please dont bash me for this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
please dont bash me for this
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 4:38am
ok, I need the opinion of some people on this one. i am married...seeing a married man..we are both working on getting out of the marriages we are in now.. about 10 months ago i did some things with the guy i am married to and i told the guy i am seeing about it. I hadnt lied to the guy i am seeing..i know..funny...anyways...well the other day i did lie..about something so small and he found out. thats something he will not tolerate so now i have 2 choices...let him do things with another woman and i have to watch or he leaves. Its a test basically to see if i will stay like he did. I dont want to do either and after hours of begging and pleading He did say i could think of a "plan C" but he has to deem it acceptable. Basically i have to come up with a "punishment" that will hurt me the same way i hurt him. I know some of you may say its what i get for cheating..or lying or tell me that i should just let this guy leave etc. He is a wonderful man, minus this incident and i cant handle watching him sleep with someone else and i cant lose him either so i need to know what would be an acceptable "punishment" for me to give myself. Please help me
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 5:26am
Okay, no bashing. But in the words of Dr. Phil, "What ARE you thinking?"

You say that this guy will not "tolerate" lying, but I guess "cheating" is okay, so long as he's not the one getting hurt?

I do understand that when romance is involved, people sometimes lose sight of what is right and get mixed up in all sorts of problematic situations. However, you absolutely need to step back from this situation and take a good, long, objective look at it. You're both cheating on your spouses and now this guy wants to punish you by making you watch him "do other things" with another woman? He's just trying to get permission to get his kicks and if he doesn't, he threatens to leave, like a big baby. This is a very sick situation where there is no love or respect. Is this the type of relationship you want? Is this the type of person you want to be or be with?

My opinion is that you should either work on your marriage, or call it quits. You didn't mention anything at all about your husband, or what type of relationship you two have. I did notice that you didn't even call him your husband, but rather "the guy I am married to". As for the married man you are seeing, it's clear that he has absolutely no principles and is a user. He's got you wrapped around his little finger and you will do anything so as not to upset him. He is a loser and your best bet is to lose HIM.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm thinking of the three people who are getting hurt here - your husband, his wife, and you. You may not realize it now but he is taking every shred of respectability from you. Please wake up and get your life back on course. You are a valuable person (who has made some mistakes) and you deserve to be treated with love and respect, not punished...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 8:30am
Good morning,

An exceptable punishment is what your looking for? The simple fact that you've done what you've done and now as an adult will deal with the repruccsions of such actions is your quote unquote punishment. We all make mistakes, there is temptation at every corner at times. As long as you can grow to forgive yourself and your o.k. with it then hopefully the man in your life in which you love will heal as well. YOu should look to as to why it is you cheated to begin with. Is there something missing in your marriage, figure out what it is together in time and work towards repairing. Be friends, most of all, be friends it will get you through anything.

Life isn't easy and yes it is confusing, take sometime and think and be just you without any men, without any large amounts of confusion or guilt regarding mistakes made with either man. Just take some you time, it sounds as though you need it.

Good luck and remember whats meant to be will be in life, I do believe in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:18am
"He did say i could think of a "plan C" but he has to deem it acceptable. Basically i have to come up with a "punishment" that will hurt me the same way i hurt him."

Plan C: Kick this loser out of your life. Get yourself to full time therapy tonight! You might need to check yourself into an intstitution if you can not read your post and see that there is something seriously wrong here.

Do you realize how insane your post sounds? This man is emotionally sadistic, and if you are even considering going along with him you have masochistic tendencies.

I ask you, what "punishment" did you give yourself for cheating on your husband. And how did he "punish" himself for cheating on his wife? Never mind, I do NOT want to know!

And "he has to deem it acceptable"??????????????????????????

Unless you are actually 5 years old and he is your parent, no one should be deeming any "punishments" acceptable for anyone else- that's why we have a legal system-

and speaking of "acceptable", there is absolutely NOTHING that is acceptable in this situation.

Please get counseling. You REALLY need help.

Edited 5/28/2003 9:28:38 AM ET by ladytaura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:31pm
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are with a very SICK man. My gosh, could you be playing any more GAMES with eachother? He gives you choices for your PUNISHMENT? You can come up with a Plan C, but he was to APPROVE it? Sounds like a whack-job to me. Dump him, divorce your husband, and play the field. It sounds to me like you're just looking for sex, not a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 4:59pm
I think you two are perfect for each other. The punishment? Tell your husband you are having an affair, that you want a divorce and that you will sign an agreement stating that he owes you no money, doesn't have to give you the house or any of your property - he can sell it in a big garage sale if he wants.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 7:12pm
Q: "i need to know what would be an acceptable "punishment" for me to give myself. "

A: Stay with this guy and follow his orders.