please help- this is bad!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
please help- this is bad!!
7
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 1:16am
I don't even know where to begin. I am a successful woman in my early 40's in a relationship with a wonderful, successful man of the same age. We are both divorced, each with two children. We live an hour apart and are waiting a few more years until the children are in college to marry. In the meantime we spend about 4 nights a week together and have had a wonderful life for the past two years. My boyfriend has been divorced for a good three years, with a fairly long separation beforehand. I did not know him or his ex wife during that time. His ex wife was the one who wanted the divorce, and during the past two years I have heard many stories of her infidelities and questionable activities. Recently, I have become pretty close with my boyfriend's sister in law (his brother's wife). She is having marital problems with her husband and has confided some serious incidents to me. One of which is the fact that her husband has confessed to having an affair with his brother's (my boyfriend's) ex-wife during the time that they were married. I have carried this information with me for some time and it has been very hard to accept how kind, generous and sweet my boyfriend is to his ex. He goes above and beyond for every holiday and birthday. He acts as both mother and father to his children, because she goes on vacation after vacation, and she takes advantage of his kind nature again and again. Recently my boyfriend was being critical of his sister in law, stating that she was acting like his ex. I came to her defense saying that his sister in law was nothing like his ex, because his ex had had affairs when they were going through their divorce. I was very angry and did not mean to spurt out what I thought was very obvious. Since that moment, my boyfriend has been on a mission to figure out the truth. I had to apologize for saying something that I had no real proof of, but he knows the kind of person that I am and that I would never make up something of that nature. In the meantime, I am left covering up for my boyfriends ex-wife and his brother, who had the affair. The one person who my boyfriend is trying to get advice from is his brother, and he has done nothing, but throw me under the bus in order to protect himself. He has called the ex-wife to prepare her, and she has called my boyfriend to "WARN" him about me and to bad mouth me. I do not want my boyfriend to find out that his brother and ex-wife had an affair during the marriage, so I am willing to take the fall to protect the person I love. The funky part is that the two people who are at fault, have begun to portray me as being jealous and mean. Again, I do not want my boyfriend to be hurt, but I do not think it is fair that I should be portrayed as the bad guy. My other concern is to what is the right thing to do. Does my boyfriend deserve to know the truth no matter how much it will hurt him?? Am I doing the right thing to try to protect him by covering up for his brother and ex??? Will he be angry with me for not revealing all that I know??? I am sick over this whole thing. It goes against everything that I am to not be honest with the person I love most in the world!!! I do not know what to do... I really need some good advise. Please HELP!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 2:46am

You might as well expose all the way, because all you are doing now is letting the two guilty parties get their stories straight and try to put you in a bad light.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 9:07am

I hear what you are saying, but the bottom line is that I do not want my boyfriend to be devastated by this information. It would literally tear his family apart. He has a sister who was told about the incident 4 or 5 years ago during the divorce, and she has been silent about it. She is begging me to not say a word. I just want to do what is right and kindest for my boyfriend. Right now, all the guilty parties are angry at me. His brother thinks that I went fishing for information, when honestly it was told to me in a moment of anger by his wife. They are on the verge of divorce, and she exposed him because the information has been eating at her for years!!! I never asked to be privy to any of this and wish that I was in the dark.

I want this to go away... but I do want to do the right thing. I am a horrible liar. I am honest to a fault and wear my heart on my sleeve, so it is extremely hard when my lover and best friend asks me what I know, and I have to look him in the eye and say.... "I was wrong to say that that your ex was a cheat... anything I have heard must have been a horrible rumor, and I was wrong to have listened to it." My choices are to cover up for his lying cheating ex and brother, or break his heart and tear his family apart. What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 9:59am

"Tell the truth and shame the devil."

Your boyfriend, the man you want to marry, is an adult. He has asked you for information he knows you have, and if you continue to conceal what you know because you don't want him to be devastated, you are treating him like a child. You have to choose your ultimate loyalty, and if it causes you to lose a friend, sobeit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 3:11pm

If my boyfriend/another family member/friend knew that my sister slept with my XH and did not tell me, I would be LIVID when I found out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 7:43pm

As I said before, you should just tell your boyfriend, he deserves to know the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 8:25pm

Welcome to the board sckoochie,


I agree with everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 9:31pm
If the family gets torn apart because of what his brother did...then that is what happens.