53pm

Help

I found out that my husband had been involved with finding women online using such sites as Adultfriendfinder, Yahoo personals (claimed he was a widower), going to massage parlors, calling escorts etc.

I found out by him accidentally leaving his cell phone in my car and since they look exactly alike I thought it was mine. I noticed a missed message and when I phone it is was a woman wanting to know when she was going to see him again. I confronted him with what I found. He claimed it was simple, the woman had dialed the wrong number.

I had written the number down and phone her myself. She advised me that he was 'trolling' the internet claiming to be single.

In any event I then broke into his email and found emails to her and other women. There was 1 in particular, Barbie. He had engaged in ana- sex with Barbie. Something we had never done, something that he had never expressed an interest in up until her. He did though, before I found out, attempt to get me to engage in it with him. I tried but the thought disgusted me, and the pain was something I can not describe. So we didn't.

My question is this "Each and everytime we attempt to get intimate and he goes to touch my bottom or I feel that his hands are going anywhere near my but- I tighten up, I turn off, I just lay there and tear up. I get these images in my mind of him and her engaging in ana- sex. Am I crazy? Am I wrong?

I need your opinion on this Extremely badly,

Thank you

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 10:50am

Why are you still with him???

He cheated on you! And lied about it.

And no, you're not crazy for having those images in your mind and you are not crazy for being hurt.

So my question is, Why are you still with him? Did he apologize and are you guys working on things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:03pm

Welcome to the board planin2livnow,


You know you aren't wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:11pm

I agree. What steps have you both taken to repair your relationship? How long have you been in counseling together? Is it working? If you're not seeing a counselor, START. TODAY.

He cheated on you in a major way and if your relationship is going to be revived then it's going to take a lot of time and professional mediation to completely heal. It's totally normal to be upset and at this stage where you are right now, because you're still hurt over a HUGE infidelity. He owes you big time and I really hope you two are working on resolving this issue in a healthy way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:29pm

Welcome to the board,


If you are going to remain married to him, I would suggest marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:22pm

Thank you for your concern - I go every 6 mos. and according to the doctors I will need to continue testing for at least 2 years.

I am also in counseling eventhough due to my own fault it is not doing much good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:21pm

Twinflame:

Yes he does know that I know.

2 1/2 yrs ago he accidentally left his cell phone in my car. As I went to get out I noticed my phone had fallen out of my purse (or so I thought). I noticed I had a missed message and when I replayed it it was a woman asking if she was going to see me????? Hello??? I then checked my purse and found what was MY phone and I realized what had happened.

When I asked him about he he said "Must have been a wrong number". He did not realize that I had written the number down. I called the woman who told me she was sleeping with him and had been corresponding with him via the internet for 3 mos. She told me she had met him on Yahoo personals where he posed himself as a widower.

When I confronted him with the lie he swore the woman was crazy and that he did not know what she was talking about. I was on a mission, so I broke into his email and found the actual emails between not only her but others as well. There was one to a woman he met on Adultfriendfinder. She was married as well. Then there were the MANY emails to a woman named Barbie. Detailed documentation of their 'times' together. 3 very xxx rated stories she had written to him. Then there was the infamous email in which he told he had just read her latest story and that he had almost 'come' while reading it. He then went on to tell her that 'she was the only woman he wanted to hug, kiss, lick, *uck. He could not wait until their next time together when he could *ick her a** and well to put it not so crassly have *nal sex with her. I got sick after reading it. I went ballistic. I am NOT a violent woman but I went crazy.

I am in therapy. As to why I stay, well let us just say for all of the wrong reasons. I was waiting for our daughter to graduate from high school to leave, but he was diagnosed with testicular cancer a few months back so leaving now is out of the question.

We have been married for 30 years. Twin, honestly he has been cheating on me for most of them. According to him everything (his cheating) has a root cause. You got it, I was the root cause.

He claims he only chose 'safe' women. "Women, who were old, fat, and professional". A real prince isn't he.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:53pm

Boston:

What a beautiful city, very historical. I love the people there.

Why am I still with him - well there are many reasons. I guess the honest one is right now #1 I am lost and #2 He has testicular cancer.

The real reason I am 57 and have been beat down by the fact that for 30 years I made him and my family my life. I gave up all that Kathy was about. A mistake that many women make. You know at my age we never had websites like this to go to when we were younger. My mom never talked about such issues. She never warned me "not to loose myself".

When I say I am lost I mean it. LOST. I have attempted suicide and have on many occasions considered it in the past. I have many bad days. I AM LOST. I realize that it may be hard for many of you to understand this. What the hell, why not just leave? Why cripple yourself? You are only 57, what is the problem? But you see, for 30 years of my life he was my life. I know my decision. I find it difficult to explain what I do not understand my self.

My shrink tells me I have lost my self esteem. What the hey is self esteem anyway. Is it self worth, is it self love, is it self respect - these are the answers I am searching for. My shrink has been telling me to get out for a while now. According to him I am a caretaker, I put others needs and wants before my own. You know all of that psycho babble nonsense. Heck, all I am looking for is for him to fix me, Surely since I have been seeing him for 10 years at 125.00 a pop and have probably paid for his sons College education to UCLA he should have been able to 'cure me' by now. Ha ha.

But for all of this I consider myself fortunate. Fortunate that I have all of you to come to - I can be honest with you. I don't have to worry about judgement.

thank you all

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:40pm

Have you read books on codependency and self-esteem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:44pm

Twin:

I want to thank you for your post. No, I have not read any books on this subject.

I am going to go out tomorrow and buy them.

I am getting tested every 6 months. He used NO protection during any of his liasons, I know incredible in the year of the 2000'x. The fact that he had ana* sex without protection simply blew me away. He stated that ALL of the women were safe. Lets see, one was from Adultfriendfinder, there were massage parlor visits, and escorts.

While I realize that I have been in denial I respectfully disagree that I am here because I want to be here. But, please understand I, DO NOT EVEN UNDERSTAND MY LACK OF MOTIVATION TO RUN LIKE HELL AND NEVER LOOK BACK. And that is very embarassing to admit. It is as though I am waiting for him to wake up - at the rate this is going I am going to be waiting a very long time. With his cancer diagnosis looming I am sure there will be more apologies, why, out of guilt. Not the guilt that he hurt me, but the guilt that he was caught. And even with all of the torrid tales I can not leave and have him become a burden to either one of our daughters. I know the daughter that is heading off to College would put that on hold, NO WAY!!!!!! She is NOT going to put her life on hold, we owe her more than that - the both of us.

Twin, I am embarassed by my lifes story. I am embarassed by my lack of fortitude. I am sickened that I have settled for this.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:50pm

Hi again,


My best advice: don't be too hard on yourself. We all get there when we get there.

Pages