please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
please help
3
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:04pm
My boyfirend of a year and a half just moved in with me. He likes to hang out with his friends a lot. It seems like too much. Everynight he hangs out with them away from home and does not get home until 8 or 10. Last night he did not get home until 2 am. I don't mind him hanging out with them but it seems like it is too much. He says that he wants to get married, but I am not sure if I want to marry someone that spends more time with his buddies than with me. When I try to talk to him about this he says that he is just spending time with them and its not a big deal. He says he feels like a need to just relax. I am not sure what to do. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and I know that he loves me but is this a serious issue. I am not sure what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
In reply to: snu2216
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:07pm
I know exactly how you feel. When I started dating my boyfriend, he wanted to spend every minute with me, he even talked about getting married. Whoa!! I kind of got freaked out cause I wasn't sure how I even felt about him. Now, I'm so in love with him, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. Within the past 3 months, he's been going out a lot more on the weekends. He even goes to his cousins house and spends saturday and sunday there. When he first started doing it, I got really frustrated, and I was hurt. I understand that guys need some 'guy' time, but they have to draw the boundaries somewhere. We make time for them, why shouldn't they make time for us? I think that you should start making plans of your own, and hang out with friends after work. Beat him at his own game. It sucks that we have to call it a game, but that's what it is. He should see that you have your own life and you're not waiting around for him at home. He'll start getting curious, and maybe even a little jealous. And if he does, just tell him it's only fair that you shouldn't have to wait around while he goes out and has a good time.

I should be taking my own advice ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: snu2216
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:55pm
snu2216...

Pianoguy read your post twice...and the only song floating through his head was the Elton John tune: "I Gotta Get A Meal Ticket!"

Does this tell you something?

I'm not suggesting the b/f doesn't want to spend time with you, but it's obvious by the number of nights he's away..........that he's basically coming home to use the shower and change his clothes!

Reality: Guys hang out with their friends...both male and female. But the amount of time should be reduced if the 2 of you moved in together "to be with each other more!" So if you don't like the percentage now...DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE!

Wedding rings indicate that the man and woman are bonded together...not that the man has acquired "a leash" and you'll decide when to let him off it! Judging from your insecurities about your love for this fella...give him a month's notice to move. If he asks you why...tell him that you're not comfortable "living with him" under the current arrangement...and that you want your space back.

Just expect a HUGE BLOW UP after you 'serve notice'....cuz you'll definitely get one from him!!!!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
In reply to: snu2216
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:28am
Just remember, guys treat you the best before marriage. After that they relax more. That should warn you that this is the best you'll ever be treated and it will be worse later. In other words, forget it and move on. Love is great but respect is even better.