Please Help ME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Please Help ME!!!
48
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:25pm

I have been married to my husband for almost six years, we have two children, I am a full time student, and he's starting school in the fall. I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time. He always asks for it at the worst times, which just makes me feel discusted and used. To me, it seems that he places a value on sex that is way to high. In fact, he stated that if it doesnt change, and there is still a problem in a few years, he would consider divorce or cheating. That says to me that sex is only about him getting off, which turns me off even more. I dont think that a marriage should be based on sex, nor should it be as important as other issues. I also think that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage. Sex is an added bonus that is not needed for a successful marriage; love, trust, and faithfulness are.

We have tried to discuss it and have purchased a book on the subject. We did an excersise out of it were we had to list our favorite sexual stuff. His list compromised of things that people buy hookers for. Again, I felt discusting and used. I wanted to cry. I dont want to lose my husband, but I dont want to feel forced into doing things that I dont want to do.

Any suggestions as to solve this problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 10:57pm

I see what you are saying. Oral is out of the question though, I wont do it. And I dont read "sexy novels," I just dont like them.

I feel like I am the only one trying to solve a problem that I dont see as a problem. I love him to death, but honestly, i could care less about sex. The only reason why I am bending over backwards to fix this is that he's having such a hard time with it. I show him in other ways that I love him (like making his favorite dinner, kissing him often, and making sure that I look nice when he gets home, no matter how hard my day has been). With all those things, he should know that I love him, and not expect sex to make him see that. I am trying to not make it all about me, but when he asks for it, it's all about him. He wants to have sex, he wants to get off, he wants this and that, ect. ect. ect. There are so many other ways for him to say "hey, i love you" other than sex and I wish that he would do that instead. I think that I would get more fulfillment and be more open to having sex if he did do those things. I have told him that, but nothing has become of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:14pm

>>I show him in other ways that I love him (like making his favorite dinner, kissing him often, and making sure that I look nice when he gets home, no matter how hard my day has been<<

All those things can co-exist beautifully along side sex, but they cannot and will not replace sex for someone who desires it. It is my understanding that even the bible speaks of how important a sex life is within marriage.

But likewise, I can fully understand that without the nicities that you need, your sex drive has disappeared. Perhaps your husband doesn't understand that a woman's desire for sex starts in her brain and not in her groin.

By the way, you know how he rolls over and goes to sleep after? It's a chemical reaction. Totally normal behaviour. I've found it best to get my enjoyment BEFORE intercourse starts - that way we can both roll over and go to sleep satisfied.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:30pm

I think you put a lot of boundaries on yourself. Do you think about sex at all? Is there anything that turns you on? I think you need to explore yourself, not just your body but your mind, and open up to more ideas. By giving in to these self-imposed limits you are choking off your desire to learn more about your husband or yourself. This will definitely lead to resentment, if it hasn't already.

Looking nice for him and giving him a kiss is just fine - it shows you love him. But it's still not sexual, so to your DH it's not going to be enough. If you are truly willing to fix this, realize that it's going to be slow going and it will require changes in your attitude as well as his. If he won't see a counselor, I really recommend that you do, just to talk to someone about your own attitudes towards sex and to get some recommendations. You won't believe how good it feels to get some of this off your chest to someone who can really give good advice! Try it. Nothing will happen without change and whether that change is within you or within him, it will make a difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:50pm
I do understand that it's the man thing to do to roll over and go to sleep. It just still bugs me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:04am

No, I dont ever think about sex. There isnt really much that turns me on because I am usually ready to fall alseep when I get into bed, and sexual thoughts don't enter your mind when you are talking to young children. Opening up to anything sexual has always been hard for me. I dont have sexual desires anymore, I used to about my husband, but not in about a year. I dont like trying new things because they seem to much for me. I have a very conservative attitude about sex (if you havent noticed). My husband, on the other hand, if very open about his desires and fantasies. I try not to put them down, and some times have to bite my tongue at them to not show disgust when he tells me about some new thing he thought of or saw (he is a regular porn watcher).

I'm not sure what you mean by "self-imposed limits." Please elaborate.

Talking this out with ya'll has helped ALOT. Just being about to talk some frustrations out has felt alot better. I still dont want sex, but it's helped to have some one that I dont know (and doesnt know me) to talk this out. And, it's given me some new ideas to bring up to my husband, AND progress seems to have been made. We shall see what happens....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:58am

I have to say, if I heard those things you're saying about sex from a SO, it would devastate me, honestly. Your H obviously could do better in the romance dept but I can also understand how hurt HE must be to hear that his excitement for you disgusts you. I totally hear what you're saying about your fatigue and stress levels but I'm trying to give you how I would feel in his shoes as well.

Anyway, like I said before, I think you need to bottom line it with him--if he wants to see any improvement, he needs to go to counseling with you, period. If he's not willing to do that, then he must not want things to change that badly.

I just thought of something...have you tried posting on the Clashing Libidos board here on Ivillage? You might get some additional ideas there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 2:03am

I'm glad you are feeling more positive - talking about it is really a good step in the right direction. The limits I was talking about have a lot to do with your conservative attitude about sex. Having a conservative attitude is fine, you don't have to get all kinky to enjoy sex, but it sounds like you're using it as an excuse to not think about and therefore not to have sex. And placing sex in the category of a chore will definitely make it seem not fun; you'll never look forward to it.

I think the limits you're imposing on yourself have to do with what you do in private - if you can't read a sexy story online or even allow yourself to think about sex when the kids are asleep or you're in the shower then there is a part of yourself that isn't getting developed. Thinking about sex is one thing that you can do for yourself to make you feel good, and it's something you don't have to rely on your husband for. You don't even have to think about him!

Create for yourself a world where you feel like you can do anything and you may start feeling more open to sexual ideas. There's no risk and there's nothing to lose - it's all in your head! You may have to force yourself at first, but later you'll find it more enjoyable and it will become easier and more natural. You should be able to feel comfortable thinking and feeling sexy so you can have the confidence to share it with your husband.

About him watching porn regularly, that's a sure sign that something's not right in the sex department. For one thing, what they do in porn is so out-of-touch from what normal people do that he may be expecting over-the-top things from you, things that would probably make a lot of women uncomfortable. I've tried watching porn with my husband as a way to get in the mood with him, but the things they do look like they are not only uncomfortable for the women, but it even looks like it would hurt! His ideas of sex may have become skewed from watching so much porn - is this a habit he developed after you got married or is it something he's always done?

By the way, he doesn't sound sensitive to your sexual needs, as if he's never pleased you...is this true? Does he need to work on his skills? A bad lover is a definite turn-off, and teaching him can be difficult, especially when you don't know what you want yourself. But it works...if you open up to him. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:56am
no sheri, I didnt. But I can..:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 9:41am

He's been watching and enjoying porn since he hit puberty. He found his father's playboys and went from there. There was a point that I thought he was addicted to porn, and I still think that he has tendencies to go back to that. I do think that he has a warped sense of sex because of the things he wants me to do. Women **normally** dont like the things he wants ( a three-some, anal, ect). Granted, he doesnt expect me to do the three-some (and I refuse to anyhow and is one of his fantacies that I had to hide my disgust for, but I have read that ALOT of men have), but he does want me to do the others. Most of these fantacies are things he saw on a porno. He often looks at it, and my computer is riddled with it. I hate it, but it's better than him going out in the real world to look at women.

What suggestions do you have as to getting sex off the chore list?

I'm not sure that I can focus on sex like you say, atleast right off the bat. I'll surely try, but I dont think that I will get very far for a few months on that.

I've been with my husband since I was 16 years old. Althought I was not a virgin when I met my husband, I was sexually inexperienced. He's the first (and only) person I made love to and the first (and only) person I have done ALOT with. I dont have enough to compare to to say that he is or isnt a good lover. Up until six months ago, I had NO IDEA that there was a problem. I hadnt even notice that our sex life was starving, and in my defense, i was pregnant and caring for a infant for the last three years (when my husband says that I started to lose it). I dont know what does it for me, and what doesnt. I have always just gone with the flow with sex, because growing up, I got the impression that sex was ment to please the guy, not the woman (I now know differently). Before I moved where I am (my dad was in the marines), I lived in a small town, with small town views. It's not so small here, and there are more liberal views on sex and relationships here. That in itself took some getting used to. My husband's family is very open with sex, I often talk with my mother in law (who is also a VERY close friend) about sex and problems with it. My parents are very closed about it, and sex is a taboo subject to them. My mother in law got me to see that sex could be good for the woman too, and wasnt all about the man.

A friend of mine and my husband's, suggested to read a "smut" book (as she put it). She claims it makes her more open and wanting sex more often. She too, has had a baby and we were pregnant together for about four months. My son is six months older than her daughter. And, ironically, our older children are only two weeks apart. Anyhow, I suggested to my husband that I should maybe read one of these books because it was also suggested here, just to see if it does anything. I'm really trying to fix this problem, and have cried over it. I pretty much willing to do ANYTHING so that my husband is happy (and me too, of course). I'm not sure that I will like it to much, but anything is worth a try.




Edited 7/8/2007 9:48 am ET by floralie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:33am

As I have read your posts, I've noticed a recurrent pattern:

1. It drives you nuts when your husband keeps importuning you endlessly for sex;

2. You have (very sensibly) suggested scheduling it, but he wants it to be spontaneous.

Here's a thought that might work for you. Sex is a basic human need, and when your husband doesn't have this need met, he asks for it. If he needed food, and you never served a meal, he would keep asking for it, hoping that at some point you would give him something to eat. You want to control the time, place, and frequency of your sexual encounters because of stress, tiredness, and your other responsibilities. He wants sex to be spontaneous.

You could prevent the irritating importuning by deciding in advance when it would fit into your schedule to have sex. DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING ABOUT IT. When the evening for sex arrives, make your arrangements, and invite your husband to join you in the bedroom. This will appear to him to be spontaneous (because he's not keeping the schedule), and he will also feel that you desire him (because you're making the arrangements). You will have to do this often enough that he will not need to beg, but since you'll be deciding on the schedule that should not pose a problem. Try not to select a particular night to have sex all the time, or it will no longer seem spontaneous to your husband.

I understand that you don't particularly care about sex, but I don't particularly care about vacuuming. I do it as an expression of my love for my husband, who values Acts of Service and feels loved when he receives them. That's from the Five Love Languages book; I hope you'll be able to read it very soon.