Please continue debating here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Please continue debating here
16
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 4:00am

Thanks for moving your debate away from the OPs post

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 9:06am

 

IMHO, there is nothing to debate. Take 100 couples who have been married over 20 years. Ask  them who still has hour-long sex every single day of their lives. See how many will laugh in your face.

Honestly, even reading this written out makes me laugh, in disbelief.  Glenn, the poster who's the reason for this new thread, is very HL (high libido) as they say on Mismatched Libidos board and sort of refuses to grasp that not every single man and woman on the planet are HL too.

To Glenn: most of us DO NOT NEED an hour of sex every day. Let alone with someone you've been married to for 22 years. Give me a week with this incredibly gorgeous, IMHO, glam metal band member I fancy like crazy, for about a month. I will happily and readily and lustfully have sex with him every single day for 2  hours if he so wished. THIS is the norm. Not the other.

This IS the topic of the thread, correct? :smileylol:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 10:17am

I don't want to put words in Glenn's mouth--we really need him to come here and tell us himself--but I thing what triggered him was the use of the word "normal."  Generally, we think of the opposite of "normal" to be "abnormal," and Glenn naturally doesn't regard himself as abnormal.  Besides which, he has a book, y'know?

Perhaps a better term than "normal" would be "customary"--it is not customary for couples married 22 years to have hour-long sex every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 10:37am

 

 Normal, customary..... it's just semantics. Whatever. Most couples married for 22 years do not have hour long sex every day. End of story.

Thanks for being so polite though..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:53pm

I never intended to argue what is and is not normal.

Just to demonstrate how ones concept of 'normal' can be a limiting factor based on those assumptions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 5:41pm

>>If the hour long sex of the OP was mutually enjoyable, she would not have posted here in the first place so to point that out is rather redundant, no?<<

If the point is so redundant, why did you feel the need to ask her in your first post if hour long sex is a bad thing?     Surely it would have been obvious to you that a partner who can't climax for an hour or more IS a bad thing for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 5:53pm

>>In lue of trueblue's explanation as to how and why I have driven this thread off topic by addressing the initial assumptions of the OP, I will continue as I do not believe anything I have posted is off topic (aka - highjacked).<<

I think you misunderstand my use of the term highjacked.  I am not referring to you going on a tangent with your original assumption.  I think the OP set you straight by letting you know that you totally misunderstood the problem.  

When I speak of hijacking, I am referring to you making this thread about you.  YOUR sex life and your partners and your beliefs.    And then the following debate as other posters try to explain a women's point of view.   All of this combined is what makes a hijack. 

I think you would do well to focus on the OP and her issues rather than talking about yourself.  This thread is not about you.   Then again, this is a basic rule of thumb even when helping a friend over coffee.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 12:19pm

So when a friend, over coffee, asks for advice - telling them what works for you as well as what has helped many others in that friend's same position has no proper place in that exchange?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 1:42pm
glenn1962 wrote:

So when a friend, over coffee, asks for advice - telling them what works for you as well as what has helped many others in that friend's same position has no proper place in that exchange?


I would never say......

' I was having daily, mututally enjoyable, one or more sessions, hour plus long sex with my wife of 22 years (with a few days off a month for her cycle) the entire marriage so there is no way to convince me that it is painful by default. Following my divorce, my gf of 2.5 years was even more so.

Two gf's prior to marriage, same.

What am I missing?

 

Because that is not in anyway useful to the OP.  The issue is not the hour long sex, its the fact that neither the OP or her DH are satisfied with their relationship, and the most obvious symptoms are sexually related.

The OP feels betrayed and obviously her emotional needs are not being met by her DH.  Her DH doesn't feel his wife is satisfying his sexual desires adequately and has taken a course of action that not only betrays his wife, but also causes her to feel even less connected with her DH and she has lost all desire to be intimate with him.

Your sexual experience in no way applies, none of it matters. 

What I would suggest (and I will in just a few) would be to set aside the sexual issues for now, and figure out where and when in the marriage, the downturn occured.   Was there a career change, lifestyle change?  Are there new influences in the picture?  Did something happen to either of them (be it traumatic or emotional) that caused them to change how they interact with their spouse.  What is going on now in their lives that no longer matches their expectations when they first married.

And then also consider what little things might start to reignite their relationship.  Would taking 30 minutes of each day to just talk be helpful?  Perhaps doing something they haven't done in a long time, that they used to enjoy.  Or starting a new activity together.  Maybe the OP could look into spicing up her libido a bit, what is something she might consider enjoyable, and then trying that.  Buying new lingerie and then wearing it during the day under her regular clothes might make her feel a little more intimate.  Flirting by text back and forth. 

What possible adjustments to their communication could they try. 

I would also suggest reading The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman, it is really a great resource for communication with in a relationship.  Another book of his is about the different Seasons with in a marriage, and how to recognize them. 

 



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 2:01pm

 

And why would any of your suggestions, say flirting by text, be any more legitimate than my recommendation to reconsider her assumptions about normal sex?

Same question with the book you recommend over the one I recommended?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 2:14pm

It's not what she considers normal, its that she is not ENJOYING the sex she is experiencing.  And her DH is not satisfied either.

So, maybe trying something different that she thinks she might enjoy, might go a long way towards revamping that part of the problem.  Right now she gives into having sex, it sounds as though she feels obligated to do so.  So, why not try something that she might enjoy, and that is on her own accord. 

And I didn't make any mention of your book.  Why are you assuming I disagree with it?  What I disagree with is your approach to offering advice.

You state hour long daily sex is normal, which it is for YOU.  And you enjoy it, that is why you continue to do so.  She is NOT enjoying sex at this time, and she mentioned that her husband needing at least an hour to climax is part of the problem.  Not that is isn't normal. 

Now, I have a question solely for you.  Do you enjoy debating?  Is this something you intentionally do for the purpose of entertainment.  Or are you debating because you feel you have a legitimate approach to offering advice?

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