Please help - I've ruined everything!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Please help - I've ruined everything!
8
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 5:51am
Hi. I recently got back together with my boyfriend after a month apart. i thought everything was great and it was but now I've opened my big mouth and probably ruined everything.

Basically a few days after we broke up my period was due but didn't come - I'm usually really regular. I mentioned it casually to a friend but wasn't too worried because I was feeling stressed and not eating properly and I know that effects it.

Anyway it still hadn't come a few weeks later so I started to get really worried and considered telling Josh. My friend told me not to because there was no point in worrying him for no reason and said I should do a test first which i agrees with because i didn't want him to be feeling as scared as I was. especially since we weren't even together and I thought it might make everything more complicated. i just didn't want to make him worry before he had to.

Anyway so we got back together and 2 days later I finally plucked up the courage to do a test. I did the 2 in the packet and they were both REALLY unclear. By this point I was freaking out and just wanted to talk to him about it. My friend took me to the doctors and she did a test and it turns out I'm not pregnant. That night I told Josh that I had done the test and what had happened but that everything was ok. I thought he had a right to know. He said he was fine about it as long as I was ok but said he wished I told him when I was first late so he could have been there for me. I apologised and i thought everything was ok.

BUT last night I spoke to him on the phone and even though he said he was ok I could tell something was wrong. He had really badly sprained his ankle that day and said it was that so I went over to see him and took him some painkillers. He kept saying he was fine but was acting a bit strange. I was about to leave and he went 'you really freaked me out last night'. Anyway then we got in this huge thing about it and he's really really angry and upset that i didn't tell him. I tried explaining that I just didn't want him to worry like I was or to feel like he had to do or say anything he didn't mean. It's not like I didn't tell him eventually, I just wanted to be sure of what i was telling him before I did.

He was also really upset that i told Louise but not him. Its not like that. I mentioned to her in passing that I was late and she kept asking if i'd come on then convinced me to take my head out of the sand and do a test. He said he should have been the first person I told because even if we were split up he still would have been supportive and still thought of me as his best friend and thought we could tell each other everything. It really upset me because I was trying to do the right thing. it was so hard for me not to tell him, I wanted to so much and the only person I wanted with me in the doctors or when i was doing the test was him! But I was trying to make things easier for him and it has majorly backfired.

And now he's mad and upset and not talking to me. I know that it must have really freaked him out and everything I felt for the last 3 weeks he's feeling all in one go but it was really hard for me and all I want him to do is give me a hug and tell me it'll be ok. Does that sound stupid. I was so scared and really confused and I thought I was doing the right thing by not making him worry about it until I knew for sure but now I've messed everythign up and I'm scared I'm going to lose him again.

Was I being a complete bitch for not telling him sooner? Or should I not have told him at all?

Please help. Sorry this is so long. I was so happy and now I'm just feeling stupid and I know I've really hurt him.

Yolande

xxx

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:26am
YOu did not do anything wrong. He is immature. And now he is treating you badly. I would not bow down to this immature man. Let it go and if you think this ruined the relationship, then it was a very very weak relationship to begin with.

He is probably worried he would have to pay child support for 21 years. So consider this a warning. If you ever have sex with him again, use three forms of birth control since you know how upset he would be if you turned up pregnant. And both of you are two immature to have a child. You are too dependent on what this man says. He is insulting and hurting you due to his own fears. Please get some counseling to strengthen your self esteem and do not risk pregnancy again.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:19am
Thanks for your reply Krazycatt - you're right.

We are much to young to have a baby - I'm only 19, he's 21 and I'm going away to university in a month!

You are also so right that I am much too dependant on what he says. I spend way too much time worrying about what he will say/think/feel - thats what got me into this mess in the first place. If I hadn't been so worried about he would feel I would have just told him as I know that would have made me feel a hell of a lot better.

I've tried to explain to him that I was just trying to protect him and make things easier for him but he's still so angry and hurt. He said he felt like I didn't trust him enough to tell him. That is not true - if I didn't trust him i wouldn't have told him at all. It would have been really easy for me to never tell him, to get the all clear and never mention it but I didn't I told him. Thats got to count for something right?


I've apologised till I'm blue in the face and have tried so hard to explain why I didn't tell him but I don't know if any of it was going in. He just said he needs some time to get his head round it and figure some stuff out. I really don't want to lose him over this. I feel like such a bitch and I know how much he must be hurting because we always tell each other everything and I kept this from him and the more I think about it the more I realise I should have gone with my first instinct and told him. But I didn't. I can't take that back can I? I can't change how I reacted when I was scared. I would if I could.

I feel like he thinks I did it maliciously or to shut him out or something but thats the opposite of the truth and I don't know how to make him see that. There are times in our relationship when he's really really hurt me but I've always accepted the reasons he's given me for why he's done stuff and accepted his apologies. But it seems like he can't do the same for me. He says that nothing that happened before has been this big - but it has for me! - and I still got past it because I love him. I just want him to understand.

He said he needed time to think so should I just wait until he contacts me? How much time should I give him before I get in contact with him?

Please help

Yol

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:36am
If it were me I would wait until he calls you. Now, if I was in your place and did not tell my husband "first" but told friends instead, my husband would not be hurt in the least. Because he is not self centered and does not take things personally. He would see that I had my reasons for not telling him first and would comfort me instead of being angry at me.

You boyfriend is messed up in the head. He should be comforting you, supporting you, loving you, talking to you, coming over, bringing you gifts, and talking about using two or three forms of birth control at once so that that horrible risk of pregnancy never happens again.

Instead, he acts like a selfish "baby", blaming you, mad at you, avoiding you, hating you and unhappy with you. He is acting infantile. I wonder why he is acting that way?.

Did he secretly want you to be pregnant? Did he hate the thought of getting you pregnant? I wonder where his head is at.......(well I can tell you where his head is at but it is not nice)

Tell him that the way he is acting and the bad way he is treating you, you do not feel he even loves you at all.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:46am
Thanks again Krazycatt.

I love that you're so honest. It's what I need to hear to stop me feeling so guilty and horrible I just want to cry! Most of my friends have just said 'give him time it'll be fine, he's just upset and hurt. It's understandable' - which makes me feel even worse!

I think I'm going to leave it till Saturday to at least give him a chance to get his head together. if he still hasn't contacted me I'm going to say what you suggested. I'm going to tell him that I'm not feeling like he's being very supportive and that we should talk things through rather than him shutting me out. And that this hasn't been easy for me and he should be trying to help me rather than make me feel like I did any of this on purpose or did something wrong. I'm really not feeling very loved at the moment - does that sound stupid?

Where do you think his head is at? Do you think he's angry at me for not being pregnant? He can't want me to have a baby can he? One of my friends suggested that it might be that because if I kept the baby then I couldn't go to university and then I wouldn't move away. But he's always been so supportive about me going to college - why would he want that? Any ideas? Sorry to keep going on but you've been so helpful so far.

Yolande

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 12:58pm
Yolande,

Just for another take ont his, perhaps he was genuinly upset becasue of the scare you went through and didn't tell him about. I don't know why you guys split up, but normally feelings for SO's don't just disappear overnight. It ususally takes a long time to get over someone. And obviously he cared for you even after you broke up because you got back together. Pregnancy isn't jsut about the woman...it takes two to make a baby. Men get more emotional about pregnancy than you may think. Some men are dirt bags and only think of child support, but certainly not all men. I work with several men who's wives/girlfriends are expectining and they talk about the pregnacy all the time, just like women do. I think it's pretty cool. So, don't underestimate your BF feelings and motives for feeling the way he does. I'm sure there's a trust issue there now, wondering if you'd keep a secret that so effects his life from him. I'd say have some compasion...look how upset you were...give him some time to deal with it too. I think it's a sign of maturity, not imaturity that he cares. He could have just told you "Well, how would I have known it was mine anyway? You could have slept with someone else while we were broken up" or a number of uncaring things. JMHO.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:01pm
Hi issuesongoing, thanks for your reply.

Don't get me wrong, I know he is genuinely upset and I feel awful for hurting him like this but i honestly thought I was doing the right thing.

I know that it involves both of us and is as big a deal for him as it is for me which is why i really need him right now so we can get through this scare together. Thats also why i told him once I'd done the test, because its his business too. i just didn't want to worry him unnecessarily.I'm just so scared that we're not going to be able to get over this - he means so much to me and I can't believe I've upset him like this, thats the last thing I'd ever want to do. He has said that it made him feellike I don't trust him - any ideas about how to prove to him how much I trust and love him and how sorry i am??

It's really nice to hear your opinion - I just think that this would be so much easier for both of us if we could lean on each other and get through it together. What do you think?

Yolande

xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:17pm
Well, I see this as a hard lesson, hopefully, learned. Unfortunately, we can't take back choices we make. You had good intentions by waiting to tell him after the fact, but good intentions don't always mean it was the right choice. You say you want to go through this together, but yet, you left him out. So, you can't go through it together. Maybe try telling him one last time, calmly, not hesterically, that you're so sorry for hurting him and that you understand how you hurt him. Tell him you're young and have never been in this situation before, you were scared, particularly becasue you were split up at the time and unsure what to do. And that you made the wrong choice, obviouly, by not telling him immediately. Tell him you'll never keep something that directly effects him a secrete again. Ask him to forgive you. Then leave him alone. He'll either accept what neither of you can't change or he won't, but the ball will be in his court. That's all you can do. Good luck and I hope you can work it out. Just be patient.


Edited 9/2/2004 2:19 pm ET ET by issuesongoing
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:23pm
Thanks. He said he needed time to sort stuff out in his head so I'm trying to give it to him. I'm finding it really hard not to text him though.

Do you think I should leave it a couple of days to give him some space?

You're right - I had to deal with it on my own and so now I have to respect that he needs to deal with it on his own.

I just hate myself at the moment!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:28pm
I'd say give him a few days, at least, to sort out whatever and give him a chance to come to you. Then you know he genuinly wants to communicate with you. If after a few days you haven't heard from him, then text, email or call him and tell him one last time how sorry you are. Then that's it. Yeah, I've had some hate myself moments in my life too. But this will pass. Just give it time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:25pm
I just wanted to give my opinion. A few years ago I thought I was pregnant and I kept it to myself for a while for 2 reasons. 1. I was surrounded by a lot of judgmental people at the time that would have shunned me instead of comforting me and 2. I wasn't 100% sure and I didn't want to make him panic. I ended up telling him 2 days before I took the test and he seemed pretty calm and bought me 2 tests. I took the test at his house and I was so nervous (and I'm also ALWAYS really sensitive) so while we were waiting for the results I was almost in tears...and he was on his computer playing a game. When it was ready I told him to look at it with me and he just said "oh just look" and it was negitive and I almost hyperventalated I was so happy, and I told him and he was like, "good, nothing to worry about" still playing on his computer. Well THAT didn't last.

I'm not saying that it's ok for him to be so furious at you, I think you had a right keeping it to yourself until you were sure, but at least you have someone that has and shares his emotions about it with you instead of just ignoring it. Give him time, don't text him. I'm sure he'll talk to you in a few days and you'll get a chance to explain your feelings and comfort eachother!

Lindsay

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