Please help - marriage on the rocks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Please help - marriage on the rocks
2
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:21am
I am in desperate need of some help and advice here, I am a new member but have often browsed through the boards and am hoping you can help sort me out! This is a long post so hopefully you've got a cuppa and are sitting comfortably...

A quick bit of background here to help you. 6 weeks ago I got married to my partner who I have been with for 5 years. I have been with him since I was 18 years old so quite young and before that I was in a relationship for 2 years so I have been doing the long term thing for a while! We haven't had an easy relationship, he has had huge problems with money which included him stealing from me and racking up ££££'s of debt, I have had sexual problems which meant we couldn't have sex for nearly 8 months until it was sorted out and we both lost our jobs within 5 months of each other last year meaning we survived on one salary for 8 months and it was a very stressful time. I have also suffered from depression on and off for all of our relationship which has put a strain on us. However, we thought that if we could get through all of that intact, marriage would be a breeze!!

On the run up to the wedding I got little help from him with the planning and began resenting the fact that I was doing everything and he was spending most of the time getting pissed with his mates to celebrate his forthcoming marriage! Whenever I did ask him to do something it took a week of nagging to actually get him to do it and quite often I just ended up doing it myself for an easy life. I did try and talk to him about it but he was very difficult and dismissive about it which made me start to get frightened about the whole marriage thing but I didn't feel I could talk to him about it. He isn't a big talker at the best of times and I was scared to bring up the subject.

About 3 weeks beforehand we went to a friends wedding along with my best male friend and his partner who then came back to our house to continue drinking (already very drunk). My husband and his partner both fell asleep and my best mate and I went outside so he could have a ciggarette and we could chat without disturbing them and because we were very drunk we ended up having a snog. We broke it up feeling very bad about it and both went to bed and haven't spoken about it since. It was a stupid pissed mistake. I posted about it on another discussion board I used a couple of days later saying it was stupid and wanting to know how I was going to put it behind me and the girls there put me in my place and convinced me to leave it all alone.

I put all my doubts aside as pre-wedding jitters and we got married as planned and had a fantastic day and honeymoon. But when we got home and had to settle back into normal life I suddenly became very frightened again. It was if the enormity of what we had done had just hit me and the realities of having to change my name etc (something I didn't really want to do but did it because my husband was so adament about it) and live my life as a married woman quite frankly scared the living daylights out of me. I guess I was just starting to think about never being able to live a single life again and always being part of a couple and not an individual. My way of dealing with it at first was to start telling my husband how I wanted to keep my work life seperate from him as a way of holding on to my individuality (I don't really have any interests outside my husband) which obviously upset him and we ended up having big rows about trust etc, glossing over me trying to explain how I was feeling and just ending up almost forgetting about it the next morning.

I continued to feel frightened, especially after us always rowing and I found myself starting to regret getting married. I then did something very very stupid....

I work with a gent who is a good friend of mine. Lets call him X. We've both been with the company for a year and have really bonded in that time, we can chat about everything and anything and I considered myself lucky to have found such a good mate. His wife is expecting their first child and he is excited although a bit scared about the prospect of being a dad. The last working day before my birthday we all went to the pub for lunch and had a few drinks and then came back into work. I was downstairs in our kitchen area with X and we were chatting about what I was going to do for my birthday and he apologised for not getting me a card and came over to give me a hug to say sorry. As he did we ended up having a long kiss on the lips. We broke it up and went back upstairs, not talking about it for the rest of the day. As the day ended we were both putting our cups back downstairs and it happened again, but much more passionately this time. We said goodbye and went home, I did feel guilty when I saw my husband but we had such a busy weekend that I didn't really have time to think about it. The next Monday X and I started sending some rather x-rated emails during the day to each other talking about what had happened on the Friday and how we had both enjoyed it. Nothing else happened during the day but we ended up both needing to work late and found ourselves alone in the office... and we kissed again. I can't even explain why I did it, I felt guilty, excited, sick, happy all at the same time. We jumped away from each other when someone else came into the office and I went home shortly afterwards. I felt awful when I saw my husband and vowed that I stop it all but when I came into the office the next day I just couldn't help myself and we started emailing each other again. It was all very flirty and ended with us saying we'd maybe like it to happen again. However, apart from emails, nothing else happened that day and thinking about it now after the event I am positive that I wouldn't have let it go any further as both mine and his guilt over what we'd done would have stopped it. I am convinced that it was just my way of getting over my nerves as I don't even really like him in that way, he was just a good mate.

X was out of the office next day and I read through the email we had sent each other and realised that I was actually rather turned on just by the words and decided to forward it through to a private email account that I have so that when I got home later I could maybe read it and 'sort myself out'. What I didn't know is that my account wasn't private, my husband had found it a few weeks earlier and was checking it on a day to day basis to see what I was sending to it. He checked in that morning after I had forwarded it and found out everything. He emailed me at work to tell me to come home immedietely after work as he had found something out that I didn't want him to know and we needed to talk urgently about our future. I was frightened and at first phoned him and denied it, almost trying to buy myself more time and he got even more angry and hung up. I eventually had to leave work early as I was in such a state and sat at home waiting for him. I decided while I was waiting that I was going to tell him everything and be as truthful about it all as possible, no matter what and I did when he got home. We had a hard couple of days battering it out and I took everything that he threw at me knowing that I deserved it and that he needed to get it out of his system. Everything that had happened made me realise just how much I loved him and wanted it to work so I tried to keep really calm and answer all his questions when he asked them, not loosing my temper when I would ordinarily go mad. He made some demands that I considered to be a bit unreasonable and I half heartedly agreed to them, hoping that he was just angry and would calm down in a couple of weeks. They were not being friends with X AT ALL ever again (he is leaving in a few weeks when his wife has her baby) and not working any overtime or spending any time away from home. Then, apart from a couple of mentions here and there, we didn't discuss it for nearly a week - he didn't bring it up and I didn't want to so nothing was said. Since then X and I have kept it very proffessional at work and haven't really talked much personally which has been very difficult for both of us but we both hoped that once my husband calmed down things would be OK.

Then next friday he got home early from work and decided that he was going to 'snoop around' on me a bit again. He went on to the other discussion board that I use and did a search on all my posts - and found the one about me kissing my best mate. He went mad at me again and was really upset that I hadn't told him about that when I was 'confessing' the week before, the reason I hadn't told him was because I actually forgot all about it in my upset. We had a long talk about everything and I thought we had reached a point where we had both got it all out of our systems and wanted to move on, we had a nice weekend together with friends and everything seemed good again.

But last night it all blew up again. Whilst trying to 'get jiggy' I asked him if he was OK as he didn't really seem into it and he brought it all up again. I sat there and listened as I know he is still hurting and we talked about it. I then made the big mistake of saying that X was only a friend and wouldn't ever be anything else. As part of the conditions were never to be friends with X he hit the roof and we ended up having a screaming row for about an hour about everything again. After it all I reluctantly agreed not to be friends with X anymore (at least for the foreseeable future, he said he might re-consider in a few months if things get better between us) and we both went to bed.

Then this morning we have had another row over the phone over me going somewhere with work. I am organising a company golf day for my company and others and my director has asked me to go along on the day itself (which is over a month away) to co-ordinate the whole thing, which will involve an overnight stay. X won't even be there as he will have left the company by then and this is something that my husband has known about for months, but when I reminded him about it this morning he went nuts and started screaming at me down the phone that I couldn't go. He then kept saying that I couldn't go on my own and that he would drive me there and back, missing the meal at the end which is one of the reasons I am needed so that I can make sure it all goes smoothly. This is something that could potentially be very good for my career as I will get to meet and mingle with some big players that we work with and it will also give me the chance to prove to my boss that I am capable of running such a big event. It would be very unproffessional to have my husband hanging around all day and almost alert everyone I work with that we have problems. I have offered to stay sober all night and have my mobile on at all times so he can ring me whenever he wants as well as giving him my hotel room number so he can phone to check I am there, but he refuses to budge one inch, telling me that I have to accept the consequences of what I have done and talking to me as if I am a child.

Please help me work this out. At this rate I don't think our marriage is going to work and I want it to so badly, but without him dictating everything I do in my life for the forseeable future. We need to move forward, I know what I did was wrong but he won't even take any responsibilty for his part in it all and I have a feeling that this is never going to stop being thrown in my face.



Any comments would be gratefully received.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:19am
lw080880...

Pianoguy is puzzled??? Why in the world would you marry someone who you HONESTLY don't love? Just because you're "working partners" doesn't mean you'll be great marriage partners. You indicated that the relationship between the 2 of you hasn't been easy so are you surprised that there are problems after 6 weeks?

Judging from all the insecurities about the wedding plus your depression, it seems that solving these issues has to start with YOU. Whether you're in therapy or not...or on any medications...it's clear that you have some personal 'demons' to overcome?

With X....I think it was a case of both of you feeling a little 'too disconnected' from your spouses. Unfortunately, your 2nd encounter and the subsequent emails made YOUR situation much worse! Soooo..

As long as X is in the office...your husband will constantly suspect you of cheating on him. The problem may or may not correct itself when X's wife has the baby...since your husband is under the impression that "if my wife can cheat on me once...she'll cheat on me again!" Personally...a little bit of counselling might help your husband get past this...assuming he wants to bother?

Pianoguy realizes that all the verbal abuse you're getting ISN'T something you can handle indefinitely. While YOU have said that you want to save your marriage and put this incident behind you, do you think your husband HONESTLY thinks YOU want this? Especially when there's always the possibility that you'll be susceptible to the 'advances' of somebody else in the future?

Stop drinking...and start thinking! You seem to be your own worst enemy!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:51pm
I have been cheated more times than I would like to remember, some by guys that I really didn't care to much about and a few times from some that I had real genuine feelings for. I acted in the same manner. Its coming from hurt, insecurity and you hurt me you need to be punished. Though I had every right to feel that way I had no right to dictate their lives, what they could do, who they could talk to, where they could go. Right now feels so betrayed as he should, but he can't live your life for you, you are not his puppet on strings. The only way I made it thru was seeking a counsler, she gave me good advice on how to handle it and told my s/o to always be there for answer any question I had about it, and I mean ANY. He actually stood in front of me everyday and asked me if I had any questions or if I would like to talk about it. He was there and ready anytime I was. I also read the book "how could you do this to me" I'll have to get back to you on the author but boy what a good book, alot of insight. Right now he has a million things running thru his head, ask him, daily if need be, don't wait for him to blow. What you did was very wrong, you hurt someone you love, or do you love him? It doesn't sound like there was a good foundation to even build on. Do you want to save the marriage out of guilt? If thats not the case, you need to seek professional help together or there will be noway the marriage will make it. He's way to bitter. I think you should go about your job duties but in the meantime make him now that you will be there to help him.

Good Luck