Please HELP!!!
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Please HELP!!!
| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:46pm |
This is very long and is actually 2 postings, please bear with me! I appreciate anyone that will take the time to read and offer some advice. I am at a complete loss and am very very hurt!
I have been dating this great guy for about two months now. For almost one month out of the 2 we have not seen eachother much due to the fact that I have been away on business for 1 1/2 weeks out of this month, he went home to see his family for 1 week and I am at home visiting my family for 1 week. While I was on a business trip last week he called me and told me that his ex wife called and told him that she was going to see a lawyer and get custody of the kids. I know that this is weighing on his mind heavily as his children are his world! Since this has happened he is very distant and just sounds awful on the phone. His patience with EVERYONE is non existant (even with the kids, which is not like him). I am very worried about him, but don't feel that it's my place to pry to much. I have asked him if he wants to talk and he says no, but last night he opened up a bit and stopped himself saying you didn't call me to hear about my problems, how are you!? I told him that that is what I was hear for was to listen to him, that I may not always know what to say, but I will listen. It just makes it hard cause I am thousands of miles away and won't be home for a few more days. I am also finding myself doubting his feelings for me because he is so distant. Before this happened we would speak for ages on the phone and now it's like he has nothing to say to me. And that hurts. I really, really like this guy and I don't know what to do. One of my dearest friends (Mel) said I should sit him down this weekend and tell him how I feel. I am tempted to tell him that I know he has alot on his plate and maybe we should back off a bit so he has one less thing to worry about. I don't want to but maybe it is best for him right now. Mel says that might cast doubt in his mind about my intentions. HELP!!!
Yesterday, I came home from my holiday at home. He had asked me to call him when I got up to go to the airport on a message on my mobile. As I knew it would be hectic in the morning, I emailed him to tell him that I would call him when I landed at my first layover. So I did and he told me that he didn't have today off (which he had given me a heads up earlier that this may happen) and that he was going to a function Friday night. I felt like I had been broadsided and didn't know what to say! I am very hurt that our first chance to spend time together comes and he made other plans! So I got off the phone with him and thought about it and decided that I didn't want him to pick me up from the airport as he's always going on about how he has alot on his plate! So I called him up and he didn't answer so I left a message saying, "I know your really busy, so just throw my keys in my car and I'll take a cab to your house and get my car when I arrive. Let me take one thing off your plate." My tone was light and there was no malice in my intent. Well my phone was off until I arrived at my next layover and I turned it on when we landed and it immediatly started ringing! He didn't take to well to my message and was telling me I was playing games and he didn't have time for this s%^&! I told him that it was not my intent to play games and that I was sorry I made him mad. I also told him that I was hurt by the fact that we weren't going to spend time together and he said I planned to spend time with you tonight, but now I don't want to. I missed my flight because I was focusing on the conversation we were having and had to get on a flight to a different airport. I rang him back and told him I missed it, he asked how and I said it was because we were arguing. Oh so it's my fault he says! No it was mine because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, I said.
So I asked him if he could get me at the other airport and he said yes. But we are not talking about what is going on with us in front of the kids. I would never dream of doing that in front of the kids! So he picked me up and we barely spoke. Finally he said that he has so much on his plate and he's very overwhelmed and I told him maybe he should take a few things off. He said there was nothing that could go, he didn't know what was wrong with him, but he's negative about everything right now. He completely sat on the other side of the car close to the window like he didn't want to be around me.
We got to his house and I got my stuff out of the car while he got the kids in the house. He came back out and said I'm glad you got home safe. I said I want to ask you something and now may not be the right time, but I have to ask, do you think you need to take me off your plate for a while? He said no that I need to calm down, we need to talk but were not getting into it tonight. But he wouldn't look at me when he said it and that bothered me! I said thats fine, but I needed to know that so that I can undersatnd where I stand and so I can be patient with you. I humiliated my self by asking if I could stay at his as I was VERY VERY tired and the weather was bad. He said no! This from the man that is always trying to get me stay over. He said I gotta go I have 2 hours of work ahead of me I will stay on the phone with you while you drive to keep you awake, I said no and asked for a kiss goodbye (humiliation #2). He kissed me but it wasn't a peck and it wasn't like it usually is! There was no affection or I'm so glad your home....anything and that hurts! He asked me to call him when I got home so he knew I got home okay.
I called him when I got home and he was asleep so I just said I'm home, talk to you later. I am sorry this is so long, but I want to give as many details as possible. I am at a loss as to what to do. In the past week he has done a complete 180 on me. I don't want to push, but I am getting nothing which makes me draw my own conclusions. And they aren't good ones. I don't know when I will hear from him or see him and I am completely shattered over how cold he is being. And I feel that there is more going on than just the ex wife situation. He has always been so warm and kind and now he is the complete opposite. What do I do?
My cousin told me I should call him to let him know that I am here if he needs anything, she said not to let the lines of communication fall as it is obvious that he cares or he would have taken the out option last night. I told her that I was going to give it a day or two as I don't know what to say. He called me tonight, just to say Hi he said. He told me about something that happened at work and then said he had to go tend to the kids...so he'd talk to me later. We talked for about 2 minutes! I almost wish he wouldn't have called...is that wrong? I just feel like what was the point in that? I don't know if I should call him tomorrow or the next day and what do I say when I do talk to him? This is so FRUSTRATING! And I know I am beating the heck out of this with anyone that will listen to me. I don't have anyone here that I can pal around with...all of my friends are in other states, so I can't just occupy my time with friends which is what I should do. Does anyone have an idea of how to step back but not step totally back? I have a problem in that I go from one extreme to the next, meaning I will either hound you to death or I drop off the earth and don't call you (wait for you to call me, kinda thing) I don't want to push him away cause I really care for him and it hurts me to see him like this, but I still want him to know that I am here for him for ANYTHING he needs! I just don't get it!Thanks for listening!!
I have been dating this great guy for about two months now. For almost one month out of the 2 we have not seen eachother much due to the fact that I have been away on business for 1 1/2 weeks out of this month, he went home to see his family for 1 week and I am at home visiting my family for 1 week. While I was on a business trip last week he called me and told me that his ex wife called and told him that she was going to see a lawyer and get custody of the kids. I know that this is weighing on his mind heavily as his children are his world! Since this has happened he is very distant and just sounds awful on the phone. His patience with EVERYONE is non existant (even with the kids, which is not like him). I am very worried about him, but don't feel that it's my place to pry to much. I have asked him if he wants to talk and he says no, but last night he opened up a bit and stopped himself saying you didn't call me to hear about my problems, how are you!? I told him that that is what I was hear for was to listen to him, that I may not always know what to say, but I will listen. It just makes it hard cause I am thousands of miles away and won't be home for a few more days. I am also finding myself doubting his feelings for me because he is so distant. Before this happened we would speak for ages on the phone and now it's like he has nothing to say to me. And that hurts. I really, really like this guy and I don't know what to do. One of my dearest friends (Mel) said I should sit him down this weekend and tell him how I feel. I am tempted to tell him that I know he has alot on his plate and maybe we should back off a bit so he has one less thing to worry about. I don't want to but maybe it is best for him right now. Mel says that might cast doubt in his mind about my intentions. HELP!!!
Yesterday, I came home from my holiday at home. He had asked me to call him when I got up to go to the airport on a message on my mobile. As I knew it would be hectic in the morning, I emailed him to tell him that I would call him when I landed at my first layover. So I did and he told me that he didn't have today off (which he had given me a heads up earlier that this may happen) and that he was going to a function Friday night. I felt like I had been broadsided and didn't know what to say! I am very hurt that our first chance to spend time together comes and he made other plans! So I got off the phone with him and thought about it and decided that I didn't want him to pick me up from the airport as he's always going on about how he has alot on his plate! So I called him up and he didn't answer so I left a message saying, "I know your really busy, so just throw my keys in my car and I'll take a cab to your house and get my car when I arrive. Let me take one thing off your plate." My tone was light and there was no malice in my intent. Well my phone was off until I arrived at my next layover and I turned it on when we landed and it immediatly started ringing! He didn't take to well to my message and was telling me I was playing games and he didn't have time for this s%^&! I told him that it was not my intent to play games and that I was sorry I made him mad. I also told him that I was hurt by the fact that we weren't going to spend time together and he said I planned to spend time with you tonight, but now I don't want to. I missed my flight because I was focusing on the conversation we were having and had to get on a flight to a different airport. I rang him back and told him I missed it, he asked how and I said it was because we were arguing. Oh so it's my fault he says! No it was mine because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, I said.
So I asked him if he could get me at the other airport and he said yes. But we are not talking about what is going on with us in front of the kids. I would never dream of doing that in front of the kids! So he picked me up and we barely spoke. Finally he said that he has so much on his plate and he's very overwhelmed and I told him maybe he should take a few things off. He said there was nothing that could go, he didn't know what was wrong with him, but he's negative about everything right now. He completely sat on the other side of the car close to the window like he didn't want to be around me.
We got to his house and I got my stuff out of the car while he got the kids in the house. He came back out and said I'm glad you got home safe. I said I want to ask you something and now may not be the right time, but I have to ask, do you think you need to take me off your plate for a while? He said no that I need to calm down, we need to talk but were not getting into it tonight. But he wouldn't look at me when he said it and that bothered me! I said thats fine, but I needed to know that so that I can undersatnd where I stand and so I can be patient with you. I humiliated my self by asking if I could stay at his as I was VERY VERY tired and the weather was bad. He said no! This from the man that is always trying to get me stay over. He said I gotta go I have 2 hours of work ahead of me I will stay on the phone with you while you drive to keep you awake, I said no and asked for a kiss goodbye (humiliation #2). He kissed me but it wasn't a peck and it wasn't like it usually is! There was no affection or I'm so glad your home....anything and that hurts! He asked me to call him when I got home so he knew I got home okay.
I called him when I got home and he was asleep so I just said I'm home, talk to you later. I am sorry this is so long, but I want to give as many details as possible. I am at a loss as to what to do. In the past week he has done a complete 180 on me. I don't want to push, but I am getting nothing which makes me draw my own conclusions. And they aren't good ones. I don't know when I will hear from him or see him and I am completely shattered over how cold he is being. And I feel that there is more going on than just the ex wife situation. He has always been so warm and kind and now he is the complete opposite. What do I do?
My cousin told me I should call him to let him know that I am here if he needs anything, she said not to let the lines of communication fall as it is obvious that he cares or he would have taken the out option last night. I told her that I was going to give it a day or two as I don't know what to say. He called me tonight, just to say Hi he said. He told me about something that happened at work and then said he had to go tend to the kids...so he'd talk to me later. We talked for about 2 minutes! I almost wish he wouldn't have called...is that wrong? I just feel like what was the point in that? I don't know if I should call him tomorrow or the next day and what do I say when I do talk to him? This is so FRUSTRATING! And I know I am beating the heck out of this with anyone that will listen to me. I don't have anyone here that I can pal around with...all of my friends are in other states, so I can't just occupy my time with friends which is what I should do. Does anyone have an idea of how to step back but not step totally back? I have a problem in that I go from one extreme to the next, meaning I will either hound you to death or I drop off the earth and don't call you (wait for you to call me, kinda thing) I don't want to push him away cause I really care for him and it hurts me to see him like this, but I still want him to know that I am here for him for ANYTHING he needs! I just don't get it!Thanks for listening!!

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He could be cheating, but I dont think so because of his not going the easy way when you offered, and without any female histrionics. So, to me, you are more in the situation that I was in two different times, and it sounds like it from what you say.
Both times in my past, the guy that I cared for was about to lose his kids. Both wives were awful and I had seen these fathers with these children and they were really wonderful Daddies. Im going to go by the one that I married to explain what is going on, because with him, its when I had the exposure.
His stbx wife decided on a whole life change and started dating a female (which was a blow to the ol' libido) and though she had never taken then months of care with this child, she took the child and filed a false protective order and just disappeared with him. It was a NIGHTMARE! I wont get into the big things, but to make it plain, it wasnt him.
But he got scared, hurt, frustrated, but the worst of it was the fear. Men usually dont have an easy time with it, because its ingrained in their heads from childhood "Be a MAN, be BRAVE!" How, though, can a man be brave over the thought of losing his children? Can you see the war thats going on in there? He's bitter at her actions, he's afraid of losing the kids, and he is running off of pure emotion right now.
Every time my bf(at the time) would make some small headway, she would cut it off at the top because she was dating a divorce atty. (Imagine trying to fight a fair fight against someone devious who knows how to work the system and you will see what we went through, God it was HELL)He crumbled on a daily basis. I kept trying to draw him out, but he didnt want to be. I finally had to learn that if I was going to be there, I would have to be the silent supporter, just giving him a safe place to be. He didnt want me to go, but he felt that all his dreams of our future with our son were ruined. (My step to be technical) But the OTHER guy who Id lost because of this situation was able to help me to see it clearly and what was going on his head, and it was HIS advice that worked.
Dont try to make it better - you cant. Dont try to fix him - on this you cant. Dont try to hope - he's too scared to hope. JUST BE THERE! I know that it is so hard, I remember it all too well and if you dont think that you can handle his being this way then the kindest thing to do would be to tell him that you realize that he needs to focus on this with everything he has and youre a hinderance. Otherwise, if you DO want to be with him, it sucks but until this gets a little less scary for him, you are going to have to put all emotional issues save this one on the back burner. He isnt going to want to work on the relationship when the one that matters the most to him in his deepest heart is those children (of course). It will make everything else tiny by comparison.
At this time, if you choose to be there (and it may be one of the hardest things that youve ever done) you must be the one doing the holding, you must be the security, you must be the listener, you must realize that this is terrifying for him.
I must warn you that if you choose to stay, eventually its a possibility that with all the frustrations will make you two start to go at each other instead of the problem. It happened to us, but after a hard time, we made it through and now we are different people. (We had that, I got cancer, and several other issues all at once.)
Later, after it was over, he explained that he didnt want me to fix it, he didnt want me to understand at the time, he just wanted me. I tried to push him to have a faith that at the time he was too afraid to have.
Does he have a lawyer? How old are the children? How long has he had custody and why do you think she has made this choice? Whatever is going on, he MUST get a lawyer. NOW.
If I can be of any help, please email me through my profile. Ill do anything I can. I know where you are, I was there and it is horrible and my heart goes out to you. If you do decide to stay, you are going to have to find some reserves of strength to keep you BOTH going for a while. Its not easy, its not nice, but if you want him and you know in truth that he DOES want you, then you are going to have to fight for this. Unfortunately, this fight takes alot of selflessness and silent understanding.
Dont ask him if you are a liability, moreso ask him what can be fixed to make things a little easier for him so he can focus where he needs to. Explain that if he feels he must do this alone, then you FULLY understand and you will let him go concentrate. But ask him if he wants you to stand beside him too. If he says you should go, go. If he says you should stay, stay if you think you are capable. Ask him if all of this is over the kids and fear of losing them. If he says yes, then believe him. But this is hard on men. Ive seen two men that I never thought would cry break down and sob on my shoulder over this and crying makes them even more frustrated and angry, lol.
I wish you good luck and keep us posted
hi and hugs! i understand you are upset, but i am wondering what's going on here? you know this guy for TWO MONTHS? and out of the two months you have spent about one month together. and during this time he is delivered a very intense blow and might lose his kids?
sweetie - TAKE A DEEP BREATHE AND COOL IT. (I apologize because i didn't read the entire post, it was very long and very intense, too intense IMHO for a one-two month 'relationship').
maybe he has someone else, maybe he is still married and living with his wife, maybe he is really a good guy who could use some support right now - WHATEVER. you are getting WAY too intense.
just my opinion..
I'd back off, stop tiptoe-ing around his feelings, and find something to do. If you have no friends where you are, make some. Join a book club, a fitness club, and art class, a dance class, take up underwater basket weaving, ANYthing to occupy your time and find yourself a little more instead of making this guy the center of your world, which it sounds like you're in danger of doing. Everything is about him and his problems and his feelings. You need to not lose yourself in this relationship because it sounds like it is heading in an unhealthy direction.
Best of luck to you.
Blondie.
LEAVE HIM ALONE, GIRL AND GET YOURSELF A LIFE. YOU ARE PRECIOUS AND NEED HELP BREAKING AWAY FROM THIS MAN. YOU GLOMMED ON TO HIM AFTER A MERE TWO MONTHS, HE IS PROBABLY THINKING IF HE MARRIED YOU HOW MUCH MORE DEPENDENT ON HIM YOU WOULD BECOME!
It seems it is amost killing you to leave him alone. If he saw what WE see in your post what do you think he would do? RUN! You seem to have to keep your "hounding attitudes" under complete control and hide them from him.
Do you see what i am getting at? Your natural personality seems to me to be jumping quickly into a relatioship after a short period of time and that looks needy.
I am sure if he saw how you really feel he would run for the hills. You will not be able to hide your true personality from him forever.....it will soon appear.
I hate to be so harsh but look at yourself here. you will learn some things by viewing yourself as we all have to do at times.
I guess if I were you I'd step back from this guy and evaluate him as objectively as possible. Hold him up to a certain standard of behavior, giving some latitude because of the situation he's in. People can behave uncharacteristically because of stress, but sometimes stress is just an excuse for acting badly. It's a fine line, but, forgive the pun, worth drawing. Best wishes!
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