Please help! I DON'T GET IT??!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Please help! I DON'T GET IT??!!
7
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:42pm
I am so hurt that I cannot believe I even feel this badly. I thought I had outgrown these crying marathons because of yet another failed relationship.

Trying to make long story short (it still won't be! lol)...We are both 25. We've been dating for almost 2 years. He really is a great guy. He always treated me with respect, loved me unconditionally, always built up my ego, etc. Only 1 real problem...he isn't too "in touch" with his feelings. He doesn't really like to tell me he loves me, he thinks his time is good enough. My problem...I have abandonment issues. I cannot trust men. Anytime he leaves to go TDY(military), camping with the Boyscounts (he is THAT decent) etc...I cannot help it, I get mad and freak out. I don't think he's cheating...I just get hurt when feeling like second best.

We have this reoccuring fight. It's all linked to him moving (out of state b/c of military) in the next year or two, and me not knowing where the relationship is going. He doesn't want to "reiterate" his love for me when we fight so much, yada yada. He wants to give it time to see if things can be solved...but we never do anything to solve them!

I am really starting to blame myself. Probably my last 4 real relationships have all ended because of this same situation. It's hard not to feel like a loser because I am so insecure, controlling, etc. This really was most of my fault & I think I have pushed away the most decent man I could have ever met.

I thought maybe us "just being friends" for a while would help. (With every intention of solving our problems & getting back together). He's getting his Masters Degree right now and I don't want him to "stress" about the relationship. I thought not seeing each other as much might help us miss each other. He liked that idea. But, he "hasn't been happy for a while. Doesn't feel like himself anymore (I've noticed). Wants to start going to church again, etc". As cliche as all of this sounds, I believe him. He is not the type to make excuses. I think he is really depressed. Probably, mostly, all due to my constant controlling, nagging, insecurities,etc. Last night he tells me all this, but if I wanted to be friends we should "take a few days off from each other but celebrate our 2- Year Anniversary Tuesday. Like a date." WHY? I called him today trying to understand this. He got MAD. He has NEVER gotten this mad at me. After my prodding, he "doesn't have any intention of getting back together" "isn't in love with me" "doesnt care if I am not in his life anymore", etc. WHY ALL OF THE MIXED SIGNALS? This was all my idea in the first place! I really screwed up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:38pm
OK, get counseling for your controlling nature. You know that men have a problem with it. Heck, anyone would. Lucky you can see your problems here and do something about them.

He saw what you were like and was glad to be away from you! This relationship is over but maybe if you get counseling and change the next relationship will be a success.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 4:04pm
I don't have much time right now to give you a longer reply, but here's something to think about. When you say, "I cannot help it, I get mad and freak out", is it any wonder why he has given up? If you really believe you can't help doing what you do, that it's out of your control, then isn't it logical of him to assume that things will never change and that staying with you means that he will always be subjected to your negative behavior? That you will never be happy with yourself or him, so why try anymore?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:35pm
'Probably my last 4 real relationships have all ended because of this same situation.'

Yikes! Then why not be proactive about it and seek counseling to deal with your jealousy and control issues. You have now learned that your problems come with you. They travel from relationship to relationship. No man will ever be able to convince you that he isn't cheating. That is what the word 'baggage' is all about.

Find out where the jeolusy stems-your parents, a previous boyfriend who cheated on you, whatever.

Just remember-Wherever you go, there you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 12:40am
Are you kidding me? Of course I have already been to counseling. It did not help. They (more than one DR.) just wants to bring up even more unrelated issues & fill you with drugs that change your whole sense of being.

I never mentioned jealousy. I am not a jealous person, I am just afraid to be walked out on. This guy is not cheating on me. I never have been cheated on. I mentioned that I have abandonment issues. I was walked out on by my father & my husband said he wanted a divorce on a Post-it Note (straight out of S&TC), rather than actually talking about things.

I know what my "issues" and "baggage" is...I just don't know how to get over the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 1:06am
O.k. so change my answer from 'jealousy' to 'abandonment issues' and it remaings the same. You need a good counselor because you obviously did not receive successful advice and counseling. See a therapist that is not a Dr. so they won't prescribe drugs but will delve into the source of the abandonment and control problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 2:02am

counseling does help. you need the right therapist (not a drug-pushing doctor), and YOU need to be willing to DO THE WORK.


you already know where your issues stem from. so take it one step further - get to REAL therapy, and delve into your deepest, darkest feelings and thoughts, work thru it, and move on.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:47pm
I agree with the other posters.

I'd also add that if you've been with this man for 2 years, and at age 25 you've already had FOUR relationships end, I would suggest: SLOW DOWN. How old (young!!) were you when you starting dating...?

Take some time for some REAL therapy to understand who YOU are and what you want before bringing the same issues into another relationship. You've got lots of time...