please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
please help me!
17
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:17pm
Hello, anybody out there who's with a "busy" boyfriend?

It is 2.5 years in our relationship. Things were great and exciting as a new couple, until this past year. I guess I've gotten too comfortable with him - shared my family problems, spoke before I think first, etc. We've broken up twice during the last 6 months. The first breakup was because he's not "in love" with me anymore. Of course I was crushed. We got back together a week after that, and it was emotional hell for me because there were no "3 words" from him anymore. He turned into a different person and I always worried whether he really cares. The second time we broke up was during christmas break - he thought I was too needy and said that the relationship haven't been better (sadly true). At that time I was almost ready to accept and let him go (I cut out all of my fave pictures of us and made a collage for him for his b-day). When he came over to pick up his b-day present, I was crying and we went into my room so my family couldn't see us bawling. I guess that night was emotional for him too - he was crying and said it's harder than he thought (maybe seeing pictures of us on my wall convinced him?), he also said he might be making a mistake by breaking up...so we got back together. He finally told me he loved me (after months of drought!). I was so so happy, because I have always loved him and finally wanted to here those words again. He also told me that it's going to be busy for him in the next few months (tax season). He is a an accountant, working everyday, also has this set schedule for workout classes 5 times a week. Things were good since, he tries to call me everyday and made time to see me whenever he can. We say I love you to each other every day. I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him). He only called me once this week because he was busy working. Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead. The problem is, I'm starting to really worry about him, because this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term?? I said I don't know, and asked if there's anything wrong, and he said "not really" and said that he's been neglecting me. He asked to think about it and tell him later. I don't know what to say. He did warn me that it will be busy for him, and I'm trying to give him the time he needs. People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other. I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time". This is an awkward stage because I'm still in school and he just graduated and started working. What to do?? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this just an obstacle?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:47pm
I am bringing this post up again so that you can read the responses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: missnv
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:13am
I can understand you fully, my partner of 2 years that I have broken up with recentley asked me to be friends but I just cant, I want more than that and it makes it too difficult also I could not cope seeing him with the love after me that would tear me appart. It is a tough situation but if things cant be worked out i think it is best to cut ties. Also on the lead up to our break up my boyfriend was increasingley distant and told me he was busy but then would go to his brothers house!!! I know how you are feeling and nothing i say will change that because i am going through it too and I know, but good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 5:41pm
I think you should re-read this thread and the others you have posted. Has your relationship improved. Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend, as suugested by someone here?

Did he tell you he loves you but isn't in love with you or do you feel that way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 6:16pm
hi... its funny because i was just looking through the posts and YOUR situation is exactly like mine. I am not over it. I am on the same damn page as you. Boyfriend, who you love so much, but who often turns on and off, is not sure what he wants... and will only act like he knows what he wants when.. duh... when he wants something. when he doesn't want it anymore, and if you call him, he acts all cool and nonchalant. he does not reassure you of his feelings and intentions all the time. he only does it as a duty to make you happy, but when he's having his "doubtful" days he holds back. you only see him once in 2 weeks (exactly like mine... we don't hang out much though we "see" each other at school, which doesn't count to me). you knew if he wanted to see you badly enough he could. but he wouldn't.

you on the other hand, was always there for him. if he didn't have the "busy" problem, you would drive 100 miles just to see him, even if meant only an hour. you've always loved him, and probably always will when things are over. you can't get over the fact that you were so close last week, and can't figure out why he's acting so distant this week. and believe me its a cycle, a pattern that doesn't seem to break. he's never just stable enough. you can't get over the memories you guys have shared, you remember exactly what happened the first time he held your hand, kissed your lips, and fell asleep next to you... and the first time he said "i love you". it bring tears to your eyes to think about what you had.

hellO! that's what you HAD. do you have it now? no. how many months has it been since you've started having problems? did you think he was gonna sort his things out when he asked you back out? no. he broke up with you again. doesn't that tell you that he's NOT SURE of what he wants? he could love you, but is he in love with you like you are with him?

every responses for you that i've read applies to me. everything i tried to apply to you is how i feel. tell me how similar we are. all the responses i've read, i know they are right. yet its easier for me to recognize the truth in those words because again, it is your situation after all. i know if i was you, i would have a hard time dealing with letting go. but oh wait, we DO have the same situation, and i AM having a hard time letting go. anyway... i saw the point of it though. its just hurting myself. i am doing something about it. im starting to try to let go, to recognize that this is over, and currently i am ignoring him, getting some space for me to think about who i am, what i want... etc. so yeah im taking this break from HIM.

doesn't mean i don't cry about him... doesn't mean when i see him at school, i can walk away easily without wanting to hold him. but it does mean that i know i deserve someone better, someone who's dying to spend every free minute with me... now tell me you don't want that.

i just hope through giving you support, i can find my own strength. good luck to the both of us. move on when it's time to, love can only work if the both of you are in it together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 6:40pm
I can feel for what you're going through and I echo the other women's sentiments to an extent. However, to give you another perspective, have you ever known young boys and men well in your family? How selfish they are? Can you imagine how selfish those same boys are going to be with a girlfriend, or wife? Unfortunately, there are a lot of them out there and you probably didn't have the good fortune to find out enough about your boyfriend before you fell for him. To a lot of these guys today, XBOX is more important than their girlfriend(s). It's hard to say what will mature them, or if they ever will. It's whatever they want at the moment that's important to them.

I don't know exactly what you're asking for, but I suspect it has something to do with closure. You'd at least like him to have the decency to say it's over, or why, or something, not just keep giving you hope. Unfortunately, these boys don't have much back bone either, and they certainly don't want to bother with anything "messy", tears and such. So you probably won't get much satisfaction as far as his involvement, unless he wants something at that moment. You're probably going to have to chalk it up to experience. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
In reply to: missnv
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 2:01am
yes girls, it's over between me and bf. I have a hard time calling him ex-bf. He has been calling me less and less. We finally talked and he said it doesn't feel right to him and he's listening to his head, heart, and gut. He said times have changed and I have to open my eyes; I'm not his dream girl anymore. I told him nobody's perfect. He also said he doesn't have any time for a relationship right now (going away for school May-Aug, write CA exam in Sept, job expectations) and told me that even if we keep this, he will not likely talk to me again until after his exam...so he wants to call it quits so we won't waste any more time thinking about it and before things get worse. I think I need to improve on some aspects of myself that he pointed out before, for my own benefit and hopefully after exam he'll come back if we're meant to be. I think it is because of the lack of time spent together/talking that drives us apart. I hoped this stage was temporary and I didn't want to give up on the relationship, but he said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and said it would be cruel of him to lead me on while he's not putting any effort to the relationship at all. I guess it is true that this will save me alot of anxiety and grief from thinking whether he will call me tonite or not, or why didn't he say he loves me everyday like he used to, etc. I totally understand where he's coming from, but it's so hard to accept I'm not the one and because it would have been 3 years together in May. This was my first relationship. It will take me a long long time before I can give my heart away like that again. I grew to love him and came a long way to accepting his shortcomings. He was my best friend, the first person to share my successes with and the one I turn to for problems and support. Is it possible to be best friends after breaking up? He became my best friend prior to the relationship. *sigh* I feel like the things that I have been doing were all for us and because of him; now I feel there is nothing to look forward to....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: missnv
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 1:15pm
sorry for your pain. but he is right and you are right. it does save you a lot of grief and anxiety, once it's over, you don't have to think about it all the time. and good thing that he won't be sending you mixed signals or leading you on. it's over so try to focus on yourself. you should live for yourself and no one else. you are the one who's responsible for your own happiness.

if you guys are meant to be im sure one day when timing is right you guys would be together. if not then time will let you see, give you a closure and you will surly move on. it's not a time to mourn or regret, or worry about what's gonna happen in the future. live your life now because you are free again, and you live for yourself. that's great to know that you can be happy for yourself and no one else.

my bf and i broke up last night too. well ex-bf, lol. we both saw it coming, and we've been together for 9 and half months. but yes it's finally over, and even though i think about our memories often, but they are just memories. there are more opportunities - take this chance and do things for yourself. don't live in the past. and also, this is yours first relationship, you have nothing else to compare it to. life is about experiences and it doesn't hurt to find out what it's like being with someone else. good luck!

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