Please help me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Please help me...
4
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:08pm
Me and my ex bf started goin gout in year 10. i had allready been in love with him for a year. everything started out ok, i was so happy to be with him, and then i started to become nasty to him for no reason. i couldn't help it but at the same i wa terrified he'd leave me. we were on and off sometimes untill july when i finnaly broke us up because he had started to cry alot and be miserable, like me in some ways. but even though we had broken up, we were still kissing and fooling about. i was hoping hed ask me out again untill one day he sed "i was going to ask you out but i forgot". i wish now i just asked him out. in august we were arguin over email and hed said he never loved me and now it was time for me to feel used .we tlked later on at night on the phone and he said he didnt mean a word of it. two days later i tried to call him but his phone was off so when he came online i asked why it was. he told me his phone was on all that time and it turned into an out of hand argument. he came round to prove me wrong. he showed me the phone was on and i rung it and it rung, i still sed i thought he was lieing to me. he came up to my face snarling at me, nearly pushing me into my seat. suddenly i flipped and grabbed him by the neck. 2 months before this happened i had given up self harming over a past bad relationship, and all my stress was kept bottled in untill it was too much. my ex bf collapsed on the floor but was ok and just went to the hospital to be checked up, he didnt even stop me saying it was to "teach me a lesson". he went camping with his family the day after and i kept in touch with, repeatly saying how sorry i was. when he got back for the weekend we spent the whole day fooling around and saying we loved eachother, once again i wished i had asked him out, he was being so loveable and caring to me. he went camping again and we still kept in touch, i went to a friends party where i met someone else. i rung my ex to tell him and he said he was proud of me. however by the time he got back i couldnt help but still be in love with him and called of the relationship. i went on my email again but found out that my ex and a friend of mine who ive accused of fancing him before were going out. i felt indescribley hurt. i was fearing school and having to see em together. out of rage i tore up his jeans and gave them back again, that landed me in alot of being shouted at by his friends who are girls, his guy friends didnt seem to mind and laughed about me stranglin him, my ex's dad still hates me and sed to sleep with my light on or else hed invoke demons into my sleep. however the day after he started going out with my friend he came round and was kissing me, wearing my ring i gave him round his neck on his chain and wanted to give me back a necklace. i thought this maybe ment us being together. he sed he still loved me a bit but he also loved her a bit aswell. two days after that he sed he didnt love me anymore and loved her, i started to become a nervous wreck, im so in love with him and i tell him this but he gets annoyed and says i say it too much, some of me and my friends cant believe that after 4 days of being together they are in love, two of them day not even seeing eachother. he sed he still has feelings for me and im trying to hold on to that and let him be with his gf. i go to school and im hurt, im doing my GCSEs this year and im scared that if this gets worse i might not concentrate enough and miss my chance of going to the college i want. ive had a friend saying i shouldnt be so selfish and takes the piss out of me but she is 2 years younger hen me and i try to avoid her and her mouth. at the moment im trying to be happy for him and my friend but wish i could be with him again so i can be better then i was. please somebody out there let me know what i should do. all im doing now is waiting for him to be single again and i cant stand waiting, it hurts too much. but he knows i am waiting for him and sed "maby one day".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:32pm
It sounds like you two go together like fuel and fire - an explosion is inevitable when contact is made. If you ever got back with him, you couldn't be better to him than you were because you don't belong together, your personalities inflame each other, and it will never be any different. You are not meant to be with each other because both of you demonstrate what you call love with hateful acts. It's better that you learn from your mistakes, adjust your behavior, and move on to find someone with whom you are more compatible. Question for you, what is "year 10"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 4:37pm
I agree with Charite.....

I take it year 10 is the same as 10th grade here in the USA?

This will be hard to hear. You are young, he's young, you both have a lot of growing up to do, maturing and learning how to be in a relationship, and how to fight fairly, and how to believe in yourself so that your self-esteem is high enough that you won't react with insecurities, jealousy and inappropriate action. Does your parents fight or argue this way?

:: was hoping hed ask me out again untill one day he sed "i was going to ask you out but i forgot". i wish now i just asked him out. in august we were arguin over email and hed said he never loved me and now it was time for me to feel used .we tlked later on at night on the phone and he said he didnt mean a word of it.

This is game playing and hurtful. He's manipulating your emotions and you aren't willing to break up and have it be over because you feel you have to make it work with him. Even if you are incompatible with him.

::two days later i tried to call him but his phone was off so when he came online i asked why it was. he told me his phone was on all that time and it turned into an out of hand argument. he came round to prove me wrong. he showed me the phone was on and i rung it and it rung, i still sed i thought he was lieing to me.

Trust your gut feeling. It probably was off. More game playing.

::he came up to my face snarling at me, nearly pushing me into my seat. suddenly i flipped and grabbed him by the neck.

Abusive, not a healthy relationship.

::2 months before this happened i had given up self harming over a past bad relationship, and all my stress was kept bottled in untill it was too much. my ex bf collapsed on the floor but was ok and just went to the hospital to be checked up, he didnt even stop me saying it was to "teach me a lesson".

You have a pattern of this? Sounds like you need to address your issues. Learn why you react the way you do in situations, why you lash out, why you get physical.

::he went camping with his family the day after and i kept in touch with, repeatly saying how sorry i was. when he got back for the weekend we spent the whole day fooling around and saying we loved eachother, once again i wished i had asked him out, he was being so loveable and caring to me.

Sounds like he wants the benefit of the relationship without a real relationship, meaning he wants to fool around if you do, but he's not going to go out with you and be a real boyfriend.

::i went to a friends party where i met someone else. i rung my ex to tell him and he said he was proud of me.

Why would you do this? Hoping to make him jealous and ask you out? You met someone, so were you playing with his feelings the way your ex is playing with yours?

::i went on my email again but found out that my ex and a friend of mine who ive accused of fancing him before were going out. i felt indescribley hurt.

You are broken up with him, it's ok for you to meet someone, but not for him to hook up with someone else? This just proves that neither of you are ready for a relationship and that you are playing with each other. That he doesn't want a real relationship at this time.

::i was fearing school and having to see em together. out of rage i tore up his jeans and gave them back again, that landed me in alot of being shouted at by his friends who are girls, his guy friends didnt seem to mind and laughed about me stranglin him, my ex's dad still hates me and sed to sleep with my light on or else hed invoke demons into my sleep.

Again, you have anger issues. Have you considered taking an anger management class?

::however the day after he started going out with my friend he came round and was kissing me, wearing my ring i gave him round his neck on his chain and wanted to give me back a necklace. i thought this maybe ment us being together. he sed he still loved me a bit but he also loved her a bit aswell. two days after that he sed he didnt love me anymore and loved her, i started to become a nervous wreck, im so in love with him and i tell him this but he gets annoyed and says i say it too much, some of me and my friends cant believe that after 4 days of being together they are in love, two of them day not even seeing eachother. he sed he still has feelings for me and im trying to hold on to that and let him be with his gf.

He's young, doesn't know what he really wants and you are the back up plan. If things don't work out with her, he'll be back with you because it's easy, because he doesn't have to commit, because you allow him to have one foot in the relationship and one foot out.

::i go to school and im hurt, im doing my GCSEs this year and im scared that if this gets worse i might not concentrate enough and miss my chance of going to the college i want.

You have to focus. You have to put your future above the relationship. You have to take care of you and believe in yourself. If you don't you will always look outside of yourself for support, money, security. Take care of you!

::ive had a friend saying i shouldnt be so selfish and takes the piss out of me but she is 2 years younger hen me and i try to avoid her and her mouth.

You know what she's saying is the truth, and you don't want to hear it.

::at the moment im trying to be happy for him and my friend but wish i could be with him again so i can be better then i was.

Sometimes we don't get second chances. Sometimes we are different with different people, but not different with a specific person that we have a violent/dysfunctional relationship with.

:: please somebody out there let me know what i should do.

Focus on you and your healing. Go to college. Get a degree. Heal your heart. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been. It takes time.

::all im doing now is waiting for him to be single again and i cant stand waiting, it hurts too much. but he knows i am waiting for him and sed "maby one day".

He's still playing you. Someday. Everyone says that to be nice OR to keep someone hanging on. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. He's doing exactly what he wants to be doing at this moment.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:16pm
It seems like every time you guys break up or get in a fight you end up kissing and fooling around the next day, even if one of you is dating someone else. You make this sounds purely physical because every time something bad happens the only good thing that ever happens is sexual. It sounds like this relationship is nothing more than fooling around. Another thing is, you talk about how much he breaks your heart and then you say "then he comes around the next day kissing me". If he is kissing you, you are kissing him, you are letting him kiss you and fool around with you even though he's going out with your friend, or emotionally/physically abusive. Don't blame him for everything. When you say that he comes around kissing you, you mean he came around and you two started kissing. You might want to ask yourself why, even though you two are fighting and broken up, its still ok for him to come around looking for a booty call whenever he wants, and you give it to him. You both have a lot of growing up to do. Screw him, you can do better and be happy as soon as you find happiness in yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:51am
thank you for your replies of help. things havent been running smoothly since the last time i was on here. at this time im away from school, not able to eat or drink anything without feeling as though i will be sick. i have cuts on my arms covered with bandages and my lips are dry, cut and bleeding from lack of liquids. i prayed last night for god to give me a sign. i suddenly heard a cat outside my window scream and then moan alot. i asked my dad about this and he sed that the cats were just making love and being violent. it sounded familiar to me. then i got a random phonecall from a friend saying she thought of the friend going out with the guy i love is a geeky bitch, even though she is friends with her. i understand he is using me at this time but its as if he has a method where i want him to feel guilty about hurting my feelings and using me and yet all hell do is say that its not his fault or say "ok dont worry, you dont have to wait for me". i wish someone would come and save me, wether or not it is him. i feel as though my body is deteriating and im scared. nothing seems to be making me feel better and i wish something would. and as for the girl taking the piss out of me. what she has ment by selfish is that i have ppl more miserable then me and yet at this time all i can do is tlk about him. i know she is wrong because i have been there listening to my friends aswell as my family. my nan and grandad are unwell and i rung them out of free will just to check they were ok. my mum is having a really bad time and every time i see her i hug her and wish she didnt have to cry. i know i go on about him but no one has any right to say i dont care about anyone else at this time too. not only have i prayed for him to be mine again i have also asked god to help my grandparents and my mum get by and be happy again. im not even a praying person most of the time but now it seems so important to me.