Playboy likes his ego stroked!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Playboy likes his ego stroked!
1
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 6:40pm
I have been involved w/my SO for 2+ years, living together for the past year. We committed to being exclusive after just 3 dates...he said I was "the one". He's 47 years old, was married for 2 years but otherwise has not had any other relationships that I'm aware of for longer than 6 months. From talking to his ex, he has had a pattern of always having other women(mostly previous lovers)in his life. He did it with her, with women before her, and now with me. We'd been together for 18 months and women were still calling our house who didn't know he was in a relationship, let alone living with someone! The last one...he took the call outside to be private and didn't tell her about me until I went outside as well and sat down right next to him.

Having friends of the opposite sex can be okay, but he is secretive about what they talk about and if/when they meet, etc. His "friend with benefits" before me has continued to be in contact with him....making sexual offers and telling he deserves better than me and generally boosting his ego. He thrives on flirting with these women and hearing all the good things they have to say about him. I have lots of good things I tell him as well, but we also have to discuss our blended family, household duties, bills and needs.

All this has had a detrimental affect on my level of security in the relationship. We haven't had sex for months, not even full-on kissing because he said he's just not attracted to me right now because of our problems. The last couple of months have been very rough for us and last week we had a huge fight and were going to break up. When he saw me packing things up, he asked if we could talk before I packed up everything. We did talk....a great talk! We both felt better about where we want things to go..and how to get there.

He is now fostering a new "friendship" with someone in our office building. He started this the week prior to talking about breaking up. He's defensive and secretive about talking to her or meeting with her.

I've told him our relationship is very tenuous right now and his interest in this woman as a friend is not sitting well with me, he has admitted he initally thought she was attractive and then talked a bit and decided she would be nice to get to know. I feel we both need to devote our emotional resources to our relationship right now, not new ones.

Am I being too insecure, or do I have a right to feel this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:20pm
IMO this man is not marriage/long-term relationship material and doesn't know the meaning of the word exclusive or commitment. You have every right to feel the way you do. He's already looking for a replacement - new gal at work....

Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner

By Rinatta Paries

The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.

There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.

If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.

If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.

Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.

1. Excessive Flirtation

People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.

Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.

2. Man/Woman Watching

Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.

3. Infidelity

Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.

4. Another Relationship

OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.

5. Romantic Contact From Other People

Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?

I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.

If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.

You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.

6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors

Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.

If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.

7. 'It's All Your Fault'

Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.

However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?

You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.

You are right, he LOVES the attention...women calling him, offering sexual encounters, etc all the while him not owning up to the fact that living with you, being in an exclusive, committed relationship means he's off the market.

You can't love him enough to make him have the same values, be on the same page as you and honor your relationship the way you want it to be. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie