Please give a guy some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Please give a guy some advice
10
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:05am
I am looking for advice from women because I have already seeked it from my male friends and I want to know if it differs from a female point of view.Here it is:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for approximately 6 months and things are wonderful, we have become quite serious in our relationship. She has a male "friend" whom she has known for 4 years or so who happens to be a special forces soldier in the US army. I have known about this friend for as long as her and I have been together and I recently found out after questioning her that she had slept with this friend. The problem for me is that she slept with this "friend" at the time that her and I began dating (again something I did not know until about a month or two into the relationship). Well this friend is going to be back in town soon and wants to see her again (he knows nothing of me). She wants me to go with her to meet this guy. I know that this says that she has nothing to hide and that she is trying to make me comfortable but I am not comfortable with this at all. She defends herself by saying that she slept with him before her and I were serious and had she known probably wouldn't have done it. I have a hard time with this concept because I personally have never slept with any of my female friends because to me they are "just friends", and I did not sleep with anyone other than her when we started dating. I do not want to meet this person for a few reasons and I admit that I am somewhat insecure in the fact that this guy is some special forces macho man and I am not. I also do not want her to go out with him alone because I would forever wonder what had transpired without my presence. I can honestly say that in most situations I trust her but this feels different. If I had my wish it would be that she catch him up on her life over the phone, politely decline going out with him but thank him for calling and let him know that she is glad to hear that he is alright. She has told me that she believes that if he meets me and sees that she is serious about me that he may "leave her alone". All that this says to me is that this guy isn't the great friend that she makes him out to be and if she believes that he will be disinterested in her after discovering he can no longer get in her pants. She thinks that I am being unreasonable and that it is wrong to forego seeing this friend because of what happened in the past. Am I? Would you be uncomfortable in the situation and if put in the place of having to do this I am not sure how "buddy, buddy" I can be with this guy (which is what she wants). What do I do?

Avatar for drshoshanna
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:14am

You are right here. This situation has various layers which must be understood. Number 1 - if she slept with him, he is not simply a friend, but an ex-boyfriend. There is no reason why she should be continuing this on-going contact with him while she is in a relationship with you. Some men are okay with this kind of situation, but not many. Now that she is with you, it is necessary for her to respect your feelings in this matter and be considerate of them. There's no reason at all for the two of you to see him, or for her to see him either. It's up to her to let him know that she's with someone else and it's over. She expresses to you a wish that "he'll leave her alone" if he sees you. This is odd. Either she hasn't told him about the new relationship, or he wont' accept it and may be harrassing her in some way. This is all the more reason for her to completely cut off contact with him. She shoud simply let him know that she is in a new romantic relationship and that her relationship with him is over - (as it was a sexual relationship and not merely friends). If she is really firm about it (and realizes within herself that this is right), then he will most likely respect that. Otherwise, she is playing some kind of game here.


You need to be firm and clear yourself about boundaries, and what you can and cannot accept. Once again, if you are clear and firm, that will communicate itself to her. The nature of

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:00pm
So that I have this straight...she had a one-nighter with a friend (I'm okay with this) and she has told him nothing about dating you while corresponding with him while he's been deployed. She wants to go out with him when he returns, and she figures IF you meet him that he'll see that she's serious about you and he'll stop pestering her for a date or for more no-obligation sex?

And you're still dating this girl..what about the above did you miss?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:26pm
She isn't thinking clearly. She's trying to spare his feelings and justify her choices, actions and behavior.

Red Flags:

1)(he knows nothing of me).

2) if he meets me and sees that she is serious about me that he may "leave her alone".

If he's such a *good friend* then he should already know about you. She should have been writing about the 'great guy' she met and is dating NOW. She's HIDING you from him. NOT GOOD.

Positives:

1)She wants me to go with her to meet this guy.

Go, overcome your insecurity BUT insist she tell the guy about you, before you meet in person.

::She thinks that I am being unreasonable and that it is wrong to forego seeing this friend because of what happened in the past. Am I?

NO. The only way it would be unreasonable is if she slept with the guy 'years ago', maintained a friendship, and he knew about you already.

::Would you be uncomfortable in the situation and if put in the place of having to do this I am not sure how "buddy, buddy" I can be with this guy (which is what she wants).

No, especially since he's hiding you from him. Here's part of my relationship story so you can see the difference:

My boyfriend has known one of his female friends for about 10 yrs. They slept together way back when, but remainded friends. He told me about her immediately when we got serious. He didn't hide anything from either of us. She got married about the time I met him. We hang out with her and her husband. There are no 'left over' feelings of inappropriate intimacy. She loves her husband. They have a 1 yr old together. I actually like her and her husband. But again, there was no secrets and nothing inappropriate in either of their behavior when I first met her.

::What do I do?

Decide what you are willing to live with and what you aren't willing to live with, then follow through.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:06pm
Maybe I wasn't to clear. As far as I know and I do believe that I am sure on this, the reason this guy knows nothing about me is because there has been no correspondence between the two of them since he last left. All that he knows is that the last time he was here he was able to sleep with her. So I dont think that she is hiding me from him. But I do believe that a continued relationship with this guy is inappropriate now that we are together. If they had slept together let's say years or even months before her and I knew each other, I would still be uncomfortable with it but I think it would be easier to understand, however, the fact is that she slept with this guy after meeting me and when we were in the very early stages of beginning to date. This says to me that obviously there was enough attraction there even when she did know me so now I am uncomfortable knowing that even though her and I are together now there still has to be some attraction there to him. I know that they have been friends for awhile and I hate to come between that, am I asking for the wrong thing to cease a relationship with this so called friend or am I justified in this request? I realize that if they are good friends that it is not the guys fault that they can no longer be due to my insecurities but shouldn't my feelings take precedence over someone who she sees once in a blue moon and had casual sex with the last time she saw him? I believe this guy is calling because he knows that in the past when he came home he had the opportunity to sleep with her and is hoping that it will happen again. I dont want her or I to be a part of this guys life whatsoever anymore and I am not sure if asking her to ditch this friend is the wrong thing to do or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:14pm
Then how does she know he wants to see her when he gets back, if there's been no contact? Or was it pre-communicated before he left? Or is she just assuming?

::am I asking for the wrong thing to cease a relationship with this so called friend or am I justified in this request?

I don't think you are wrong to request this. If she's willing to continue a friendship with someone she just had sex with over her relationship with you, if for no other reason than you are uncomfortable, then she's not taking your feelings into consideration.

Ask her if the roles were reversed would she be ok with this scenario? I think not.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:31pm
she knows because he called 2 days ago and left a voicemail that he will be back in town on the 20th and would like to see her (she let me listen to the message). I agree that if she feels the way she says does about me then she should respect my wishes. She counters this by saying that what I am asking her to do is wrong and therefore she cant do it. I hate to come between a friendship even though I view it as much more than that being sex was involved but I am really uncomfortable with this! She then proceeds to tell me that I must not trust her if I am uncomfortable with this, but honestly I think anyone in my situation would be uncomfortable. If say they had slept together years or even months before she KNEW me then I admit that while I would still be very uncomfortable with it, it would be much easier to cope with because I could view it as "oh well that was before she knew me". But in this situation I cant because she did it when her and I had just begun seeing each other and even though we weren't "serious" then I think it was very wrong and deems it now inappropriate to continue any kind of relationship with this guy. I am trying to give all the information I can so that I know that I am not only portraying my side of the story. Does this change your view at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:39pm
Nope it doesn't change my view.

Get the book - 10 things couples do to mess up their relationship and let Dr Laura (author) tell her or make a counseling appt and let the therapist tell her.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:04am
I agree.

The fact that she seems to make it your responsiblity for over reacting is troubling.

She doesn't 'owe' this guy anything upon his return if they are 'just' friends. His simply sying he wants to see her requires no real action on her part. She can call him when he returns and tell him she is glad he's home safely, blah blah blah and she is now seeing someone exclusively, great guy, etc etc etc. If he still wants to get togehter at that point, then he can do so with you.

She doesn't want to do this - in fact, she'd rahter you be uncomfortable than be honest with either of you. That is a HUGE red flag.

She'savoiding a conflict - not telling someone else that she is unavailable and why, but at the same time, sacrificing your trust and respect for your relationship. She is also not willing to take responsibility for ending a relationship that has no place with her current relationship with you.

Basically, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing from anyone. She is hiding something.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:34am
I agree. She doesn't seem like she's being straight about the situation. She shouldn't be attacking you because she doesn't like what you have to say. My ex said that the best defense is a good offense, and he practiced it with rigor. This woman does not sound virtuous. I can't see how she could be dating one man and have sex with a "friend" if she were (I'm not condemning all women that have done that, people make mistakes, but this woman is mean, too.). I may be making a huge leap here, but my hunch is that she uses men for whatever she can get out of them. IF she's playing you, she'd want to take you to meet him to make him jealous. Then she'd discredit your discomfort about the situation. Also, if she's playing you, she'll also play him when it suits her, probably when or if she had him in a committed situation. It's not a matter of your value, it's a matter of her values.

She's not respecting your feelings. She's saying your feelings aren't important and wrong even. I think it's because her feelings are wrong and she doesn't want you to catch on. I hope I'm wrong, but at least respect yourself enough to be open to whatever evidence presents itself. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:28pm
Sex with male friends isn't an odd concept to me. Actually, it is more odd to hear someone say they haven't had sex with an opposite sex friend. That said, I still understand why you would have qualms about it. I have a male friend who I have had sex with, but am not attracted to in a committed relationship sort of way. My boyfriend knows this, but has a hard time believing or accepting it from me. He has asked me to not hang out with him or talk to him. I have a hard time doing this, but considering I'm a fair person and would not accept this from my boyfriend, I have chosen to grant him his wish. I think it is reasonable and fair, so I will do it whether I really want to or not. I have to give us a fair shot. If it doesn't work out for us, hopefully my male friend will understand and be friends with me again. But, it's all about priorities and I choose my boyfriend and his feelings at this point. Hope that gives you some added insight.