Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Please help me.
5
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:13pm
I have been dating my partner for over one year now, and i love him more than anything.I have always been jealous and i know it is because i am insecure. I have read and read about how i need to look at my past.. he has done nothing wrong- in fact he has been more of a man than i ever dreamed of.. I have never been in love before, and i am so afraid of losing him. Recently he told me if i cant get over my insecurities than he thinks we should break up. I am torn up about this.. for some reason i cant seem to get over my jealousy. The sad thing is i really wish i did not feel this way. I want to trust him, and i dont want to feel this way anymore. I couldnt stand losing him.. i love him so dearly, and would do anything for him. I keep telling him ill change but just cant seem to do it. I really need advice. Thank you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: maineart
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:22pm
I don't know of any way of changing such a deep-seated part of yourself other than through counseling. If you are sincere in your desire to change, however, then with the help of a good counselor, you have a good chance of doing so.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
In reply to: maineart
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:39pm
Hey, I may be a touch out of line, but I'll drop my own little thought in here - do you suffer from depression? Low self esteem, self-doubt, excessive worry, etc. - some of the symptoms of depression - it all sounds as though you've got more going on than relationship problems. It's JUST an idea, but you should think of checking that aspect out. If you want, start by looking up some info here online - NOT pharmaceutical companies sites, but through support sites & psych sites. Then, if something sounds like it's hitting home, take it to a Dr.

Good luck... and keep talking to him; communication is the best way to navigate a relationship, but don't rely on him as your only support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: maineart
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:33am
maineart...

Pianoguy saw your name and began to wonder if YOU lived in the state of MAINE? Your ivillage name is quite unique when you consider the fact that Maine DOES have schools devoted to art. You're not an art student or teacher, are you?

But I digress..

Ask yourself one question....which of these is more important: YOUR RELATIONSHIP or YOUR JEALOUSY? And NO...you can't say BOTH!

The man you've been dating for one year has indicated that your insecurities could end the relationship the 2 of you have...correct??? While his comment may or may not be true, why not ask yourself (honestly) how long your "jealous streak" has been with you? This behavior might be connected with a relative, a childhood friend, or an incident from your past?

Now if you think some professional counselling might help you...as a previous poster suggested...then go for it! However, if you're intimidated by discussing a stupid habit with a total stranger...what's wrong with talking with a close 'female friend' who knows about this problem? She'll probably give you a lot more honesty than you want to hear, but maybe...this is what you need?

After this is done, then...ask your b/f if he'd be willing to help you work on the problem. If the man loves you as much as you seem to love him...it's a good bet that he'd be willing to work with you. If he says it's something YOU have to work out all by yourself, there may be a few other issues about your 1 year relationship the 2 of you might want to talk about?

BUT...the decision to really get over your jealousy has to begin with YOU!

Best of luck and warm thoughts!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
In reply to: maineart
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:37am
You have at least recognized your feelings that you are insecure in your jealousy. However, if you feel jealousy even when he is not around you, that is a bigger problem. It means you really don't trust him.

My question is if he does anything specific that sets you off? Does he glance at other women, make comments, or flirts? I'm sorry to say this, but all men will do this from time to time. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you, even if these women are more attractive. You need to realize he is with you because he wants to be. And he is right. Your jealousy and insecurity will eventually break up the relationship. This constant demeaning of yourself it not healthy for you or for him. If you need to, get some counseling.

artsy...

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: maineart
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 10:18am

For starters, if you have a deep jealousy problem, realize that this is not his problem, but yours. Your feelings are not due to anything he's doing, but to what's going on inside of you. Do not blame him for them, and do not discuss these feelings with him either. He is your boyfriend, not your therapist. What will help here is for you to get yourself a good therapist and work on what is going on with you. Deep jealousy problems indicate many things that need to be carefully worked on. You can get over this with the proper professional help, not by acting them out or talking to him about them. Let him know that you plan to work on these problems, that you take responsibility for them and that they will not