Please Help!!!
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Please Help!!!
| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:54pm |
I've been married for 11 years. I have a 3 1/2 year old dd and a 4 1/2 month old ds. For the past several years, I've felt that I'm not in love with dh. Our sex life is terriable!!!!! I just don't have enough feelings to want it. I haven't thought about being anyone else so I don't know if the low libido is internal/chemical. I am breastfeeding and I can't take pills or creams. I love my dh I'm just not in love with him. Do you think this is normal??? He does alot of things that piss me off (i.e., wore thongs the other day for first time and he tried to ripe off my pants in the living room with kids around...felt like an animal). That's just one to name a few. I also gave my dh a choice with having child #2...either have one or I leave. I did not want dd to be an only child and I felt that me having another child was my destiny. He decided to have another. However, you guessed it, he resents me and him. The love for his ds is just not there yet. He says its because he has a hard time with infants because they don't do anything and are difficult to read. Ds is not as easy as dd and he constantly compares him to her and how difficult he is. My dh is also a whinner and complainer...I feel like a mother and soother to 3 kids. I know I laid alot out in such a short post...I don't want to go on and on with the boring details. What do you guys think??? I was thinking of going to counseling...do you think we need couples?? I do love him and he is a GREAT father, especially to my dd.
Lisa

Honestly I don't understand having children with someone you don't love.
'I also gave my dh a choice with having child #2...either have one or I leave'
If you are in a situation that you feel requires ultimatums, where one person may not want kids, and where it is easy for you to walk out, then maybe having a child isn't the best decision. Look what your son has to face.
If I were you I would call the counselor asap. Do it for the sake of your children to see if your relationship is salvageable.
Its scary to think that you were more worried about your "destiny", rather than your childrens well being and the fact that you had a child with someone who you dont love. Its reassuring that you thought of yourself throughout all of this, but what about how your children will understand whats going on?Not only do you have one child now, you have two...
I would suggest getting into some type of counseling.After 11 years of marriage (congrats), it t5akes effort to keep romance alive, work on it..dont throw what you have away.
Best wishes,
First, I love my dh...I loved and was in love when we had dd. However, over the past few years I've felt that I was more "out" of love then "in" love. So I posted because I wanted to know if this was something normal after 11 years of marriage (almost 12).
Second, the second baby situation. He was on the fence about another child and would never give me an answer. I had postpartum depression after dd and was on med and seeing a pyschiatirst. We (pysch and I) decided I needed to make a decision about my life. We felt my depression was more about baby#2 then post partum. I was trully relieved when I made the decision that I was going to have #2 (with him or without). I took almost a year to come to that conclusion. After telling dh I wanted #2 and him asking if I was planning on leaving, I told him I wasn't sure...so it really wasn't like an ultimatum.
wow! what a lot of anger and power plays. no wonder you are both angry and no wonder there is not a lot of sex. i agree that you really need to get yourselves in to therapy and work thru this - whether you stay together or not, you are still parents of two young kids.
two thoughts:
1. regarding your libido - you have been pregnant and/or breast feeding for the past 4 plus years. that is a LOT of hormonal changes and upheavals and that could DEFINATELY affect your sex life. not to mention that living with two little kids can be stressful and tiring. all affect your love life. add to that the fact that your husband is angry - and its no wonder.
2. some people (i notice its a lot of men) just don't "take" to infants. i think it has to do with that "helplessness". there reallys is not alot to DO for a baby, except to cuddle, and sing to them, and hug. alot of men prefer to DO things and SOLVE problems. i have alot of friends who husbands (great guys) just prefer to spend time with the kids once they were older and able to take care of themselves more (like around age 6). no this doesn't mean that you should take care of the baby alone till he gets older, but it is something that you should try to understand so you can BOTH figure out a way for BOTH of you to be parents. also - its possible, i am not saying that yOU do this, but a lot of moms tend to think that THEY (and only they) know the "correct" way to hold/hug/cuddle/burp the baby.
But you weren't sure if you were leaving and yet you decided to have a baby. No wonder you are feeling the way you are. It is still a good idea to see a therapist.