Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
Please help
10
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 7:56am

Hey all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months. One day, he just told me suddenly that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I am confused. Thus I would like to seek advice from you guys.

There was this day, I was supposed to meet my boyfriend when I've finished work. During the morning, he was still the same old guy who wished me good morning, said i love you and called me baby. Then at the end of the day, he just smsed me saying he doesn't think he's coming to fetch me. I asked him why, and he said he doesn't have any feeling anymore. I've asked when did it happen, he said he had been thinking and struggling for the past few weeks. I was sad because he didn't share what was going through his mind with me.

This really confused me. There wasn't a sign or anything, and I didn't see it coming. He said he was confused too, but was certain that he has no feelings for me anymore.

After a few days, I've finally convinced him to take a break from the relationship and try to find the feeling back. But I'm not too sure whether he will really try to look for it since he said he wanted his own space. I agree I have been too dependent and clingy towards him. I kept smsing him, and gave him missed calls when he didn't reply my sms. But what he said on that night has woke me up. Thus, I really do hope he will give this relationship one more chance.

Do you really think taking a break from the relationship and finding the feeling back works or just break up? This happened way too sudden, and I just can't let go.

Is this normal for a couple to experience this phase? Any advice on what I should do?

Thank you very much,
mochi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: mochi88
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 9:46am

No, this is not a normal phase. It means he doesn't have feelings for you anymore, and you got through the easy part of your relationship okay but when the initial feelings wore off there just wasn't anything else left for him.

A break will not help you. Being away from you will only solidify that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I recommend letting him go and saving yourself some dignity; it is not worth it to try to convince someone to have feelings for you when they don't. I know it hurts badly, and even more so because it's unexpected... He was very good at hiding his lack of feelings in an attempt to see for sure if they aren't there anymore, or maybe he met someone else. Relationships deserve "one more chance" when there is something that can be fixed. If he doesn't have feelings for you anymore then there is nothing to work on. I'm really really sorry... this must be tough on you and I sympathize.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mochi88
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 10:50am

It's normal for individuals in relationships to have all kinds of feelings, including the need for space and including the feeling that things aren't working, and not be able to communicate them. They may not even be clear themselves about what's going on inside. Clearly, your boyfriend had many thoughts and feelings that were building up inside. As he couldn't express them, or perhaps even identify them, they just boiled over and he cut himself off from you and the relationship.


Taking a break to find the feeling will not help anything. What he needs is to learn how to understand what he's going through and have the courage to express it on an on-going basis. He may miss you, but if he doesn't understand how to be in a relationship or what's going on inside, there's no way to make this grow.


On-going communication is the basis of all healthy relationships and prevents this kind of thing from happening.


Even though it is sudden, realize it has been building for awhile. Also do not blame yourself or let this make you feel inadequate. Learn the lessons you can learn from it, and it's best to move on when you're ready.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: mochi88
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 1:49pm

Welcome to the board mochi88,


::I've asked when did it happen, he said he had been thinking and struggling for the past few weeks. I was sad because he didn't share what was going through his mind with me.


My personal opinion is that most of us push away our doubts and don't share them, until they become so big that we can't do anything but share them.


It's normal for you to now recoginze your own issues - clingy, dependent, calling all the time, etc and try to explain, defend or make changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: mochi88
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 2:46pm

Welcome to the board mochi88,


I have to say I agree with what the other posters have said. He didn't say that he wanted a break he said that he didn't have feelings for you anymore. There is a big difference. I think the best thing you are can do at this point is to stop contacting him and see if he contacts you. If he doesn't, than you know where you stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
In reply to: mochi88
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 9:23pm
Cherchez la femme, mochi88.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
In reply to: mochi88
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 12:43am

Thank you everyone.

I've talked to him, and he has finally expressed how he really felt in the relationship.

He mentioned to me I've changed in the relationship, till he was scared of me. The girl he was once in love with was gone.

He's feeling better now after we've discussed about the feelings that he built up over the weeks.

Now he's considering whether he should give this relationship one more chance. He's not sure how long it'll takes though, but he states it will roughly be around one week.

I really hope he will agree, but the only thing I can do now is be myself again while waiting for his answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: mochi88
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 7:55am

If you really think about it, do you agree with him? Have you changed significantly?

People do change in relationships, it's inevitable. Being in love changes us, sometimes it's a good thing. Don't lose sight of who you want to be, but also make sure you're not putting on a show being someone you're not to please a man. I hope it goes well for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
In reply to: mochi88
Sun, 05-25-2008 - 7:05am
Yes, I agree with him and I really do not like the changes in me. I prefer to be the girl that he fell in love with. ((:
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
In reply to: mochi88
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 12:22am

"There was this day, I was supposed to meet my boyfriend when I've finished work. During the morning, he was still the same old guy who wished me good morning, said i love you and called me baby. Then at the end of the day, he just smsed me saying he doesn't think he's coming to fetch me."


Could he have met someone that day?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
In reply to: mochi88
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 9:26am
No.