Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Please help me.
11
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:46pm
I'm not sure what it is whether it be jealousy or inability to relate, maybe even immaturity- though I doubt that last one. Anyway, I can't seem to get past this horrible feeling of irritation with my boyfriend's youngest daughter. She has to be with him every second. She's 9. She won't even go into another room without him, she sleeps in his room. She use to sleep in the bed, then it was (a compromise I suggested) sleeping on a pallet in the living room Fri & Sat. nights so that it felt like a camp out. Which somehow turned into Fri, Sat, & Sun. But only if she slept in her room without argument the rest of the week. She sleeps fine at her moms house, every night of the week she spends there. They have joint custody. But now that summer is here and school is out she is on the pallet in the floor EVERY NIGHT. There's always an excuse. The thunder scares her, (that was this weeks). Every time he calls me on the phone she is right there in the background talking or listening... so we can't even have a conversation. She can't be in a room alone, she too scared but of what she don't know. She don't believe in ghosts or monsters, and the dark doesn't scare her, but she walks through the house turning on all the lights as she goes. She bats her eyes and he does whatever she wants. I'm 29 never been married and don't have kids. But I'm decent with my friends children. I just believe in discipline (not as harsh as my parents, but not as lenient as today's parents with their time outs and 'what do YOU think your punishment should be?) I think you're the parent and you need to BE the parent not make deals with your children. My parents didn't with me and I turned out all right. Anyway, since I'm not married and don't have children, maybe I don't know what's best. So what I'm asking is am I really as horrible as I feel because I don't seem to be able to bond with my boyfriend's children?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:16pm
neverenoughlove...

While it's pretty logical for most children to sleep in their own rooms overnight, I've read about children WHO ARE VERY INSECURE WHENEVER THEY'RE LEFT ALONE! Do you suppose the 9-year old has a few anxieties? Or perhaps she's more comfortable when she is in the presence with a parent whom she can "bond" with?

All children are different in some way...which is why most of them grow up to be doctors, inventors, rocket scientists, investors, actors, dancers, and...god forbid...politicians!

Since you apparently never felt insecurity because your family might have remained together throughout your childhood years...please don't dismiss someone else's nervousness! It's often VERY REAL!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:25pm
Regarding the girl; She is nine years old and anxious about being alone. This could be about her parents' separation or school or any number of things. She needs time with her dad and should be #1 in his life.

There is nothing wrong with compromise in an adult/child relationship. It is a good way to build confidence and teach children how to deal with decision making. He is also teaching her how to deal with her anxiety.

The issue here is that you have different 'parenting' styles then your boyfriend and are upset that you aren't #1 in his life.

Assume things aren't going to change for a number of years. Can you live like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:36pm
Her fears or anxieties probably stem from her parent's separation. Right now, he needs to do everything he can to assure her that he won't leave her just because him and her mom aren't together. Also, she probably interrupts you two because she's afraid if she lets him get too close to you, he might forget about her. As an adult, this may sound silly, but you have to remember that she is a 9 yr old child and to kids, these fears are very real. I think instead of finding ways to get time away from her, you should rethink if it is the relationship you should get time away from. You, being childless, have the luxury of thinking only of yourself (and I don't mean that in a mean or condescending way). People without children can't understand a parent's need to reassure their children, especially when they feel it interferes with "adult time". It's something you won't understand until you have kids of your own. Until then, maybe you should stick to dating men without kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:08pm
I'm not trying to 'dismiss' her nervousness. I'm trying to 'address' it. So that it can be dealt with instead of letting it consume her life and everyone elses. I came from a divorced family as well. Plus I was a sickly child. But every time I crawled into bed with my mom, she picked me up and put me back in my own bed. I had a night light as bright as the sun until I was 12. But I was forced to sleep in my own bed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:22pm
I understand that I will NEVER be #1 in his life because he has children. What I'm having a hard time understanding is why is she okay at her mom's house and can sleep in her own room, but not at her dad's? He spends more time with her than her mom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:22pm
neverenoughlove...

It's NOT YOUR PLACE to "transfer your values" to your b/f's 9-year old daughter.

You aren't her mom or stepmom...you're the g/f of her Dad!

And while your particular family arrangement seemed to be successful...it's not a 100% sure cure for all children! DAD needs to make the call on this...and by forcing HIS hand, you'll could easily mess up the relationship you have with him...not to mention having a more difficult time with the 9-year old when she becomes a TEENAGER!

How do you feel about living in hell? Teenagers know what buttons to push..and to play partners against each other! Is this what YOU want?

Let her Dad handle this issue...PLEASE! I like your 'nightlight suggestion', but it's her Dad responsibility to suggest it...not yours!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:32pm
They've been seperated for a year. This is just now happening. Why after a year, is this just becoming a serious problem. And it's only happening at her dad's house? Her mom also has a new partner- but her mom has set the ground rules. Something her dad still has yet to do. Maybe your right, maybe it's just because I don't kids of my own. But I don't see parents help their children by making them believe that the world ALWAYS works out the way you want it to. If she is physical pain, then I want to help her too. But if she just wants her dad to spend EVERY WAKING MINUTE with her and then some, then I think that is an injustice to her. Life doesn't work that way. I'm not saying that I don't want him to spend ANY time with her. I haven't seen him in two weeks, so he has been with just her (the older step sister which he also gets every other week has been away at cheer leading camp)so it has been just the two of them. And even when it's not, the oldest is a teen so she stays in her room mostly, and the youngest is right there with us in the living room. She showers with the door open, she can't turn on her own closet light? WE play UNO together, he rides bikes with her, just the two of them. It's not that she's not getting enough attention. and how can she not sleep in her old room but feels more comfortable in a new house, new room new surroundings. She sleeps just fine at her mom's. and it's at her mom's that she has to compete for attention. I don't understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:41pm
Maybe that's part of the issue. I'm suppose to be going through all this 'with' him, yet actually I have absolutely no say in anything that happens. I already feel left out because I'm not the one that had his children, and I'm not part of his past or the memories, so now there's just one more thing that I have to sit on the sidelines and watch. We've been dating for almost a year, at what point do I start being 'part of the family'? A ring and a piece of paper will make them see me as 'a member of the family'? I don't thinks so. He asks me my opinions, he wants my advice, says he agrees, but then doesn't do anything similar. I don't see how continuing to let her 'be scared' of everything will help her. But I appreciate all of the advice. I just don't understand if she's scared and needs attention or is nervous how it only manifests at her dad's house. If you're scared or nervous or in need of attention, it's not usually in old familiar places. When I was scared of the dark (mainly vampires getting me) it was EVERYWHERE even over at friend's houses where I didn't get a nightlight. So I'm just having a hard time understanding. But I'm trying, that counts for something doesn't it?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:44pm
Your bf isn't enforcing boundaries. But that's HIS decision, HIS choice, not yours. This is NOT about her, it's about his parenting choices. So you have two options: accept that this is the way he is as a parent, and deal with it, or end the r'ship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 7:55pm
'you're scared or nervous or in need of attention, it's not usually in old familiar places.'

But you are new, so the 'old place' isn't so familiar. Plus she has a new home where her mom has a boyfriend. Her structure (something she needs)has changed completely and she is seeing her parents as 'new' people. How are things the same for her???

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