Please Help ME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Please Help ME!!!
48
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:25pm

I have been married to my husband for almost six years, we have two children, I am a full time student, and he's starting school in the fall. I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time. He always asks for it at the worst times, which just makes me feel discusted and used. To me, it seems that he places a value on sex that is way to high. In fact, he stated that if it doesnt change, and there is still a problem in a few years, he would consider divorce or cheating. That says to me that sex is only about him getting off, which turns me off even more. I dont think that a marriage should be based on sex, nor should it be as important as other issues. I also think that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage. Sex is an added bonus that is not needed for a successful marriage; love, trust, and faithfulness are.

We have tried to discuss it and have purchased a book on the subject. We did an excersise out of it were we had to list our favorite sexual stuff. His list compromised of things that people buy hookers for. Again, I felt discusting and used. I wanted to cry. I dont want to lose my husband, but I dont want to feel forced into doing things that I dont want to do.

Any suggestions as to solve this problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 4:34pm

Sounds like your relationship is doomed because I think you are only willing to do what YOU want to do and that isn't the relationships work. Compromise is important in any healthy relationship and if you aren't willing to compromise this will never work. I am NOT referring to the sexual things that disgust you and you should never do anything that you are not comfortable with, however; you have been married long enough to know whether you are using this as an excuse or not.

End the marriage get it over with for the sake of the children. It will get worse when he cheats and all heck breaks loose.

Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 5:55pm

That isnt exactly what I was looking for in an answer. I do thank your for taking the time to respond, but I am unwilling to end my marriage when the problem is just in the start and can be fixed. While he does do things that make me feel discusted, there must be a middle road. It's not that I dont want to compromise, it's that I dont want to feel forced into doing something. Resentment will kill marriage quicker than anything. Sex just isnt important to me, and I rarely (if ever) get the desire to have sex. To him, it is and he would like to have it a few times a week. I do meet him in the middle with it, but it's just getting to the point where it feels like another thing to do on my list of things to do. That, and, the things he likes seem wrong to me. Although most men do like the stuff that he likes.

I have suggested scheduling sex, he said no, he wants it spontaneous. I have suggested a marriage counsler, he said that wont help because it wont tell me why I hate sex, nor fix the problem. I keep saying that I'm not the entire problem, and his views on sex have something to do with it all. He claims that I'm in the minority on the subject and that I have the problem, not him. I have suggested (and begged) for more romance without sex being the end result. He listened, but didnt really say much. I listen to his opinion and take it to heart. All this talking, and no solved problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 6:46pm
It sounds as if both of you need to compromise, because you are not having your needs met, either. Start by reading the book "Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman. You may find that you and your husband see love in completely different ways. If he will read it, too (it's a very short book, so finding the time shouldn't be an issue), the two of you may be able to communicate better on this vital subject.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 6:58pm
Thanks for the recommendation. Can you get it at barnes and nobles? Is there any other books that you recommend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:03pm
Yes, Barnes and Noble will have it. There are many other excellent books, and people who post here will tell you about them. I recommend that one without reservation, because I feel that it saved my marriage.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:16pm

I have to say, if I were married and my husband told me what you've told your husband about sex, I don't know if I could stay married! To me, that connection that is forged through sex (not to mention the pleasure of it) is vitally important to a marriage. So it's really hard for me to understand and empathize with your POV although I of course respect it as yours. I'm curious--did he know this about you when you got married and married you anyway?

But in any event, you might suggest to him that while he may not think marriage counseling is going to help, doing nothing is *definitely* not going to help, so he may as well try counseling because he's much more likely to get at least some of what he wants that way. He can think that it's "your problem" all he wants, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whose problem it is if the end result is that both of you are unhappy with the status quo.

I agree with the Love Languages book suggestion but unless he's willing to read and implement it too, it may not help much.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:49pm
I think you may have a bigger problem here and the problem lies with your husband and not you for being addicted to sex and demanding it from you in spite of your unwillingness. So it is absolutely right for you to feel what you feel. This act should not make you feel used or disgusted and if you feel that way there must be something wrong with the situation. He pressures you into it therefore you refuse it. A very natural response. Your husbands needs to respect your emotions and you. I suggest he seek some counseling to understand where and when to draw a line to save ur marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 9:03pm
I've never thought of sex as being vitally important to a marriage, but before I had two children and became a full time student, I had more time to address those needs for him. I just think that a marriage should be based on things other than sex, and those other things should be what is focused on (love, trust, honestly, ect...). I've never really been enthusiastic about sex, I liked it, but never really cared for it. I talked to my husband today and he claims that my sex drive has diminished over the last 3 years, but he only started to complain about six months ago. I have a 17 month old and a six year old, so most of my energy is spent keeping up with them, not to mention my studies. Sex is a chore to me and is not enjoyable at all. I hate doing it, and prefer not to, but give in about every other week. My husband asks for it about 4 times a week, but I am to tired or just not in the mood from dealing with two demanding children all day. He works outside of the home, so he doesnt have to listen to the two of them fight all day, or complain, or cry, like I do. When he is home on the weekends, he goes to bed just as tired as I am during the week. Not to mention the things that he asks me to do, things that he knew when we got married that I dont like and prefer not to do (like oral sex), and then mopes when I say no. And if we do have sex, instead of cuddling after and making me feel like he actually wanted me instead of just getting off, he roles over and goes to sleep. That makes me feel used, and I hate that feeling. So, honestly, would you want to? I would rather spend the time catching up on school work or sleeping than having sex. I have tried to offer a middle ground, but he shoots it down. Every suggestion that I give, he gives a reason why that wont work. I looked into this and have done some research, but I get no where. I'm frustrated and feel more used every time he asks. It's gotten to the point that when we are intimate in other ways than sex, and he gets excited, I feel discusted and turned off completly. It ruins the mood. After reading that, he got all upset and stormed off with a "i'm sorry to discust you." What am I supposed to do? I dont want to have sex and he has the drive of a 18 year old. His getting excited every time we touch or kiss makes me think, why cant he be near me without wanting to get laid? I dont want to lose my marriage, and I want to come to a middle ground, but it almost seems impossible with him because he shoots everything down, but then tells me to fix the problem, but gives no suggestions as to how to. I'm at a loss and dont know what to do, other than just lay there and let him get his kicks, because that is what it would be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 9:12pm

To defend my husband, since he's not here to do so, he doesnt "demand" it, per say. He just asks, and I tell him no. His defense is that it's not wrong to want to make love to your wife. I'm not saying it is, but when your wife doesnt have any interest in it, it becomes a problem for both parties. Him because he wants it, and me because I dont. I've accused him of being addicted to sex, and then went and looked it up and he does not fit into any of the catagories.

I do think that he places to high a value on sex, because he feels that it's what makes us a married couple and not friends. I can see his point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 10:41pm

Hi Floralie,

I have been through the same decrease in sex drive when I started dating my DH. I had just started taking anti-depressants for an anxiety disorder so my sex drive just disappeared. My DH had a really hard time understanding why I never ever wanted to have sex. He was quite forward with it too and it didn't help with turning me on! I eventually talked to him and said while I was on the drugs I really had no interest in being physical. He took it well and we don't engage in much sexual activity at all.

But at the back of my mind I know that it is really tough for him. I've tried all kinds of things to get myself in the mood. I realized that if I just give in to him without enjoying it I'm not doing myself or him any favors.

Our bedroom sessions are still really rare but I make an effort to get into the mood at least once a week. I say that I get myself in the mood because it takes so long for me to get turned on that it'll never happen without my own "helping hand." That's the thing: if you care for him, YOU have to try. At least show him you're trying. Get yourself pumped up in the bathtub or read a sexy story. You really can't put it off by saying you have to study or take care of the kids. Of course there are things you'd rather do but you have to take his feelings into consideration for once, not just your own.

Try taking more control in the bedroom. It sounds like he has his way and doesn't take care of your pleasure first. So you may be controlling him by refusing sex. When it comes to oral sex - I don't know about you but I don't like it either. But he does, so help him out once in a while. He'll see you are trying, and he will be more willing to listen to your suggestions, and he will be more eager to please you the way that you like it. You gotta give some to get some.

If it's something important to him than it should be important to you as well. Sex shouldn't take precedence over love and trust of course, but it's obviously a big part of marriage and you can't just ignore it. Don't let it push you two apart.

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