please help again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
please help again
8
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:27am
I wrote on monday about being frustrated with my husband. My issue with him was that when I call him during the day he doesn't acknowledge my calls and I have to leave a message for him to call me back. First it's on his cell phone, two I don't call alot let alone everyday and three I am at home with our 5 month old baby. On Sunday I got upset with him because when his ex-wife called he had no problem answering it and I explained how upset I was because she gets more consideration than I do as his wife. I recieved a response from this site that I thought he would be receptive to but what he did instead is to tell his ex-wife not to call so much because I don't like it and we fight about it. At this point I am actually livid and ready to end it. All I tried to do was make a point and thought maybe a third party perspective would help. Instead he decided to go on the internet to another web site and printed off an article that says when someone is jealous they should end the relationship because love was never involved. Not only did he actually betray me but he still doesn't understand that all I wanted was to feel important to him and I just wonder why is that so important to me? Do I have the right as a wife to feel important?

To add insult to injury, we have been married for only 9 mos. His ex-wife and his parents go to the same church and they talk every Sunday after mass. I'm sure this will be a topic of conversation or at least I'm afraid of it anyway. He also doesn't say anything on my behalf that at his parents house they still have his wedding pictures with his ex-wife hanging up on their wall with other pictures of her throughout their house. He won't stand up for me and say something to them about that. And they don't have our wedding picture because I don't work and he just got his first paycheck a couple of weeks ago after not working for 17 months so we couldn't just go out and pay for them. I am hurting so bad and I don't know what to do. Right now I am not speaking to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:34pm
This is relatively ridiculous.

You've ben married 9 months, you have a 5 month old baby. So you got married while pregnant - you likely dated him while he was still married.....you've married into a practicing catholic family (catholics don't believe in remarriage until the original marriage is annulled by the church - they don't care about civil divorce).

What could the problem be? First, the problem could be that he was not yet past dealing with the issues in his previous marriage...and so he wasn't nearly ready to have another marriage of equality and mutual benefit based on mutual respect and admiration......he was ready to have fun, sex, companionship -and ended up getting you pregnant and now he's "technically done the right thing" - he's married you.

But, his parents don't accept or at least acknowledge the marriage overmuch.....they acknowlege his first marriage to his first wife -likely that marriage took place in the catholic church,she's a good catholic girl.....and they stillhave contact with her at mass, as does he. Do they have children? Because if they do - these two and the grandparents are going to be in constant communication and contact for a lifetime due to bonded relationships with the children/grandchildren. Accept that.

Jealousy is an emotion of the immature and insecure. It's "you're the best source of security, salvation, success, identity, and happiness that I can find, I can't afford to lose you because I'm nothing without you."

Jealousy is not inspired by love, respect, admiration or acceptance of them as a person - with you being a complete person in your own right and responsible for your own destiny by your own efforts in your own perception.

So basically, from the sound of it - he married you because it was the right thing to do under the circumstances (pregnancy) but he didn't marry you because he loves, admires, respects and cherishes you as an individual....nor did you marry him because you love, admire, respect, accept and cherish him as an individual vs. what he brings to your life and can provide you with based on your situation.

You can't stop him talking to his ex....and again, if they have children he's going to take her calls at all times. You can't make his parents accept you....you should have been alerted by the fact that he does not to them make you an entity that he prioritizes that he doesn't consider this marriage or you to be of value in his life based on acceptance of it as a whole vs. benefit of it in some situations.

You can't change any of this....the question is...what are you going to do about it?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:05pm
So basically instead of seeing anything wrong with the way he behaves and/or treats you, he decided to deflect your concern and put it off your feelings on to his ex-wife....

You've got problems, but you already know that. He's blaming it on jealousy when it's really about respect.

Have you considered counseling? I don't know what else to suggest.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:43pm
Just wanted to say thanks to you and doubleblade for your responses. To doubleblade for being brutally honest and to you for understanding. He just sent me an email that he is going to a counselor on Tuesday by himself and he would like me to write a letter explaining my side and put it in a sealed envelope for him to take. I'm not sure if I should bother as much as I would like to express my feelings. I don't see anything changing. I have expressed myself to him numerous times about wanting respect as his wife and about going to his parents and seeing those pictures to no avail. I have other children of my own and respect his relationship with her as far as that goes. My kids have fathers too but we have a schedule that we stick to. Not that rigidilly to the extent that we don't make changes but we don't call to check up on each other when the other has the kids. Like on Sunday her call to him was to make sure that he was bringing his daughter home. That to me was completely unnecessay. If something would have come up where he was going to be late or something he would have called her.

I didn't want to end my marriage but it may be past that now because honestly there really hasn't been a true marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 2:38pm
Something to consider is that feelings are not facts, goals, calls to action or used to determine what to do in situations to get a specific result.

Feelings are a result of situations. Situations are changed with actions and words - sometimes by you and osmetimes by others. Feelings change as situations change.

If you married him because of how he made you feel about yourself early in the relationship - that was infatuation. That's all infatuation is "Your attention and desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of you". Committment during that period usually leads to great disappointment disillusion and heartache....because what you were so all about is how this person made you feel about yourself...in an unobjective and non-discerning review of their actions.

People are always doing waht they want to do. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle every word, action, decision, ideas, desire, decision, and feeling they have or take or pursue. Those same values in all situations determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard.

So, there usually is a pattern - if you don't review situations individually based on your feelings that the situations inspired.

If he's never "made you feel respected" - then what might be worth trying is honest communication to him with specific examples that pervade in all situations of "what respect looks and sounds like to you" in the form of his actions and words. That way he'll be able to know what actions and words you consider "respectful"...and he'll be able to tell you without situational review and ethics whether he's willing to engage in that behavior or not.

Neither of you will ever be able to control his ex or your ex, or parents, etc. nor one another, really.

His ex called to see if he'd be late....that was her perogative, based on her experiences and needs - and his taking the call wasn't inappropriate. In fact, that might indicate that in fact when you cal l he's not "not taking your calls" - he's unavailable at the time that you call and he's returning your call as soon as he can.

It sounds as if you have real problems....I mean, why did you marry to begin with since it seems you know one another so little in terms of fundamental values, priorities, standards and principles.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 2:41pm
You may think it was unnecessary for his ex to call and doublecheck the dropoff of his daughterm but did you ever consider that maybe she's calling b/c she knows him to be just as unreliable and inconsiderate as you are finding out he is. The same behavior you are posting and complaining about is probably the reason behind some if not all of her calls.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 3:29pm
I can understand that to some degree but at the same time doesn't it sound like she is trying to control him and his actions? My ex has been late before and I learned that like why he is my ex I can't control what he does so I allow him to be late once in awhile. After all he his her dad and just as entitled to be with her as I am. I'm not talking about hours or days but he shouldn't have to break his next to be at my door at 8:00pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 3:49pm
I agree with what you said which is why I don't want to make a decision while I am still so upset. I also agree with the part about him "making me feel good about myself in the beginning " ie: with words of love and compliments on my looks. I guess he never respected me enough to compliment me on my character, integrity, and honor. We used to talk about having a relationship that was mutually respectful. He has confided things with me that I have never betrayed, I was just not afforded the same consideration. When we first got together, he told me that having a family was very important to him. According to him, his first marriage primarily failed due to a lack of initimacy. Of course I solved that for him didn't I. He also said that he learned that that was due to his lack of attention to the marriage. He worked alot and that came first. Those were his words and I believed him and them. Whats happened now is he knows the words but he can't or won't back them up. I based his character and integrity on what he said not what he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 4:11pm
Well, values, standards and priorities justify and entitle actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. They also determine character, conscience, intgrity and honorin every situation and venue.

So basically, until you've been around osmeone in a myriad of situations and circumstances, events and locations with you - so that you can see waht they do - and determine if you'd do the same in those situations based on your values and priorities and standards - it's a dangerous assumption to believe that they admire and respect you as an individual based on your values, character, and standards just ecause they're whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Lots of people claim to know what thier mistakes were in previous situations and relationships. We lacked intimacy (I take it you mean sex) and I worked too much...it also seems he talked too much to others, disrespected her confidences iwth betrayal - which had her declining intimacy and him seeking it elsewhere.

Meaning, his values said he was entitled to intimacy wherever he could get it - despite whatever vows he took and whoever he was impacting with is actions.

Lots of people claim to want a family...there is the assumption that we all want the Norman Rockwell commemorative family that is depicted in paintings. Quite often what people mean is I miss the "benefits, convenience, support, and assurance of backup" of having a family - while what they do not ever mean is that htey're willling to give, sacrifice, tolerate, and compromise in order to "keep that familial unit intact with trust and harmony and communication in play at all times."

It sounds as if you married him on a whim...you assumed he meant he loved you -when he meant he loved the options and benefits that being wtih you allowed. And it seems that you now share a child - that sholud you divorce, you too will probably be calling his next wife about whether he'll be late or not - due to unpredictability in his parenting dedications - being that he never prioritized or valued your time, and he certainly won't post marriage.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com