Please help me.
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Please help me.
| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:46pm |
I'm not sure what it is whether it be jealousy or inability to relate, maybe even immaturity- though I doubt that last one. Anyway, I can't seem to get past this horrible feeling of irritation with my boyfriend's youngest daughter. She has to be with him every second. She's 9. She won't even go into another room without him, she sleeps in his room. She use to sleep in the bed, then it was (a compromise I suggested) sleeping on a pallet in the living room Fri & Sat. nights so that it felt like a camp out. Which somehow turned into Fri, Sat, & Sun. But only if she slept in her room without argument the rest of the week. She sleeps fine at her moms house, every night of the week she spends there. They have joint custody. But now that summer is here and school is out she is on the pallet in the floor EVERY NIGHT. There's always an excuse. The thunder scares her, (that was this weeks). Every time he calls me on the phone she is right there in the background talking or listening... so we can't even have a conversation. She can't be in a room alone, she too scared but of what she don't know. She don't believe in ghosts or monsters, and the dark doesn't scare her, but she walks through the house turning on all the lights as she goes. She bats her eyes and he does whatever she wants. I'm 29 never been married and don't have kids. But I'm decent with my friends children. I just believe in discipline (not as harsh as my parents, but not as lenient as today's parents with their time outs and 'what do YOU think your punishment should be?) I think you're the parent and you need to BE the parent not make deals with your children. My parents didn't with me and I turned out all right. Anyway, since I'm not married and don't have children, maybe I don't know what's best. So what I'm asking is am I really as horrible as I feel because I don't seem to be able to bond with my boyfriend's children?

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While it's pretty logical for most children to sleep in their own rooms overnight, I've read about children WHO ARE VERY INSECURE WHENEVER THEY'RE LEFT ALONE! Do you suppose the 9-year old has a few anxieties? Or perhaps she's more comfortable when she is in the presence with a parent whom she can "bond" with?
All children are different in some way...which is why most of them grow up to be doctors, inventors, rocket scientists, investors, actors, dancers, and...god forbid...politicians!
Since you apparently never felt insecurity because your family might have remained together throughout your childhood years...please don't dismiss someone else's nervousness! It's often VERY REAL!
Pianoguy
There is nothing wrong with compromise in an adult/child relationship. It is a good way to build confidence and teach children how to deal with decision making. He is also teaching her how to deal with her anxiety.
The issue here is that you have different 'parenting' styles then your boyfriend and are upset that you aren't #1 in his life.
Assume things aren't going to change for a number of years. Can you live like this?
It's NOT YOUR PLACE to "transfer your values" to your b/f's 9-year old daughter.
You aren't her mom or stepmom...you're the g/f of her Dad!
And while your particular family arrangement seemed to be successful...it's not a 100% sure cure for all children! DAD needs to make the call on this...and by forcing HIS hand, you'll could easily mess up the relationship you have with him...not to mention having a more difficult time with the 9-year old when she becomes a TEENAGER!
How do you feel about living in hell? Teenagers know what buttons to push..and to play partners against each other! Is this what YOU want?
Let her Dad handle this issue...PLEASE! I like your 'nightlight suggestion', but it's her Dad responsibility to suggest it...not yours!
Pianoguy
Sheri
But you are new, so the 'old place' isn't so familiar. Plus she has a new home where her mom has a boyfriend. Her structure (something she needs)has changed completely and she is seeing her parents as 'new' people. How are things the same for her???
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