Please help... don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Please help... don't know what to do.
4
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 5:35am
Here's the situation.. Firstly I'm not even sure if there IS a relationship to save but if there is anything left of one that I CAN save, I would really like to do it.

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me for the 2nd time 2 months ago. The first breakup wasn't a breakup really because we weren't even truly apart but for arguments sake, we will call it a breakup anyway.

I won't go into too much detail in this post about the actual relationship, if any of you out there who have any comments would like to know more, please ask and I will get back to you.

Anyway, here's the deal. I basically cried/grovelled/begged him to give us another shot when we broke up the first time.. and he pretty much kept calling and calling me as well back then until we finally got back together. This second time around, I decided I wanted to preserve some dignity and I did no such thing. I cut off contact - not that he initiated any for two whole months. We ran into each other this one time.. 2 weeks after the breakup (the 2nd one that is) and he told my friend that he wanted to fix himself up first before he "made my life a living hell again" which we obviously took as him wanting to come back at some point. He also told me he felt his life was empty without me.. and yeah, that he wanted us to be together again. He didn't call or anything after this one time that we ran into each other. I've seen him around campus... but it's never been like that one time.. basically, I've been scared I'm going to do something stupid so each time I saw him, I ran away. I'm not sure if he did see me those times.. if he did, then he probably realized too late that I was around.

I began to worry that he would think that I hated him.. So mid week, just this last week, I decided to offer him an olive branch...I sent him a message. It was sorta friendly I guess. It went something along the lines of how it had been a while, and that I wanted to break the ice. I asked him how he'd been. At first I was freaked out that he wouldn't reply. But he did. It wasn't hostile or anything. He just said that he was ok.. told me he had lots of uni work to do and asked me how I was. So I replied to that one again.. Told him that 2 months was a long time.. but basically I had gone on a trip and was busy with uni work as well. I didn't ask any questions in my 2nd message but he found it necessary to reply to it.. which sorta served to encourage me. In his reply to my 2nd message he added that he was turning his phone off because he was visiting his grandma who was in hospital.

I didn't push the issue. But I did send another one saying that I hoped his grandma would be ok. I didn't get a reply to that. I waited another day before sending another one saying that again I hoped his grandma was ok and that I would continue to pray for her. I also said that I had been doing some thinking and that I saw no reason for us not to be friends. And once again, no reply to that.

Alright, so correct me if I'm wrong here but.... if he was so against contact then he could've just cut me off after the first message right?? He could've just said a simple "I'm fine" or not answered it at all. So my question is, why bother replying and now ignore me?

Another bit of background is that HE was always the one that was big on the let's be friends thing. The day he broke up with me.. he was like.. "You can be my friend"..Ugh.. I'm just so confused.. If anyone has any comments.. it would be great.

Before I get shot down in this post again like I did in another.. where someone said to me that something could've happened to his grandma. I HAVE considered it. I also think that if something HAD happened to her. He would've told me by now.

When I stewed over my decision about whether to send him a message or not.. I expected the outcome to be either he would not reply at all to my first one.. or he would and it would open up the lines of communication again. Certainly not open it and close it so quickly.

I'm sorry this has been a long post. I just thought I needed to put SOME detail in so that you guys might have a better understanding of my situation.

At the moment, I'm tempted to just send another one asking if he thinks we could ever be friends again. Oh yeah, another bit of background - I never betrayed his trust so it wouldn't be because he had difficulty trusting me.

Roseaura

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 10:03am

hi and hugs.... look - it seems pretty clear to me. you guys right now are not together. and its seems pretty clear, also, that RIGHT NOW, *he* is not interested in maintaining a "friendship" with you, for whatever reason. I think you are getting all worked up about reading between the lines ("what did he mean when he replied to a message that had no questin attached").


but i am more concerned about the essence of this relationship in the first place. you said that he said <<>> what kind of relationship was this? and why would you want to be with someone who made your life a living hell? (i'm sorry if i am sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, i know you didn't ask this, but i couldn't help replying anyway.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:21am
Hey sk,

Thank your for responding to my post. I will try to answer your questions now.

It is clear, right now, we are not together and it doesn't look like we will be going to in the near future.. or maybe even ever. I don't know..

I do have an update.. apparently he does want to be friends but he is having issues with his family right now and is putting them first. Seems odd to me because friendships don't get put on hold.. they just remain stagnant.. but not on hold.. To me, a friend is someone that you may have been able to talk to for ages.. but you can pick up the phone and talk to as if no time has passed - everything is the same. But that's just my take.

I do believe that I am getting worked up about reading between all the lines..it's hard not to.. I tend to overanalyze..and at the moment, that's all I've got. I really gotta work on face value more with this guy.

As for my "living hell" reference.. I just quoted what he told my friend. I never once told him that he made my life a living hell. I don't know where he pulled that one out from. Essentially it was a good relationship. He didn't make my life a living hell at all.

Roseaura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:52am
I read everything on your other post...and basically, I'd say that your friendship might have had an attraction base. In short, it was always flirtous interaction that didn't involve true friendship.

Realize you "did" set yourself up not to be trusted to want "just friendship" again - and I'd question if you're ready for it since you're not willing to accept his not being ready.

You begged and groveled after the first breakup to get back together..and he did, to see if HIS terms 100% would be met without having to meet you halfway...that didn't work, he wanted out again.

I think you put alot of stock in "external" affirmations. You meeting his family, etc. had you believing that he was emotionally bonded and committed to you. That's why you never saw the breakup coming.

But in reality, his having you meet his family, or whatever other associations exist for you that you did while with him did not to HIM mean that he was emotionally bonded or committed.

I think he doesn't want a relationship - which is a huge job...and it doesn't sound like a true friendship existed. And so while it is good to ease the guilt...and particularly to keep you from groveling nd begging when he broke up the 2nd time to say "let's be friends" - he didn't mean it the way that you took it.

Just like when you assumed that meeting his family meant he was committed and emotionally bonded...and you acted on that as a fact.

I thinkthat is what is going on here. YOu're a girl he dated - he was NEVER looking for commitment, or compromise or communication....he took you around his family and a few other things that to you symbolized commitment - you started acting more territorial - he broke it off.

And if that's right, there is no real friendship to restore. Maybe build...much later...if you two share intrests and goals...but not necessarily desires in regard to a relationship.

A good indicator if you're ready to be truly platonic friends....is envisioning if as friends you two went to the movies or dinner...and he saw a beautiful girl, flirted with her, got her number and asked her out...while in your presence? Would you be upset?

If you would - you're not ready for friendship. Because friendship is wanting the best for your friend as your friend determines it to be. Not them being what you want and need becuase it suits your needs and wants.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:12am
hey, I guess I can say I've been through this type of situation before and let me tell you, it is HARD (the first time around, that is). All I have to say is give it some time. You've done enough on your part already by initiating a new relationship with your exboyfriend. You're just going to have to wait for time to progress for him to extrapolate it. Keep in mind, if things were meant to be, then everything will come together along the road. If things weren't, then they won't. Everything in your life settles down to its place in time

For now all you can do is keep busy. Occupy yourself with some hobbies, do things that make you happy, focus on school work. Because it seems to me as though you've been thinking about this guy a lot. The more you think about something, you make up stories, some negative fantasies, and you set yourself up for disappointment. When a situation occurs, people tend to attach stories to it. In your case, your "negative fantasy" is because he hasn't messaged back, you automatically assume he wants nothing to do with you. Here's an analogy: If you put on yellow glasses, what do you see? Nothing but yellow. If you put on "I have no future with this guy, whether it be partners or just friends", then that's what you get. It's a mental thing, and you have to keep your mind open and clear.

Let's see it from another view. This guy has thoughts too. From what you've written, it sounds like this guy's got a lot on his plate as well. Maybe he's confused on what he should do or what he shouldn't do. Maybe he's afraid history will interefere with a good friendship. Forming a friendship after a close relationship is always a hard thing to do, especially if you were truly in love. It is hard to be open about feelings when the feelings you have are about the other. Communication is tough at this point. For example, my exboyfriend and I went through a situation like this where I'd feel so insecure about our state, so after we broke up I was so down on everything and since I believed I should be open to everything, I told him everything. This is a snowball reaction. The only thing that comes out of this is making him feel down as well. It's like you haven't accomplished anything, and you're back at square one. Nothing worked out.

With my current boyfriend, we went through the same exact situation, except we both kept open positive minds and we eventually became amazing friends. It was a tough ride, but sometimes you just gotta hold up high and look at the bright side. Just knowing he'll remain in my future even as a friend, lifted weight off my shoulders. Because he made such a positive impact in my life before, helped me develop into a new person, was all that mattered. He and I are now together, stronger than before. So what I recommend, is talk to close friends, family members, anybody about how you feel. Never bottle anything inside, keep busy, and always expect the unexpected. Stay positive and clear your mind of any negative thoughts.

I'm sorry to cut this off here, but I have class in 2 minutes! Best of luck to you!