Planning for the Future

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Planning for the Future
4
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:22pm

I am in desperate need of some sound advice!

My husband and I live a modest, lower-middle class life - we have a comfortable yet small apartment, have a used car, enjoy restaurants once or twice a month, and go on inexpensive camping vacations. We love each other deeply and are still getting used to each other as man & wife (we just celebrated our 1st anniversary), but we are having a lot of trouble when it comes to thinking of the future. We have a bigger than average age difference ( I am 26, he is 40), and although marrying an older man sounds like a guarantee for a responsible partner, that isn't so in my case.

My husband is a wonderful man with a good heart and brain, but he is not the best "provider". He has a decent job, but there is no security, and his boss will not pay for health benefits for me or any children we may ever have. I am working on getting my degree so that I can get a better job so that I can get benefits for myself & future children, but that takes time - by the time I get a secure job with benefits, I am concerned that my DH will be too old to have children. Although my clock isn't ticking yet, his is, and I don't want to risk any health or development problems, let alone him being too tired to help me raise little ones.

The other issue is health/money related. My husband says that he wants to quit smoking, but his effort is so minimal, sometimes I feel that he just tells me this to keep my hopes up. He also drinks and smokes pot more than I think he should. I can relate to the need to "unwind", but I feel that if he cut these unhealthy habits down and exercised more (he never does) he would be in better spirits and wouldn't need "to unwind" so much like he does. Aside from the health issues, the cigarettes & beer really add up. He never goes to bars, but a few beers every couple of nights add up at the end of the week. We live comfortably, but our credit card debt is over $12,000, and even though I send large payments every month, we can't get it to go down. He just doesn't get it - he feels like a failure for not being in better standing financially, but rather than doing something about it, he ignores it. We have a small savings account ($4,000) for emergencies, but he has no IRA, and we have very little saved for his 7 y/o son's college (my SS's mother makes a lot of money, so I am sure that the boy will have plenty of savings for college, not to mention his doting grandmother, but we still want to contribute). We live in Brooklyn where real estate is outrageous, so the idea of ever owning a home is like a fairy tale. Even if we could save up the down payment, we could never meet the monthly requirements.

I feel like I am constantly worrying about money and our future. I married a wonderful man, but not a very good provider. It could be worse, I know, but it is so frustrating that my husband, who is 13 years older than me, can't be counted on for paying the bills (I'm in charge of that), providing health insurance for his family, designing a savings plan for his family's future (did I mention he has no life insurance either?), or taking care of his health so that we can have a better quality of life together.

Every time I try to talk to him about these things, either he acts interested and suggests we talk about it later, or he gets angry and defensive, insisting that I am always miserable & nagging and he'll never make me happy. I admit that I am miserable and nagging sometimes, but I spend a great deal of time and energy trying to be positive and encouraging, thanking him for things that he does, reminding him that I love him no matter what, etc. I don't know what else to do! I am not trying to change him, I am just trying to get the man he says he is to come out! What am I doing wrong, and how can I get my husband to take our future seriously?

Thank you so much for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:15pm

Welcome to the board lizlo0624,


Your husband isn't going to make these changes unless he really wants too. If the changes and your future together were that important to him, he would make the changes like quiting smoking, doing drugs, drinking, and also look for a better job. He may say that he wants these things, but his actions are saying something different.


Sit down with him and make him discuss of all this with you. Don't let him say you will talk about it later.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:56pm

Hi -

thank you for your advice - I hear what you say. Unfortunately, we have sat down calmly and talked these things over. One thing that we do have is good communication - maybe not all the time; sometimes we don't speak, sometimes we yell, but we always come together eventually and talk things over. I have discussed all of my concerns with him, and he has listened and talked it over with me. He agrees that we need all of these changes. We will have a wonderful, thorough, heartfelt discussion, agree to make some improvements, and then the next day there is no change. Or, he will make a small effort, and then a week later we are back where we started. I know that he will not change unless he wants to - I just wish that there was something I can do to improve our life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 5:53pm

It seems to me you are putting this all on your husband? If you wanted a sole provider, why didn't you marry one? You married a man who had a decent job but no ambition. Now you have plans for the future, and you want him to change. You mentioned his age twice like ppl who are 40 should have more money - he doesn't/didn't have it and he doesn't seem motivated to get it. Let me ask you a question: are you paying 50% of the household bills? Or as a student are you not able to contribute? I could throw your age at you and say HS graduation is at 18 - so you could have finished a graduate degree by now. I understand you are trying to make your life better and improve your situation, do you think maybe at the back of your mind you are expecting your DH do the same now bc you are? Thats your choice and your path. Not his.

Yet it IS reasonable to ask him to cut out the drugs, smoking & beer to get healthy and save money. Maybe you could ask him to unwind with you on a nice long walk? Or you could say, "I'll get a part time job and you do X." Make it a contract to each other. You could start budgeting and only giving each other a weekly allowance. Once he has spent his on cigarettes/beer, then he has not more. He'll have to find a way to make more money or do without. The savings (or extra earnings from either of you) can go to the debt. (Freeing up debt should be your FIRST priority as it weighs you down with interest - I'd even look into a consolidation loan to get a lower interest rate). If you spend $200/month on debt, once you are debt-free thats $200 month that can go towards "baby fund".

I married a man who makes very little money & has no ambition. We live in a condo I purchased all by myself. I love him deeply and he is a fantastic person - but he is just not materialistic. He'd be happy to squeeze 3 kids into our 2 bdrm condo and have nothing left over for himself. I knew those were his values going into this marriage and I accept them. Granted, the BIG difference is that he doesn't drink or smoke (or spend money on anything I would consider frivolous). We do eat out a couple of times a week bc he loves things like sushi - and we have to live too :)

You have to find a balance between his lack of ambition and where you are comfortable. Its not easy - but try to remember you didn't marry a tradional "bring home the bacon" guy.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:09pm
Thank you for your feedback - I suppose this is the problem with chat groups: it is difficult to get all the information of a situation into one post without writing a book. FYI, not only am I working full time (longer hours than him, too) and bring in just under 50% of our household income, but I also study, do the bills, cook, clean, shopping, errands, etc. Also, all of the problems we have we discussed before we were married, and he promised to make a change. I do not want my man to support me - I want my man to hold up his end of the bargain. We agreed that we wanted to have kids together and the best way to do that is with a solid income and health insurance. I also might add that the reason why I don't have a useful degree now is because I was an actress before I met him, and I gave up my career to settle down with him - again, this is something we discussed. I appreciate you not sugar-coating anything; I am quite aware that if I had earned a practical degree right out of college (I graduated HS a year early, at the age of 16, by the way) I too could be very financially successful and independent right now. I own that - I do not blame anyone else for my failures in life but myself. But the reason why I am reaching out for help on how to deal with my husband is because I have held up my end and he hasn't. I'm not looking for a money-machine - we have a tiny three bedroom apartment (one bedroom is his 7 y/o son's who stays with us 3 days a week, the other is our "office") and I would have no problem bringing 2 or 3 kids into it. I don't want anything fancy, I just want a family, like he says he wants.
If you have any more advice now that you know my situation a little better, I'd be happy to hear it.