Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Please Help!
5
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 7:40pm
Im in a serious relationship of almost 2 years. Im not happy, though i do love him. He treats me good, though not special. He doesnt include me in activites, he doesnt stand up for me, he doesnt have conversations with me. he wakes up bitching bout my pets. We never had sex alot althogh we never do anymore. He only kisses me goodbye most of the time, but never any real kisses. Ive been crying and begging him to help me fix the problems in our relationship and he doesnt. were not married but we have gotten alot of property while together, our bed, our living room set (which were still paying for), my car which is in his grandmothers name and even though im paying on it she will take it if i leave him and more. Im hurt, very hurt and confused. I dont know what to do. any advice. Also I dont have family to help me or even talk to. That also hurts because ive been working and planning for him to be my family and one day have a family with him. I feel like if I leave him i lose everything. right now hes on the house boat with his friends celebrating his friend that passed away 2 years ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ivrachel2004
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 9:23pm

To be honest, you've not given any good reasons to stay in this situation. You haven't said it, but I'd bet that with the way you're feeling, your health hasn't been the best lately either. Being unhappy takes a huge toll not only on our minds, but on our bodies too.

I understand that the division of posessions is a nuisance, as would be loosing the car. But in the grand scheme of things, a few thousand dollars means nothing compared to your happiness and health.

Look at the big picure. Money can always be replaced, but you can't replace years lost to misery.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
In reply to: ivrachel2004
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 10:29pm

You've reached the point where you've past the honeymoon stage of the relationship and settled into how things are generally going to be. It's obviously not what you want in a relationship. It leaves you feeling lonely and unhappy. You've given it your all as far as trying to speak to him and get things to change, and he won't. It's time to move on.

The two big reasons you give for not wanting to leave- shared property and not having other people in your life- should actually be two more reasons to leave. Those are the reasons people get stuck in relationships that aren't good for them for long periods of time. Those aren't smart reasons to stay with a person.

Do you have any friends you can turn to when you are feeling alone? If not, I would make it a priority to try to make new friends so you are not so dependent on him.

As for the property, you can live without a bed and a living room set. You can survive even if it means having to buy a used bicycle or take the bus. Those are just material objects. Are you really going to spend the rest of your life with somebody because of a bed, a living room set, and a car?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: ivrachel2004
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:14am
The thing is I was really into drugs about 6 months befor I met him. I had to leave that lifestyle and all the friends I knew then. We were really cool and always hung out as friends. Then I guess since we did always hang out, all of his friends and my new friends were calling us boyfriend/girlfriend. Then when i got introduced as his girlfriend to his dad by his friend that was when we decided we would go ahead and date. Hes been one of the few people that accept me for who/how I am and doesnt base things from my past. He also never throws things from my past in my face, like my ex-H did. There just some small problems that equal up to a big one after a while. Ive had my cat before we got together. And he hates him! And has to tell me everyday. Also hes not too "romantic", no passionat kisses, no really meaningful hugs, no flowers, etc. I dont exspect them everyday, but a few here and there to let me know he still thinks of me and feels like im special. We dont have real conversations, when i talk bout my day or anything like that he doesnt respond, or if someone else walks up and starts talking, he starts talking to them as though I never said a word. We have a speed boat, I dont know how to drive it. So every time I ask him to take me for a ride, he doesnt want to. If some one else asks him, then he goes, and if they ask what about me, then he will invite me. Also I can never get him to take a good pic with me. Hes always making some kind of face. But When he takes one with other girls he always looks great and very happy. That hurts. On the weekends he always goes from work to the houseboat, hours later when he wants ciggerettes he will call me and ask me if i will bring him some. He use to meet up with me then we'd go together, getting the beer and ciggerettes that we'd need. Or sometimes now it one of our other friends that will call and ask me to come hang out. Last saturday when i came out to the houseboat, he didnt say hi, give me a hug or kiss, (I went out the nite befor with some other friends and hadnt seen him sence) he didnt ask if i had fun or what happened. It was about 2 hours later before he even noticed i was there, except to come get his beer from me. I just want some attention, something to make me feel more special than just some other person in the background. He just says hes not good at this relationship thing, but i know he could try way harder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: ivrachel2004
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 6:43pm

'He treats me good,'

I disagree. Why are you still around. Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ivrachel2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 12:07pm

It sounds as though you are in a negative relationship, where you're not getting the closeness, warmth or connection you need. Especially is there is no sex, this has just turned into a friendship of some kind. It does not sound healthy. (And, why are you making payments on a car that will go to his grandmother if you leave? That is deeply unreasonable and sounds as though you are being used in some negative way).


He is not treating you well or as a family would. If you are so alone, what you need to do is to get new support systems, find new friends, develop a way of standing on your own. Don't rely on him or his family for this.


There are many support groups available for women. Check with your local churches, hospitals, universities and on the web. There are even support groups for abused women (I'm not saying you are an abused woman), but you might learn a lot by attending some of them. You also need to engage in activities that are meaningful to you and find some new friends there.


The relationship as you describe it is strange and certainly not one that is leading towards marriage (nor should it if it goes this way).


If at all possible, I also strongly suggest you find a therapist or well trained counselor and sit down and talk this over in detail so you will get the support and clarity you need to get out of this spot.


All good wishes,