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| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:19am |
Hi,
I am a 26 yr old medical graduate and belongs to an orthodox family where everyone is supposed to get married in the same community. 5mnts ago when i was in united states i met a medico guy who got job as a post doc research fellow in the same hospital in which i was working for free and shifted to our apartment as a roommate . He was a bit reserved but very intelligent person and luckily we both belong to the same community.With in a mnth we became very good friends and used to enjoy our company.He was really impressed with my nature and looks. slowly he started showing interest and used to ask me if i can marry a person younger to me. Because he was not that good looking and 3yrs younger to me so i was not thinking in terms of a relationship but somewhere in my mind i was also impressed by his intelligence and being in the same profession and same community, I accepted when he proposed me one day.
He was very happy and told all of his friends about our relationship and also that we both are serious and going marry in future.Simultaneously he was also worried about his career and the exams which he has to give to apply for residency.I was already over with my exams so we both decided that we can get married after 2yrs after finishing of his exams as he has to do job simultaneously. He didnt want to leave the job as it was in one of the best hospital and atleast 2-3 yrs research experience to get the specialization for the branch he is aiming for.
With time our relation became stronger and we got engaged in sexual relationshiop but we both used to love and had trust on each other and we were sure that we will marry .
After few days i had to come back to our country as my stay was going to expire soon.We used to keep in touch by email or by phone.
He was expecting to finish of his 1st exam in september but unfortunately he could not study well as he had to devote time to learn new things in his job and also didnt get any results in his research projects till now. He also developed some eye problem for which he was advised surgery in the end of august.so everything was messed up. Most of his batchmates have given atleast 2 exams till now. so he started feeling sad and used to ask me to do my work and let him concentrate on his when i asked him for the reason for not calling me frequently.
Its been 3 weeks he didnt call me and i also didnt contact him as i used to mostly call him. But one day when i could not resist i wrote him an email asking whether he is taking me seriously or not. He replied that he is going through a bad phase of his life and he is depressed. he himself doesnt know where his life is going so he doesnt want to spoil anyone life because of him. He wrote he cannot support anyone life till next 4 yrs and you and your parents will not wait for 4 yrs that is why he stopped calling me and asked me not to contact him again.
One day later he send me another mail saying that he is sorry and need time to overcome his depression and to solve his problems and he wants to do it by himself as nobody can help him in this. he himself is not happy and already in guilt. he again continued that but this is sure that he cannot marry till next 4 yrs, so sorry and have a good life and dont ruin ur life for a bastard like me.and dont write or call me.
Please tell me what should i do? i havent mailed him since 1 wk thinking tht he might be disturbed but i also cannot concentrate on my work.so, Should i mail him now, what should i write? I cannot even say that i can wait till 4 yrs as may be my parents will not agree to that. sometimes i think not to mail him till i go there as i will be going again next month and can talk to him face to face and by that time may be he will feel better.I am also afraid that may be he will make him understand by that time and will not talk to me later if i will not contact him now. Please need sincere advice as i really attached to him and i dont want to marry anyone.
Thanks
Regards
Ruhi

Its hard to comment bc I don't know your community or how things operate there. It seems to be tho, that he has already "spoiled your life bc of him" by having sexual relations with you? Is that not true? It also seems that he has basically taken back his proposal - which is quite a dramatic thing to do. But the fact that he just stopped communicating w/you and didn't let you know what was happening is a bad sign. He obviously is not ready for marriage bc marriage means going through this stuff together. It means during the tough times, you help each other through it. He is clearly not able/ready/willing to do that at this time. He'd rather shut you out and not communicate with you. If I were you, I'd really wonder if you want to spend the rest of your life w/someone like that. I'd also wonder how he thinks he can propose marriage and then take it back so easily...would he have even told you if you didn't keep emailing him??
Good luck,
Dee