PLEASE HELP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2013
PLEASE HELP.
12
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 5:03pm

Hello, My name is Jessica I am new to this site, and feel as though I am in some need of a lot of advice. Steve and I have been dating on and off since last August. In mid October I got pregnant. Scary and excited at the same time that is when we decided to work on a real relationship... neither of us planned on getting pregnant, but again we were not actively avoiding it. (I am 27 years old, and he is 30... he has a 4 year old daughter with a women named Angela, and they have been broken up for 3 years). 

We were really excited and went on Vacation to New Hampshire for the weekend when we found out, have some alone time, and a nice get away while I was still, "attractive" and before we had an infant to take care of. The weekend was amazing, we did not fight at all... 

At my first hospital visit (I had very very light spotting) my phone had died and steve let me borrow one of his. I had signed out of his fb and on to mine, but with technology not being 100% reliable when i went into my messages on fb I was given his. I had found that he was talking to an old friend (someone he claimed to love but nothing had happened), about getting drunk etc... 

I confronted him later that day about it and he admitted that he was joking with her, and that they were close friends... being betrayed, and confused when he was in the shower one day i checked his phone and his fb.... found out that he had been talking dirty and sending naughty pics to dozens of women.... also saying to them that he was only "with" me so that our child would have his last name, and that he was a great actor and i would never find out. Needless to say at that moment i left, crying.. taking one of his phones with me. I was logged on to his facebook when he began talking to one of the women again... saying how i found out etc and she felt bad, he assured her that she was the only one he was talking to like that, so i took that opportunity to send a screen shot of a naughty conversation with another women to her, in that convo. 

he cried all night and called me dozens of times, also... for the first time he told me that he loved me. boy.... was this confusing. I did not answer him and just went to bed, he had said that he had issues with that, and that he doesnt like doing it, that he sees his therapist about it on a regular basis... I knew i was wrong to have gone through his stuff, but I also felt bad about what he was going through, the next morning i went to his apartment and luckily the door was unlocked, i let myself in and cuddled up with him in his bed, he hugged me and would not let me go.

from that moment on we knew it would be hard but we tried, we faught a lot, and never seemed to be getting along for more than a day at a time, although our fights were intense at the time, we would be over them within minutes and end up going out and enjoying ourselves. Steve and I have a ton of fun together, we love doing all the same things, and we always enjoy each others company. it is when distance comes in to play that there is always an issue. 

I have been extremely jealous since that moment, also... he had told me that he was still in love with his ex, but he knew he could never be with her and that he wanted to move on. I tried so hard to believe in him, and to trust him. From what he had told me about his ex she was a horrible mother, she would let her son sit in the crib for hours without being present when he woke up to the point where he chewed on his crib to the point he could no longer use it. the poor kid. she was also arrested for domestic violence when she got into a fight with Steve and bit his neck wide open... with their son in the room.    all of the negative things he told me about her just fueled my dislike... and i knew he could not end up back with her, she made him miserable. she would call 2-3 times a week to have steve watch their son, when it was her day, to the point steve would have him 10-12 days in a row without him ever seeing his mother. it just came off to me like she did not care, and did not want to spend time with her son. When she did have him she would also have her mother babysit most of the time. Steve is basically a single father who has his son 5-6 nights a week. He is an amazing father, and that was one good thing about being pregnant with his son. 

In January we were at our 14 week ultrasound (i had already had 4 u/s because i was high risk) and we found out that our son had acrania. (a nueral tube defect where the skull does not properly form) we were told it was 100% fatal and made the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy. at first I never left steve's side, we just cried and cuddled... grieving is horrible. We name our same Alexander Steven. <3 We got his cremains and decided we would go back up to new hampshire to spread them in our favorite waterfall on his due date. 

the weeks/months that followed were horrible. within a week of my surgery to terminate pregnancy steve had said that alex was the glue that held us together, that we did not belong together, and thathe did not want to be with me. I lost my son, and my family at the same time. I also lost his son, who had become part of my life when I found out I was pregnant. I was also diagnosed with post Pardem depression. I was crazy, I could not control my mood swings, I was never happy, and my life was falling apart, at points I wanted to die so I could be with my son. I blamed myself for his death, It had gotten so bad that i jumped on steve's car as he was pulling away from my house anad dented his roof.... I was a mess. 

about a month later we decided to work on things again, I was happy, and started to calm down, but the next day taht ended when apparently a dream told steve that he could not be with me, It was very difficult, and we started fighting more and more. another month goes by and after spending a week apart (which hadnever happened before) we began hanging out, it was carefree, no fighting, just enjoying each others company. I did not spend the night with him, but it was like we were dating. we began talking about being together, and decided that we would work on things, yet again.... 

that lasted about a month when randomly out of the blue steve said he couldnt do it, that he needed to find himself, that him and i were not meant to be together. we continued to hang out on a daily basis, as if nothing had changed.... but here's the kicker... 

all of a sudden his ex, angela, was coming around more. she got into a car accident and totaled her car so she needed steve to drive her around while she looked for a new car. this is also around the time she split up with her ex. things were getting difficult between steve and I, as we were still sexually active, but now he was ditching me to see her, and drive her around, and one night she never ended up staying at his parents house with him. He was on the phone with me all night and slept in the basement (i only believe this bc he was really upset she was spending the night, and he was on the phone with my all night, he even refused to give her a ride in the morning). we faught pretty bad that night and the next day he came to my house, came inside, layed next to me on the bed, cuddled with me, held my hand and would not let go. the next few days were amazing, he was fighting for me. he promised he would do stuff, and he did it. he really tried. 

but that lasted about 4 days. that following week steve and i were hanging out and discussing how scared he was that angela was back around etc, and that he didnt want to get back with her, but he was afraid bc of how he felt about her. he had told me that she invited him out on fathers day with the family, so steve promised me he would meet me on fathers day to visit our son (we had spread a small amoutn of his ashes in the river near our homes)... he had said he only had a half hour after the movie bc thats all his parents would watch his son. well turns out he lied to me, he never even talked to his parents, he made plans with angela for after the movie and met her back at his parents. 

that night, angela slept over. the next day i met up with steve to give him his stuff back and to say goodbye, he swore up and down nothing happened between angela, swearing on our son and his son that never happened. so i believed him, we went to donate blood which we had talked about, and went to get lunch at a new place near where we live. we went by the river after to visit with our son and then back to his apartment, one thing led to another we ended up having sex that night, i slept over and we had sex again in the morning. 

we took a shower after sex and i was cooking in a see through very light shirt, when i got lightheaded, i decided to lay on the couch, and within minutes someone was knocking at the door, steve looked out the window and it was angela. he went in the hallway to talk with her. she screamed "what is she doing spending the night, you slept with me the other night and now she is spending the night" i lost it... i didnt know what to do, he had slept with her, and told her he wanted to be in a relationship with her, and then slept with me, twice, the NEXT day.... i took his keys locked his doors and went out the other door. eventually we ended up talking, and he was going to work on things with her, but he wanted us to get along. 

i want to see him happy and i knew he would never be happy if he always wondered "what if" when angela came back. so I put on a brave face and tried to say goodbye. that week I saw him 3 days in a row, he found out the following night that angela has tumors that may be ovarian cancer, nad the first thing he did was come to me, for support, I felt amazing... i know he loves me. he just doesnt know how. so i went over and took him out for froyo and chatted a while. then i went home, the next day we had plans to babysit my nephew so we went over there and cooked pancakes, after i dropped off my nephew i went back to his place, we just talked a lot... he wasnt sure he wanted to be with angela, but thats what he saw himself doing. 

the following day we decided to say goodbye, he needed me to help him find his keys that had gone missing so i went over. we ended up cuddling all day, and just talking, saying how much he loved each other, and how much we would miss each other. he even stood up for me to his mom who was on his ass about "hurting angela" when i had no idea what had happened, i felt awful (go figure. i have a heart). he kept telling me he wasnt going to be with angela now, that he needed time alone, and that everything that was happening happens for a reason, he loved me... i joked with him about taking a shower bc he stunk so he stripped in front of me, i was covering my eyes, trying to be a better person, until he came over and placed his penis in my hand, i immediately pushed him away and he got in the shower. 20 minutes go by and im wondering where he is, so i peak my head in the bathroom, and hes texting away.... i ask him what is going on and he says he is asking angela how she is.... i say goodbye and that ill see him the next day and go to get my shoes on, he jumped out of the tub and chases me into the other room, i can tell he is upset, his eyes are bloodshot... so i ask him for the truth, and i take his phone to read his conversation he says "i love you, what i did was not fair to you, you know all ive ever wanted to work on things with you." i was not only absolutely disgusted, but i felt bad for angela. immediately decided that she should know what she was getting herself in to so i went to text her. he grabbed my phone from me and as i went to get it back he took all of his force and threw me into a table at the end of his bed... i fell down crying and he said sorry, and tried to help, but i wanted the phone still and he was so defensive. luckily i had 2 phones and i went to the other one and called the police. 

he was arrested and given a no contact order that night. aftertalking with the domestic violence advocate i was told that the no contact oder is only good in the state we live in, if we went outside the state we would be able to talk. we met up the following night in a parking lot outside of the state, he hugged and kissed me and cried for hours. he said he could not be with angela, he mistook his love for her with his love for his son, he told me he loved me and was going to miss me sooo much. i felt like a girl on a first date. 

the following morning he was leaving for a business trip to california. it was hard to know not only was he leaving but i could no see or talk to him. not until he got back. we had plans to go to new hampshire on July 6th for our sons due date and now i am not sure we can go, in fact i know no one will watch his son now. :( 

we figured out a way to communicate and he broke down saying how much he loved me how he could never be with angela how he wants a family with me, how he will fight for me, do whatever it took. 

part of me wants to believe him, because i truly do love him, part of me things he is acting this way so that my testimony in court will give him a smaller sentence, and another part of me things even if he means every word, havent we been through enough? I will constantly question every move he makes.... what should i do?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 9:49pm

First of all, sorry that you lost your baby--that must have been a very traumatic experience for you.  As far as Steve, why are you putting yourself through all this drama?  I can't really believe that you are 27 & he is 30--you are acting more like immature teenagers.  (I have a 24 yr old DD and I am comparing your behavior with hers.)  If I read this right,  you had just started dating him for 2 months when you got pregnant because you weren't even sensible enough to use birth control with a guy that you didn't even know that well.  I do believe he stayed with you then because you got pregnant--here he was texting all these other women behind your back so he wasn't exactly faithful.

Then you have the drama w/ his ex--she's in, then she's out, he loves her, no he loves you--he's lying to both of you and he's violent on top of it.  I certainly feel bad for his little boy to be in the middle of this, but why should you put up with this kind of drama?  is he really the last man on earth?  Break up with him and don't look back--I'm 100% sure you could do better.  First of all, it's not too hard to find a guy in his late 20's who doesn't have kids already and if someone commits a violent act against you, you should never give him another chance.  Plus you can't trust him--you'll always be sneaking around wanting to look at his phone to see who he is texting.  Stop the madness now.

Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 8:44pm

You don't really love him, and he certainly does not love you. I think he was probably the most honest when he told you that your son was the only thing holding you two together.

If you aren't in a committed relationship with someone, and you certainly were not in this case, you really need to use protection against STDs and pregnancy. You're being a fool by allowing yourself to have sex with someone who is sleeping with other women or even slightly suggesting that he might want to do that.

You're allowing yourself to be used.

Where are your parents? Do you live with them? Could you move in with them or someone else that you know has your best interests at heart? This guy isn't looking out for you, Angela, his unfortunate son, or anyone other than himself. He's disgusting, and you know that his actions have shown you how disgusting he is.

Please, for the sake of yourself, Angela, and the little boy who unfortunately has this scumbag for a biodad, leave this guy alone. He needs to grow up, and honestly, you need to grow up, too.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


-------------------------------------------------
http://www.

Pages