Please HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Please HELP!!!
13
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:46pm
This is very long and is actually 2 postings, please bear with me! I appreciate anyone that will take the time to read and offer some advice. I am at a complete loss and am very very hurt!

I have been dating this great guy for about two months now. For almost one month out of the 2 we have not seen eachother much due to the fact that I have been away on business for 1 1/2 weeks out of this month, he went home to see his family for 1 week and I am at home visiting my family for 1 week. While I was on a business trip last week he called me and told me that his ex wife called and told him that she was going to see a lawyer and get custody of the kids. I know that this is weighing on his mind heavily as his children are his world! Since this has happened he is very distant and just sounds awful on the phone. His patience with EVERYONE is non existant (even with the kids, which is not like him). I am very worried about him, but don't feel that it's my place to pry to much. I have asked him if he wants to talk and he says no, but last night he opened up a bit and stopped himself saying you didn't call me to hear about my problems, how are you!? I told him that that is what I was hear for was to listen to him, that I may not always know what to say, but I will listen. It just makes it hard cause I am thousands of miles away and won't be home for a few more days. I am also finding myself doubting his feelings for me because he is so distant. Before this happened we would speak for ages on the phone and now it's like he has nothing to say to me. And that hurts. I really, really like this guy and I don't know what to do. One of my dearest friends (Mel) said I should sit him down this weekend and tell him how I feel. I am tempted to tell him that I know he has alot on his plate and maybe we should back off a bit so he has one less thing to worry about. I don't want to but maybe it is best for him right now. Mel says that might cast doubt in his mind about my intentions. HELP!!!

Yesterday, I came home from my holiday at home. He had asked me to call him when I got up to go to the airport on a message on my mobile. As I knew it would be hectic in the morning, I emailed him to tell him that I would call him when I landed at my first layover. So I did and he told me that he didn't have today off (which he had given me a heads up earlier that this may happen) and that he was going to a function Friday night. I felt like I had been broadsided and didn't know what to say! I am very hurt that our first chance to spend time together comes and he made other plans! So I got off the phone with him and thought about it and decided that I didn't want him to pick me up from the airport as he's always going on about how he has alot on his plate! So I called him up and he didn't answer so I left a message saying, "I know your really busy, so just throw my keys in my car and I'll take a cab to your house and get my car when I arrive. Let me take one thing off your plate." My tone was light and there was no malice in my intent. Well my phone was off until I arrived at my next layover and I turned it on when we landed and it immediatly started ringing! He didn't take to well to my message and was telling me I was playing games and he didn't have time for this s%^&! I told him that it was not my intent to play games and that I was sorry I made him mad. I also told him that I was hurt by the fact that we weren't going to spend time together and he said I planned to spend time with you tonight, but now I don't want to. I missed my flight because I was focusing on the conversation we were having and had to get on a flight to a different airport. I rang him back and told him I missed it, he asked how and I said it was because we were arguing. Oh so it's my fault he says! No it was mine because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, I said.

So I asked him if he could get me at the other airport and he said yes. But we are not talking about what is going on with us in front of the kids. I would never dream of doing that in front of the kids! So he picked me up and we barely spoke. Finally he said that he has so much on his plate and he's very overwhelmed and I told him maybe he should take a few things off. He said there was nothing that could go, he didn't know what was wrong with him, but he's negative about everything right now. He completely sat on the other side of the car close to the window like he didn't want to be around me.

We got to his house and I got my stuff out of the car while he got the kids in the house. He came back out and said I'm glad you got home safe. I said I want to ask you something and now may not be the right time, but I have to ask, do you think you need to take me off your plate for a while? He said no that I need to calm down, we need to talk but were not getting into it tonight. But he wouldn't look at me when he said it and that bothered me! I said thats fine, but I needed to know that so that I can undersatnd where I stand and so I can be patient with you. I humiliated my self by asking if I could stay at his as I was VERY VERY tired and the weather was bad. He said no! This from the man that is always trying to get me stay over. He said I gotta go I have 2 hours of work ahead of me I will stay on the phone with you while you drive to keep you awake, I said no and asked for a kiss goodbye (humiliation #2). He kissed me but it wasn't a peck and it wasn't like it usually is! There was no affection or I'm so glad your home....anything and that hurts! He asked me to call him when I got home so he knew I got home okay.

I called him when I got home and he was asleep so I just said I'm home, talk to you later. I am sorry this is so long, but I want to give as many details as possible. I am at a loss as to what to do. In the past week he has done a complete 180 on me. I don't want to push, but I am getting nothing which makes me draw my own conclusions. And they aren't good ones. I don't know when I will hear from him or see him and I am completely shattered over how cold he is being. And I feel that there is more going on than just the ex wife situation. He has always been so warm and kind and now he is the complete opposite. What do I do?

My cousin told me I should call him to let him know that I am here if he needs anything, she said not to let the lines of communication fall as it is obvious that he cares or he would have taken the out option last night. I told her that I was going to give it a day or two as I don't know what to say. He called me tonight, just to say Hi he said. He told me about something that happened at work and then said he had to go tend to the kids...so he'd talk to me later. We talked for about 2 minutes! I almost wish he wouldn't have called...is that wrong? I just feel like what was the point in that? I don't know if I should call him tomorrow or the next day and what do I say when I do talk to him? This is so FRUSTRATING! And I know I am beating the heck out of this with anyone that will listen to me. I don't have anyone here that I can pal around with...all of my friends are in other states, so I can't just occupy my time with friends which is what I should do. Does anyone have an idea of how to step back but not step totally back? I have a problem in that I go from one extreme to the next, meaning I will either hound you to death or I drop off the earth and don't call you (wait for you to call me, kinda thing) I don't want to push him away cause I really care for him and it hurts me to see him like this, but I still want him to know that I am here for him for ANYTHING he needs! I just don't get it!Thanks for listening!!



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anonymous user
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:05am
I feel bad for what you are both going through. I am replying to you because I have had friends in the same situation and it ussually came down to the same thing. I hope what I have seen can help you. First off, put yourself in his situation, he just found out that he might loose his kids. That undoubtably hurts, and scares him alot. Second, men seem to have a thing where they are really affraid of involving their ex wives in their current relationships. He may feel that it is not his place to involve you in it, but at the same time it is all consuming. I would definitly say that you should not offer the sacrifice of your relationship if you really care about him. He doesnt need to think that he is going to loose one more thing that he cares about, which he obviously does care about you. Let him know that you can handle the fact that he has been married before, and that if he doesnt want to talk about it, thats ok, but that no matter what you want to be a part of his life. Let him know that means you will be there if things get bad, which they will, he will have to fight for the kids in court, and that gets nasty, which is what popped into my head when he said no to you spending the night. The ex might argue that its not good for the kids to have women spending the night. He really has to watch his every move in this if he is going to fight for custody. I know that you dont want to hear this, but you may need to be put on a back burner for a bit, not lost to him, dont let that happen, but I'm sure you realize that his kids will come first, no matter what. Make sure that he knows that you know that. And most of all make sure that he knows that hes not going to have to fight for you too, that you will just be there for him. I'm sure that you will be rewarded later when you really need him. Talk to him about it and ask him to please tell you if he doesnt want to talk about it instead of avoiding it, or what his reasoning is behind what he tells you. Be prepared for him just being too stressed, or having too much on his mind and accept it. Know that even if he may not want to talk to you about exactly what is going on, just hearing your voice on the phone, or seeing you smile over dinner will make things so much easier on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:59pm
It's always nice to have answers and to understand other people's behavior.... but it doesn't sound like this guy is going to be forthcoming with the info you need nor is he going to be upfront with you about how he feels.

My opinion is that you let it go....meaning stop calling and don't ask for info. He's pushing you away, let him, as there is nothing you can do about it anyway. Anything you do, will only push him away further. He's annonyed and if you call again, ask another question, he will only become more annoyed. I know it's frustrating.

Two months barely scratches the surface of a relationship. And the short chase he gave - being attentive, flowers, energy and time, etc, seems to have ended sooner than it usually does. He put his best foot forward to get to know you, to be involved, now something's changed and it's either that his true colors are coming out or that something happened with his ex and he's not telling you the entire story.

You are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, choices or behavior. I recommend you vent some of your frustration by writing him UNSENT letters. Express everything you want him to know (both the good and the bad) when you are done burn it. Write a few a day if necessary.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:01am
Since you can't get him on the phone long enough, maybe you could write him a letter. Let him know that you are willing to support him emotionally etc. and then tell him how you are feeling. Let him know that you are beginning to feel as if he doesn't want to be with you and if that's the case, he just needs to let you know. So you do not appear to be desperate or clingy, I would also include that you are not going to call him again and that he needs anything, to call you. Remind him that if you haven't heard from him in say, 2 weeks, you will consider the relationship over as you aren't going to wait forever.

Maybe since you have only been dating for 2 months it may be overwhelming for him with the business with his kids going on and all. Maybe he is feeling rushed, maybe he is married, who knows but at least its only been 2 months invested and it will be easy for you to move on if that ends up being the case.


Edited 5/4/2004 1:12 am ET ET by camille92574
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:09pm
Thanks for you post Camille! I did write him an email and told him that I understood that he was going through a rough time and that I would like to support him through it. I also apologized for the way I behaved before he got me from the airport and told him how much him and the kids mean to me. (I didn't get into the mushy stuff, just that they are important to me) That was Monday, I know that he read it cause I got a return reciept from him. But I have yet to hear from him. The last time we spoke was Sat and he told me that he would talk to me later. Well I may be jumping the gun but I think I may have to cut my loses on this one. I don't want to because I really do care about them, but I can't force him to talk and I refuse to humilate myself by calling him. But there has to be one more meeting as I have to get a bunch of my movies that I took over to his one night. How long do you guys think I should wait till I ask for those back? He can drop them in the mail or at my work when I'm not there if he really doesn't want to see me.

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