Please Help ME!!!
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| Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:25pm |
I have been married to my husband for almost six years, we have two children, I am a full time student, and he's starting school in the fall. I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time. He always asks for it at the worst times, which just makes me feel discusted and used. To me, it seems that he places a value on sex that is way to high. In fact, he stated that if it doesnt change, and there is still a problem in a few years, he would consider divorce or cheating. That says to me that sex is only about him getting off, which turns me off even more. I dont think that a marriage should be based on sex, nor should it be as important as other issues. I also think that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage. Sex is an added bonus that is not needed for a successful marriage; love, trust, and faithfulness are.
We have tried to discuss it and have purchased a book on the subject. We did an excersise out of it were we had to list our favorite sexual stuff. His list compromised of things that people buy hookers for. Again, I felt discusting and used. I wanted to cry. I dont want to lose my husband, but I dont want to feel forced into doing things that I dont want to do.
Any suggestions as to solve this problem?

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Sounds like your relationship is doomed because I think you are only willing to do what YOU want to do and that isn't the relationships work. Compromise is important in any healthy relationship and if you aren't willing to compromise this will never work. I am NOT referring to the sexual things that disgust you and you should never do anything that you are not comfortable with, however; you have been married long enough to know whether you are using this as an excuse or not.
End the marriage get it over with for the sake of the children. It will get worse when he cheats and all heck breaks loose.
Cindy
That isnt exactly what I was looking for in an answer. I do thank your for taking the time to respond, but I am unwilling to end my marriage when the problem is just in the start and can be fixed. While he does do things that make me feel discusted, there must be a middle road. It's not that I dont want to compromise, it's that I dont want to feel forced into doing something. Resentment will kill marriage quicker than anything. Sex just isnt important to me, and I rarely (if ever) get the desire to have sex. To him, it is and he would like to have it a few times a week. I do meet him in the middle with it, but it's just getting to the point where it feels like another thing to do on my list of things to do. That, and, the things he likes seem wrong to me. Although most men do like the stuff that he likes.
I have suggested scheduling sex, he said no, he wants it spontaneous. I have suggested a marriage counsler, he said that wont help because it wont tell me why I hate sex, nor fix the problem. I keep saying that I'm not the entire problem, and his views on sex have something to do with it all. He claims that I'm in the minority on the subject and that I have the problem, not him. I have suggested (and begged) for more romance without sex being the end result. He listened, but didnt really say much. I listen to his opinion and take it to heart. All this talking, and no solved problem.
I have to say, if I were married and my husband told me what you've told your husband about sex, I don't know if I could stay married! To me, that connection that is forged through sex (not to mention the pleasure of it) is vitally important to a marriage. So it's really hard for me to understand and empathize with your POV although I of course respect it as yours. I'm curious--did he know this about you when you got married and married you anyway?
But in any event, you might suggest to him that while he may not think marriage counseling is going to help, doing nothing is *definitely* not going to help, so he may as well try counseling because he's much more likely to get at least some of what he wants that way. He can think that it's "your problem" all he wants, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whose problem it is if the end result is that both of you are unhappy with the status quo.
I agree with the Love Languages book suggestion but unless he's willing to read and implement it too, it may not help much.
Sheri
To defend my husband, since he's not here to do so, he doesnt "demand" it, per say. He just asks, and I tell him no. His defense is that it's not wrong to want to make love to your wife. I'm not saying it is, but when your wife doesnt have any interest in it, it becomes a problem for both parties. Him because he wants it, and me because I dont. I've accused him of being addicted to sex, and then went and looked it up and he does not fit into any of the catagories.
I do think that he places to high a value on sex, because he feels that it's what makes us a married couple and not friends. I can see his point.
Hi Floralie,
I have been through the same decrease in sex drive when I started dating my DH. I had just started taking anti-depressants for an anxiety disorder so my sex drive just disappeared. My DH had a really hard time understanding why I never ever wanted to have sex. He was quite forward with it too and it didn't help with turning me on! I eventually talked to him and said while I was on the drugs I really had no interest in being physical. He took it well and we don't engage in much sexual activity at all.
But at the back of my mind I know that it is really tough for him. I've tried all kinds of things to get myself in the mood. I realized that if I just give in to him without enjoying it I'm not doing myself or him any favors.
Our bedroom sessions are still really rare but I make an effort to get into the mood at least once a week. I say that I get myself in the mood because it takes so long for me to get turned on that it'll never happen without my own "helping hand." That's the thing: if you care for him, YOU have to try. At least show him you're trying. Get yourself pumped up in the bathtub or read a sexy story. You really can't put it off by saying you have to study or take care of the kids. Of course there are things you'd rather do but you have to take his feelings into consideration for once, not just your own.
Try taking more control in the bedroom. It sounds like he has his way and doesn't take care of your pleasure first. So you may be controlling him by refusing sex. When it comes to oral sex - I don't know about you but I don't like it either. But he does, so help him out once in a while. He'll see you are trying, and he will be more willing to listen to your suggestions, and he will be more eager to please you the way that you like it. You gotta give some to get some.
If it's something important to him than it should be important to you as well. Sex shouldn't take precedence over love and trust of course, but it's obviously a big part of marriage and you can't just ignore it. Don't let it push you two apart.
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