PLEASE HELP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2013
PLEASE HELP.
12
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 5:03pm

Hello, My name is Jessica I am new to this site, and feel as though I am in some need of a lot of advice. Steve and I have been dating on and off since last August. In mid October I got pregnant. Scary and excited at the same time that is when we decided to work on a real relationship... neither of us planned on getting pregnant, but again we were not actively avoiding it. (I am 27 years old, and he is 30... he has a 4 year old daughter with a women named Angela, and they have been broken up for 3 years). 

We were really excited and went on Vacation to New Hampshire for the weekend when we found out, have some alone time, and a nice get away while I was still, "attractive" and before we had an infant to take care of. The weekend was amazing, we did not fight at all... 

At my first hospital visit (I had very very light spotting) my phone had died and steve let me borrow one of his. I had signed out of his fb and on to mine, but with technology not being 100% reliable when i went into my messages on fb I was given his. I had found that he was talking to an old friend (someone he claimed to love but nothing had happened), about getting drunk etc... 

I confronted him later that day about it and he admitted that he was joking with her, and that they were close friends... being betrayed, and confused when he was in the shower one day i checked his phone and his fb.... found out that he had been talking dirty and sending naughty pics to dozens of women.... also saying to them that he was only "with" me so that our child would have his last name, and that he was a great actor and i would never find out. Needless to say at that moment i left, crying.. taking one of his phones with me. I was logged on to his facebook when he began talking to one of the women again... saying how i found out etc and she felt bad, he assured her that she was the only one he was talking to like that, so i took that opportunity to send a screen shot of a naughty conversation with another women to her, in that convo. 

he cried all night and called me dozens of times, also... for the first time he told me that he loved me. boy.... was this confusing. I did not answer him and just went to bed, he had said that he had issues with that, and that he doesnt like doing it, that he sees his therapist about it on a regular basis... I knew i was wrong to have gone through his stuff, but I also felt bad about what he was going through, the next morning i went to his apartment and luckily the door was unlocked, i let myself in and cuddled up with him in his bed, he hugged me and would not let me go.

from that moment on we knew it would be hard but we tried, we faught a lot, and never seemed to be getting along for more than a day at a time, although our fights were intense at the time, we would be over them within minutes and end up going out and enjoying ourselves. Steve and I have a ton of fun together, we love doing all the same things, and we always enjoy each others company. it is when distance comes in to play that there is always an issue. 

I have been extremely jealous since that moment, also... he had told me that he was still in love with his ex, but he knew he could never be with her and that he wanted to move on. I tried so hard to believe in him, and to trust him. From what he had told me about his ex she was a horrible mother, she would let her son sit in the crib for hours without being present when he woke up to the point where he chewed on his crib to the point he could no longer use it. the poor kid. she was also arrested for domestic violence when she got into a fight with Steve and bit his neck wide open... with their son in the room.    all of the negative things he told me about her just fueled my dislike... and i knew he could not end up back with her, she made him miserable. she would call 2-3 times a week to have steve watch their son, when it was her day, to the point steve would have him 10-12 days in a row without him ever seeing his mother. it just came off to me like she did not care, and did not want to spend time with her son. When she did have him she would also have her mother babysit most of the time. Steve is basically a single father who has his son 5-6 nights a week. He is an amazing father, and that was one good thing about being pregnant with his son. 

In January we were at our 14 week ultrasound (i had already had 4 u/s because i was high risk) and we found out that our son had acrania. (a nueral tube defect where the skull does not properly form) we were told it was 100% fatal and made the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy. at first I never left steve's side, we just cried and cuddled... grieving is horrible. We name our same Alexander Steven. <3 We got his cremains and decided we would go back up to new hampshire to spread them in our favorite waterfall on his due date. 

the weeks/months that followed were horrible. within a week of my surgery to terminate pregnancy steve had said that alex was the glue that held us together, that we did not belong together, and thathe did not want to be with me. I lost my son, and my family at the same time. I also lost his son, who had become part of my life when I found out I was pregnant. I was also diagnosed with post Pardem depression. I was crazy, I could not control my mood swings, I was never happy, and my life was falling apart, at points I wanted to die so I could be with my son. I blamed myself for his death, It had gotten so bad that i jumped on steve's car as he was pulling away from my house anad dented his roof.... I was a mess. 

about a month later we decided to work on things again, I was happy, and started to calm down, but the next day taht ended when apparently a dream told steve that he could not be with me, It was very difficult, and we started fighting more and more. another month goes by and after spending a week apart (which hadnever happened before) we began hanging out, it was carefree, no fighting, just enjoying each others company. I did not spend the night with him, but it was like we were dating. we began talking about being together, and decided that we would work on things, yet again.... 

that lasted about a month when randomly out of the blue steve said he couldnt do it, that he needed to find himself, that him and i were not meant to be together. we continued to hang out on a daily basis, as if nothing had changed.... but here's the kicker... 

all of a sudden his ex, angela, was coming around more. she got into a car accident and totaled her car so she needed steve to drive her around while she looked for a new car. this is also around the time she split up with her ex. things were getting difficult between steve and I, as we were still sexually active, but now he was ditching me to see her, and drive her around, and one night she never ended up staying at his parents house with him. He was on the phone with me all night and slept in the basement (i only believe this bc he was really upset she was spending the night, and he was on the phone with my all night, he even refused to give her a ride in the morning). we faught pretty bad that night and the next day he came to my house, came inside, layed next to me on the bed, cuddled with me, held my hand and would not let go. the next few days were amazing, he was fighting for me. he promised he would do stuff, and he did it. he really tried. 

but that lasted about 4 days. that following week steve and i were hanging out and discussing how scared he was that angela was back around etc, and that he didnt want to get back with her, but he was afraid bc of how he felt about her. he had told me that she invited him out on fathers day with the family, so steve promised me he would meet me on fathers day to visit our son (we had spread a small amoutn of his ashes in the river near our homes)... he had said he only had a half hour after the movie bc thats all his parents would watch his son. well turns out he lied to me, he never even talked to his parents, he made plans with angela for after the movie and met her back at his parents. 

that night, angela slept over. the next day i met up with steve to give him his stuff back and to say goodbye, he swore up and down nothing happened between angela, swearing on our son and his son that never happened. so i believed him, we went to donate blood which we had talked about, and went to get lunch at a new place near where we live. we went by the river after to visit with our son and then back to his apartment, one thing led to another we ended up having sex that night, i slept over and we had sex again in the morning. 

we took a shower after sex and i was cooking in a see through very light shirt, when i got lightheaded, i decided to lay on the couch, and within minutes someone was knocking at the door, steve looked out the window and it was angela. he went in the hallway to talk with her. she screamed "what is she doing spending the night, you slept with me the other night and now she is spending the night" i lost it... i didnt know what to do, he had slept with her, and told her he wanted to be in a relationship with her, and then slept with me, twice, the NEXT day.... i took his keys locked his doors and went out the other door. eventually we ended up talking, and he was going to work on things with her, but he wanted us to get along. 

i want to see him happy and i knew he would never be happy if he always wondered "what if" when angela came back. so I put on a brave face and tried to say goodbye. that week I saw him 3 days in a row, he found out the following night that angela has tumors that may be ovarian cancer, nad the first thing he did was come to me, for support, I felt amazing... i know he loves me. he just doesnt know how. so i went over and took him out for froyo and chatted a while. then i went home, the next day we had plans to babysit my nephew so we went over there and cooked pancakes, after i dropped off my nephew i went back to his place, we just talked a lot... he wasnt sure he wanted to be with angela, but thats what he saw himself doing. 

the following day we decided to say goodbye, he needed me to help him find his keys that had gone missing so i went over. we ended up cuddling all day, and just talking, saying how much he loved each other, and how much we would miss each other. he even stood up for me to his mom who was on his ass about "hurting angela" when i had no idea what had happened, i felt awful (go figure. i have a heart). he kept telling me he wasnt going to be with angela now, that he needed time alone, and that everything that was happening happens for a reason, he loved me... i joked with him about taking a shower bc he stunk so he stripped in front of me, i was covering my eyes, trying to be a better person, until he came over and placed his penis in my hand, i immediately pushed him away and he got in the shower. 20 minutes go by and im wondering where he is, so i peak my head in the bathroom, and hes texting away.... i ask him what is going on and he says he is asking angela how she is.... i say goodbye and that ill see him the next day and go to get my shoes on, he jumped out of the tub and chases me into the other room, i can tell he is upset, his eyes are bloodshot... so i ask him for the truth, and i take his phone to read his conversation he says "i love you, what i did was not fair to you, you know all ive ever wanted to work on things with you." i was not only absolutely disgusted, but i felt bad for angela. immediately decided that she should know what she was getting herself in to so i went to text her. he grabbed my phone from me and as i went to get it back he took all of his force and threw me into a table at the end of his bed... i fell down crying and he said sorry, and tried to help, but i wanted the phone still and he was so defensive. luckily i had 2 phones and i went to the other one and called the police. 

he was arrested and given a no contact order that night. aftertalking with the domestic violence advocate i was told that the no contact oder is only good in the state we live in, if we went outside the state we would be able to talk. we met up the following night in a parking lot outside of the state, he hugged and kissed me and cried for hours. he said he could not be with angela, he mistook his love for her with his love for his son, he told me he loved me and was going to miss me sooo much. i felt like a girl on a first date. 

the following morning he was leaving for a business trip to california. it was hard to know not only was he leaving but i could no see or talk to him. not until he got back. we had plans to go to new hampshire on July 6th for our sons due date and now i am not sure we can go, in fact i know no one will watch his son now. :( 

we figured out a way to communicate and he broke down saying how much he loved me how he could never be with angela how he wants a family with me, how he will fight for me, do whatever it took. 

part of me wants to believe him, because i truly do love him, part of me things he is acting this way so that my testimony in court will give him a smaller sentence, and another part of me things even if he means every word, havent we been through enough? I will constantly question every move he makes.... what should i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 3:41pm
These videos records near death experience of people that have visited Heaven and Hell and came back and tell the story. The important thing to note is they all had very same description about Heaven and / or Hell. Please see them all.
 Another interesting website that has lot of videos about Heaven and Hell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-06-2013 - 2:01pm

I guess you thought I was one of the rude ones, and I'm sorry.  But you have to face reality, and the truth is the best way to do that.  You say you love him, but really you love the idea of someone loving you, and having a family with him.  You love what you wish he was, not what he is.  You love his smile and the way he laughs?  He's smiling and laughing for other women, too!  He's also making babies with other women......HE has a problem, don't let it infect you!!

Ending a relationship is like tearing off adhesive tape.  You can do it fast, and it will hurt a lot for a moment or two, but then it's done.  Or you can do it slow, and the pain will go on and on and on before it's finally off.  You end a relationship by telling him that you really don't want to be in a relationship with him, or anyone else at this time in your life.  You need to work on your education now, and you don't need or want distractions.  And then you walk away.  You don't want to be "friends".......you don't want any contact at all!  If he calls or texts you, ignore him.  If he continues, then you have to block him or change your number.  It will be hard for a few days or weeks, then it will be over, and you can move on with your life.  It happens to all of us, and we get thru it just fine, if we really want to......and you DO want to get this man out of your life.  Be strong!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Wed, 07-03-2013 - 11:14pm
Hello! You will never have any peace with this guy, he is very immature and selfish. Sounds like he enjoys playing two women against one another. Allow yourself to be single for a while, hang out with family and friends, heal. I also recommend a counselor to help you do a bit of soul searching about how to avoid getting into an unhealthy relationship. 'you deserve to be happy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 1:56pm

Honestly?  This guy sounds like a sociopath, and there is no way of changing a sociopath's behaviour.  Get out while you can.

One definition of a sociopath:

A master deceiver. They are perceived as a nice guy with charm and perhaps charisma but when the layers of the truth are peeled back they are evil, opportunitstic and lack character. A sociopath may look like this:

They are opportunistic and use their keen ability to read people to take advantage of a person’s weakness. They have an error in judgement and have no regard for rules. Their extreme egocentricism makes them do whatever they must to get what they want without regard for other people. They are manipulative. Their character flaw seldom makes them feel guilt or learning from punishments. They always justify their actions. They lack personal responsibility and blame others for their shortcomings, labeling themselves the “victim.” Many sociopaths are also pathalogical liars and can have a tendancy to commit acts of violence.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2013
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 9:33am
You have to get out of this relationship for your own sanity! You will never trust him, or believe him again. You know this deep down. Do it for yourself, not for him, or his son, or Angela. For you. You deserve better. You deserve not to be manipulated, used, or lied to. You deserve to be happy, and at peace. No contact!! It will hurt, but that hurt will pass, and you will feel good about your choice in the future, when you can look back and see what you learned. I promise. Save yourself, you cannot save him or anyone else involved in this story.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 12:02am

 look i will enlighten you.  This guy is confused. as are you.  He is caught between what/who he thinks he is supposed to do and be and who he is.  He has not figured it all out.  He may in time.

  He needs a clean break.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2013
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 9:33pm

Thank you for all the advice. although most of it was just rude and i would rather have not be subjected to that. I am only human you know. I want to say goodbye, I have been saying this for months, but im sure most of you realize that it is very difficult to say goodbye. I cannot change how i feel about him, I cannot change his smile, or the way he laughs. I cant change how i love every hair on his head. and his son is unbelievable. and he is an amazing father, no i am not standing up for all the horrible things he has done, but i have done horrible things as well. He wants to see a counselor with me, but I am afraid, like some of you had said he is using me to get what he wants... he keeps telling me to have faith in him, and that we are going to be okay, and to trust him, but deep down i know i cant. he comes home from california tomorrow, and then i start school on monday, finally going back after 5 yrs! I think it may be easier to move on once my time is occupied by school, and homework. I am going to school through a VA program, and I am not allowed to work while i attend school, of they cut off my aid, i know... odd. 

anyhow i do thank you all for the advice. I do not see steve and I together, but I am afraid i don't know how to say goodbye. and if you are going to have another rude comment, don't bother, i came here for advice not to be made fun of. Also I have been tested multiple times for STD's, and so has Steve. We are both clean. I did not know he had been with angela or i definitely would have used protection. 

It is a day to day struggle, and i am here looking for advice on how to move on, not people to tell me in immature or an idiot, trust me, i tell myself that enough. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 3:37pm

Okay, so you've received some relatively direct responses and I hope you aren't scared off.  Some of the folks around here have just been around for a while and can see this situation for exactly what it is and aren't beating around the bush with the advice.  While there's nothing wrong with that, not everyone is able to handle that way as well as others.

What we can see that you are far too close to see is how toxic this relationship is and how manipulative he is. If you have a moment, go back and re-read your post and imagine it is someone else posting it.  Looking at it from a different perspective, you can see how childish this behavior is - both of you.  He is stringing not only you along, but Angela as well and their son will suffer the most from his manipulations.  He will grow up with a bad role model on how a normal, balanced relationship should be.

I hope you can see now that he is not honest with anyone, including himself.  He is in no way ready to be in any kind of a relationship.  He needs to grow up.  This back and forth between you two is dizzying.  He tells you what you want to hear to get what he wants from you.  He acts the way he does because you both have allowed him to behave this way without any serious consequences.  The protective order is the first actual consequence he's had to deal with and look at how he handled it - he came running back to you after telling you he didn't want to be with you and that he was going to work on things with Angela.  And you let him.  You met him and showed him that you weren't serious about the protection order.  You let him get away with his behavior and honestly, if he's not getting in trouble for his behavior, why would he change it?

He is immature and you both (you and Angela) can do better, like others have said.  Remove yourself from this situation and focus on you.  Try to figure out why you are allowing this man to treat you this way.  You are 27 years old, not a teenager.  You deserve an adult relationship because believe me, adult relationships look nothing like what you guys have.  I know that saying good-bye to him will be tough. You've been in this cycle with him for a while and I think you feel like you have to continue enduring his behavior because of the child you conceived with him.  I can't honestly imagine losing a child the way you did - and I know that making the decision to terminate the pregnancy will be one of the toughest decisions you will likely ever have to face.  But you did it and it was in the best interest of the child.  You did what you could with the cards life dealt you.  You were brave for your son and now you need to be brave for yourself.  You are worth a man that treats you with respect, kindness, honesty and generosity.  You are and the sooner you believe it, the easier it will be to let Steve go.

Change is hard.  Nobody likes to do it because it takes work, constant work.  But for your future children's sake, find your voice.  You were dealt with a bad situation and you made it through it!  On your due date, do what you need to do to continue to mourn your loss.  I think the grief you feel from the loss of your son is still very raw and I believe you need to continue to allow yourself to heal.  Forgive yourself for any guilt you feel and begin to find your new path in life.

I feel for you - I really do.  I believe that Steve is not the right one for you and I do believe the right one is out there.  In order to be ready for the right one, you need to learn to love yourself first and believe that you deserve so much more than Steve could ever dream of giving you.  You can do it - you just have to believe that you can.

Good luck!

~aprilmagic




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 12:48am

I didn't read every word of this post, because I read enough in the first paragraph.  I cannot believe that when you know a man for two months you're having unprotected sex with him.  Haven't you heard of std's as well as pregnancy?  Evidently he doesn't mind making women pregnant.....look at the 4 year old, but he's still messing with that mother, isn't he?  He then stayed with you because you were pregnant.  How noble of him.  He might have been WITH you but he was playing around with other women, including Angela, and you were jealous.  And now we have another child out of wedlock. (he doesn't learn, does he?) and he can tell you what a terrible mother she is, but does he take custody of the abused child......no, he makes another one with you.  This is a sick man, and he preys on women who are vulnerable gets them pregnant, then moves on to another woman.  I'm sorry you lost your baby, but these things happen occasionally, and maybe it wasn't meant to be.  He wouldn't have been a good father, he would have left you and found someone else to make a baby with.  Now it's time for you to move on with your life, and please start by getting checked for every STD possible......if they didn't do it in connection with your surgery.  With the amount of women he's slept with, and without protection, it's a miracle he hasn't given you anything.  You don't trust him (and you shouldn't!), and he got arrested for being physical with you, yet you violated the no contact order?  You need a good dose of self respect.  This man is worthless, violent, and a sociopath.  What testimony can you possibly give......that it was YOUR fault?  Let him rot in jail, and start making a life for yourself.......respect yourself, and don't allow anyone who doesn't respect you into your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 9:51pm

I wrote out this whole long response and it disappeared but the bottom line was--break up with him, avoid the drama and never stay with a man who abuses you.  He probably did only want to stay with you cause you got pregnant.  And are you really so irresponsible at 27 that you don't use birth control when you're not ready to have a baby?

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