Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Please help me!
3
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:32pm
My boyfriend and I recently had a fight. We've been together for roughly 4 years. 2 and a half years ago we split up for 6 months because we weren't sure that we were supposed to be together. Turns out we are. Then last october we had a break for a month or so because of the same thing that it is this time. I have trouble controlling my temper and get angry at the stupidest stuff. My boyfriend doesn't treat me bad by any means. If anything he is a better person now. It used to be that when we went out that I paid for everything and he did what he wanted to without even asking me. Now he pays for almost everything and he's cut out the stupid sh*t he used to do (just stupid immature boy stuff) and he's quit drinking too (when he used to drink he would always drink WAY too much) And yet I still get mad at him. Over the stupidest stuff. Take this fight for example. All last week he spent every single night with me. I wanted to go to the movies and he didn't. So Friday night he says he's going to have a night with the guys, fine whatever I don't care. He has to work late on saturday so I didn't see him until about 2. Sunday he tells me that he went to the drive in on friday and I went completely ballistic on him. I'm talking, psycho mad. Usually when we have a fight he'll do something stupid to make me laugh and that will be the end of it. In this instance he was standing there with a wee tiny towel wrapped around his waist. It really was funny and I wanted to laugh, but for some reason I kept carrying on that I was mad at him, when I actually wasn't anymore. And then after he left I kept coming after him. Calling him and carrying on. This is what I did the last time we split up. I do get mad at him for other stupid stuff to, like if he makes a comment that I don't like I'll get all bitchy at him. And its not that I'm even mad or care all that much. I just do it. This time he says that he doesn't know if he can deal with it anymore and he doesn't know if he wants to stay together. He said that whenever he talks to another girl he loves me even more because no other girl can even come close to comparing to me. But now he doesn't know if thats true anymore. I don't know if he just said that because he was mad or what. I can't lose him. And I know if he leaves he's going to regret it. How can I stop this bad habit of being mad and carrying on like a little child? (Because thats kinda what it is, me throwing a tempertantrum to get attention) Someone please help. To make matters worse, sunday morning (before the fight) we had sex and yesterday I forgot to take my pill. Someone please tell me the chance of getting pregnant because of that is remote.

I can't bear to lose him, he's the love of my life, but I can't stop getting mad when I'm really not. Please please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:53pm
Hi Sookie, just a few thoughts, you can take'm or leave'm. I'm just curious if you find that you have a lot of mood swings, sometimes it seems - just because. That is if you feel the fights are more about little things that irritate you than someone actually doing something really mean to you. If so, would you consider getting some help for yourself? I'm not big on meds but I have also experienced anxiety and getting upset to a point that I was just crying or irritated quite often. I was completely miserable. Meds have helped me to maintain a better mood level so I'm not sinking or getting irate, etc. Mine is a chemical imbalance - sometimes it's a learned behavior begging to be undone. Also ask your boyfriend if he would be willing to get some partner counselling to learn how to communicate better. He might get some tips on how to deal with verbal agressions so that he can help you calm down in a way that you can save face and eventually be able to calm yourself down. Using humor to get you to lighten up is fine but only now it seems it's come to a point where you both need to talk about dealing with issues in a way that builds you up instead of tearing the other apart. Also, maybe try giving each other space instead of spending every evening together. Even in good relationship, I've heard about couples getting annoyed with each other just because they've spent so much time together.

A student I worked with became so irate with me one day and begged me to call his parent so they could come and help him calm down. I said no, I believe that you are able to calm down all by yourself. I'm not going to try to calm you down either. In just a few minutes, he was able to calm down, I pointed out that he had done it all by himself - he stood a few inches taller. His anger bouts became less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 6:05pm
Sounds like there are a few issues that need to be resolved with this guy. I can understand why you are upset with him - you want to go to the movies with him, you have all week to do it, you don't go (this is considering he knew you wanted to go) and instead of taking you out, he saves his time, money (whatever) and instead goes with his friends to a movie. Very inconsiderate of your feelings.

::It really was funny and I wanted to laugh, but for some reason I kept carrying on that I was mad at him, when I actually wasn't anymore. And then after he left I kept coming after him. Calling him and carrying on.

This is because either 1) you want him to know how strongly you feel about it, 2) want him to apologize, 3) want him to know you think he's wrong or 4) you want to punish him and force the issue to what? get his attention, break up??? only you can answer that question. I hope you find the answer.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:42pm
Hi Sookie, I can understand your frustration and pain. Often we find that we behave differently in dealing w/ our emotions (especially negative ones) when we are interacting w/ someone who is close to us. It would seem with people we are close w/ we can be ourselves and don't have to be gaurded. (For example if you get angry at a neighbor for something stupid, you realize it would be inappropriate to act they was you mentioned, b/c of the boundaries of that relationship) This is perhaps why you find yourself acting on the anger "being bitchy"? I agree w/ the previous postings in perhaps you could benefit by talking to a professional. This will give you a venue to explore better options for dealing with in intense anger and learning to questions...hey is this rational anger or irrationale. In addition it can help you explore where, how, and sometimes why you are that way. A few questions for you as "food for thought" 1) Do you guys dicuss the bigger issues that cause conflict to work toward resolving them? If not your irritablity could easily be triggering your emotions on the larger issues. 2) What meaning are you attaching to his behaviors that piss you off? (e.g he doesn't appreciate me, he's taking me for granted, etc). Unfortunately jumping to such meanings can can result in the anger your talking about. If this is the case than stopping yourself for a quick moment to ask is this a rationale meaning (e.g are there several ways I feel taken for granted or is isolated to this incident). A great book that was recommended on another posting is The Seven Principles for Making A Marriage Work by Gottman. It helps in exploring each of your communication styles and even fighting styles. On a positive note the use of humor is an tension breaker, and is considered to be a positive commonent in relationships, according to this book. Best of Luck