Please help make sense

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Please help make sense
1
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 11:17am
Hello.
Let me thank you for hearing out my problem and helping.
First let me start with some background info. I have been with my gf for 5 years. We meet in college. In the beginning we were really into each other so we waited 10 months before having sex because we didn’t want sex to affect our relationship and we didn’t want our relationship to just be about sex. We built our relationship on things other than sex. We were strongly sexually attracted to each other. We fooled around a lot doing everything but sex. When we decided to have sex we did a lot of that, too. She has been my only sexual partner ever while she has had other sexual partners. After a few months Susan was incorrectly diagnosed with genital herpes by her doctor. This really affected her and our relationship, mainly the sexual aspect. We quit having sex. Even though she found out later that she did not have herpes, our sex life wasn’t like before. We didn’t have sex that much at all. She still believed she might actually have it. Her libido really went down. And even after many tests that confirmed she didn’t have it, her libido never went back to normal. To this day, she will not let me give her oral or even finger her which she used to love. This was frustrating on my part and I took it out on her. We fought about it because I wanted sex and I tried to get it and when she wouldn’t, I would get mad. I was a real jerk at times. Also, sex when we had it, was frustrating. I had a big problem being consumed with getting her pregnant. This was the case since we started having sex. I would sometimes loose my erection, ejaculate too quickly, or wouldn’t have sex like she wanted because of that fear. I would have to control everything during sex like speed and position and I wouldn’t really get into it and let loose. The thought of getting her pregnant really comsumed me during sex. I have recently over came that problem.
We had a really good relationship and loved each other and were best friends so we stayed together even though the sex was next to nothing. We loved being around each other. We lived together the whole time this was going on. We moved in together when we started having sex. Well we graduated 2 yrs ago and she went to grad school and I stayed here 3 hours away. Our relationship has pretty much been on hold since she started school. We didn’t see each other that much because she always studies. I would go down on weekends but even then she would study during the day and I wouldn’t see her until 9 or 10 at night. We would go to sleep then the next day would be the same. We would talk on the phone but in her second year that was very little a day because of her studying. Our sex life was still not that much. She still didn’t have the desire. We would have sex every now and then but it was frustrating because of my problem. Again, I just recently fixed that problem. She gave oral sex more often than having sex. During the summers she came back but worked a lot. We didn’t go out or really do much of anything. We would work all day, then come home, watch a little TV, then go to bed. We were like an old married couple. We don’t do anything sexual during the summers either because she lives with her parents and I stay with them so we never have any privacy space.
And now here is the problem. In March she said she wanted to take a break. She said she didn’t feel it anymore between us. She didn’t know if she still loved me and she didn’t have the sexual attraction toward me. She said I felt more like a friend to her. It was like we had 2 separate lives and were not a part of each others any more. On top of that we were already like an old married couple and she didn’t like it. Plus she had her first crush on a guy other than me. She started feeling this way around this past December. This crush gave her butterflies in her stomach and thinking of me didn’t do that anymore. She worried that having these feelings for another guy meant that our relationship wasn’t as strong as what it was supposed to be.
I told her these feelings were a result of being in a long term, long distance relationship and living like an old married couple when we were together. I said you have to work at a relationship to make it work and we hadn’t worked at it for 2 years. She said she wasn’t sure she even wanted to work at it. I also told her that I had changed in regards to flying off the handle and being mean to her, which I have. I have seen that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. She agrees that we fit so well together and are best friends but if the love and sexual desire feelings are not there then the relationship will not work. Eventually I talked her into waiting to this summer to see if we could work on our relationship and see if those feelings would return. She came back for the summer the 1st of May. She didn’t want to “jump back into our relationship” the way it was so we took it slow at first and started going on dates which we never did last summer. She didn’t want me to spend the nights at her house either at first so I didnt. We took a week long trip to Philly which she has always wanted to do. It was a blast. We do not see each other during the day because we work. As the summer has progressed, she has wanted me around more and more. She likes being together. She said when I come she is happy to see me and when I tell her that I am leaving at night it makes her a little sad. When I tell her I am spending the night it makes her happy. Now I stay at her house about 5 or 6 nights a week. We sleep in the same bed and hold each other when we sleep. We have not done anything sexual at all. We have had a couple nights alone this summer but still haven’t done anything sexual. I have been very loving to her this summer and haven’t gotten mad at her at all. I tell her all the time that I love her even though she hasn’t said it to me since March.
This past weekend we spent the weekend at her apartment where she goes to school. We went there to see some of her friends. On the way in her car we discussed future plans once she graduates from school next year. We talked about us moving together to another town if she gets a job there. We also talked about what kind of jobs I would be able to get there. On Saturday I helped her with some therapy. She was very appreciative of me helping her and thanked me for being so nice to her this summer. Then while lying in bed Saturday night, she told me she loved me. This was the first time she had said this since March. She said she knew that she would never find anyone as good as me. She said she really hoped that “we” would work out. She then said that she was still afraid because she still wasn’t that sexually attracted to me like she should be. I asked her if she thought we should just start doing sexual things again and she said she didn’t know if she wanted to do that. She has never liked talking about what we should or should not be doing for “us”.
So my question is what is going on here? Do you think she will ever get the sexual attraction back for me? Will it normally come back? It took her this long to realize that she loved me. Will those feelings follow? What can I do to save this relationship? Should I just give her time and let those feelings come back on their own or should I take an active approach and try to be sexual and try to get her to be sexual. I don’t want to be pushy and have her resent that. I love her very much and do not want to lose her. Are we doomed? PLEASE HELP!
Sorry for the randomness and excuse me for any typos here. I really was just trying to get my thoughts down as they came all at once. Thanks again for the help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 2:53pm

Welcome to the board johnb82,


Sounds like she let what the doctor said effect her in all areas of her life. She backed away from you emotionally.