Please Help ME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Please Help ME!!!
48
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:25pm

I have been married to my husband for almost six years, we have two children, I am a full time student, and he's starting school in the fall. I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time. He always asks for it at the worst times, which just makes me feel discusted and used. To me, it seems that he places a value on sex that is way to high. In fact, he stated that if it doesnt change, and there is still a problem in a few years, he would consider divorce or cheating. That says to me that sex is only about him getting off, which turns me off even more. I dont think that a marriage should be based on sex, nor should it be as important as other issues. I also think that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage. Sex is an added bonus that is not needed for a successful marriage; love, trust, and faithfulness are.

We have tried to discuss it and have purchased a book on the subject. We did an excersise out of it were we had to list our favorite sexual stuff. His list compromised of things that people buy hookers for. Again, I felt discusting and used. I wanted to cry. I dont want to lose my husband, but I dont want to feel forced into doing things that I dont want to do.

Any suggestions as to solve this problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:39am

As soon as I have the funds to purchase it, I will do so. Thanks for that idea, I will be using it. :) I never even thought about doing that.

As I said before, talking this out with ya'll has helped ALOT. I am actually feeling better about the situation and seeing his, and other points of view, more clearly. I have even found new ground to approach the subject with my husband and feel that we have made some progress, and he seems open to the suggestions that I have brought up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:53pm
Great! Please keep us informed; we're here to support you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:18pm

Cinderella is right on point!

For what ever reason, you and your husband are a very bad match -- he wants sex and you don't. Your husband is saying outright that sex is a critical aspect of marriage, an outright deal breaker. You disagree. There's nothing to compromise here, there's no more you husband can give. The two of you have no sex life and that is not going to change in the foreseeable future.

Its reasonable for your husband to seek you, his wife, for sex. Depriving your spouse of sex is a hostile act. Your situation goes beyond mis-matched libidos.

By the way, what do you think you husband should do about sex? Just because you do not want sex does not mean he has to feel the same way.

He's talking to you about his interest in sex. Taking that "quiz" thing meant that he's sharing an intimate part of himself -- there are a lot of spouses that would give their eye-teeth for a husband to do that. So again, the two of you are a bad match.

As cinderella said, end this marriage, its a sham. End it quickly because the two of you are a very very bad match, and things are only going to get worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:40pm

Again, I am unwilling to end my marriage over sex. I am deeply in love with my husband, and him with me. As far as sex goes, I wish he would wait for me to be ready, but that's not going to happen.

Furthermore, my marriage is not a "sham" and is fulfilling in so many other ways. Sex is not everything in a marriage, and certaintly should not be what causes a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:54am

Flora -- Your marriage is ending because you and your husband are not clearly communicating about sex. You and your husband are not on the same page.

Marital sex is a basic issue of marital compatibility. You and your husband are not compatible in this area at thsi time.

Therefore, your marriage is in crisis.

My point is that the "sex" issue is very important to your husband. The two of you are not addressing sex in a manner that is productive or useful.

This is the kind of problem that gives rise to resentment. And resentment KILLS marriages. (You can work through hurt and anger, resentment just sits and festers.)

Before moving forward, you need to understand and know yourself: are you willing to be the sexual wife your husband seeks? If you have no real intent to be sexual with your husband, you need to be honest and he ought to know in clear and precise terms. If you intend to be sexual with your husband, you need to think about how to make that happen.

Based on your previous posts, I think your husband has been very clear with you.

Not every one shares the same interest or intensity in sex. Its okay to feel this way. What is not okay is to hide this information from your husband. Its not okay to pretend that "someday" sex will be better.

The two of you need to be talking in honest, frank and plain terms. And that may be uncomfortable for one or both of you. But in the long run, it will help your relationship.

You did not seem to answer the question -- what is your husband supposed to do about sex ? Is it okay if he masturbates? Would you be willing to hold him while he does? Should he masturbate alone? Is he allowed to see you naked as a sexual stimulus? Can he seek relief with a prostitue or strip clubs? Should he try to not have any sexual feelings at all (requiring a reversible medical solutions such as chemical castration)?

Have you discussed what he can do (instead of focusing on what he cannot).

And what are you doing about the lack of sex and sexual feelings? Do you see this as an issue or problem? Do you have an interest in being sexual? Are you and your husband sexually compatible? Are you seeking an abstinate marriage? Are you seeing a councelor? Have you discussed your situation with your doctor/oby-gyn? Has your interest in sex changed over the years?

You should check out the "mis-matched" libidos board. Its for spouses who have been forced to live (essentially) without sex and how they deal with it. And you should have your husband check it out also, it may provide him support.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:26am

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I think what people here are trying to point out is that this is YOUR *opinion*. MANY people, including your husband, don't share this opinion.

To me, sex is not THE most important element of a marriage, but for me, I can't feel emotionally intimate with my partner WITHOUT physical/sexual intimacy. Therefore, I'm not using my partner to "get off", I'm wanting to share intimacy with him. This is just another perspective when you're resenting your husband, thinking he just wants to use you to get off. He's not. He wants to be intimate WITH YOU.

I'd also end a marriage over lack of sex if my husband weren't willing to address the problem. IMO, a marriage without sex is a platonic friendship, and I have enough of those.

I'd highly recommend marriage counseling, and if he won't go, then go by yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:58am


1) are you willing to be the sexual wife your husband seeks?

Althought I dont want sex, I'm willing to do anything to save this aspect of our marriage because it is important to my husband. However, I dont want to just lay there. I want to be an active participant in sex. I see how it hurts my husband when he is told no, and it hurts me to see that in his eyes. I just wish he would see that it's not him i'm turing down, it's sex. I would LOVE other contact with him that could be just as satisfying to the both of us. That other contact may lead to sex that is pleasurable to the both of us.

2) Not every one shares the same interest or intensity in sex. Its okay to feel this way. What is not okay is to hide this information from your husband. Its not okay to pretend that "someday" sex will be better.

I've opened up to him and expressed my feelings. Everything that I've written, i've told him aswell. And then offered to let him read my posts.

3)You did not seem to answer the question -- what is your husband supposed to do about sex ? Is it okay if he masturbates? Would you be willing to hold him while he does? Should he masturbate alone? Is he allowed to see you naked as a sexual stimulus? Can he seek relief with a prostitue or strip clubs? Should he try to not have any sexual feelings at all (requiring a reversible medical solutions such as chemical castration)?

He has always masturbated, and I've been fine with that. Although he wants sex about 2 to 4 times a week, he also seeks other pleasures. I have held him, stood naked, and even done it for him. No, he cannot seek relief with a prostitute, I dont want an STD. I would never have sex with him again if I found out that he got a hooker. I would also promptly file for divorce. Same with the strip club. To me, a strip club is cheating. I have very stong feelings on that one, and he respects that and does not go to strip clubs. Of course he should have sexual feelings. I'm not saying that. Everything I've written has been my feelings, I wanted to give the entire picture. My husband is very open with sex and views it as ok, I have a very closed attitude towards sex and view it as something dirty. I was raised that way and it is a big hang up in my husband's eyes. Infact, he thinks that may be 80% of the problem.

4)Have you discussed what he can do (instead of focusing on what he cannot)

I asked him for more romance, well begged him actually. Off point, but I initiated sex last night b/c i wasnt as tired as i usually am. And it turned into a fight afterwards. He got emotional because I didnt get as much pleasure from him as he did frome me. I didnt do it for me, I did it for him. I got the pleasure out of cuddling and watching his eyes, but not the sex.

5) And what are you doing about the lack of sex and sexual feelings? Do you see this as an issue or problem? Do you have an interest in being sexual? Are you and your husband sexually compatible? Are you seeking an abstinate marriage? Are you seeing a councelor? Have you discussed your situation with your doctor/oby-gyn? Has your interest in sex changed over the years?

I've researched low sex drive in women (which I found to be common, according to an article on webmd.com), and have tried all the suggestions on this board. I only see it as an issue because of my husband's pain, like I said, sex is on the bottom of my list of things to do. I'm working on getting it off my list, but it's still there as of right now. Before our kids and school, he was pleased with our sex life. When I was pregnant with both children, I wanted it all the time because of the hormones going through my body. No, I am not seeking an abstinate marriage, that unrealistic with a high sex drive partner. I'm scheduling an appointment today with a doctor to have my hormones tested. Yes, my interest in sex has changed. While still less important to me than my husband, we used to have sex often. I always (and still) view sex as icing on the cake. A perk to being in a committed relationship, but not a large part of the overall happiness.

I've already posted this on there, and for the most part, felt attacked for busting my ass to solve this problem. I felt that they viewed me having a low/non-existent sex drive as wrong, and I should just give it up any time my husband wants it. That's not healthy in my opinion. However, I did get one person who was understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:13am

It doesnt feel that way though. It feels like he just want to get off, not be intimate with me.

Yes, those are my opinions. I'm not trying to push them on anyone. I'm trying to give the big picture as to what is going on. If i had just come on here and said "I dont want sex," then the suggestions would have been tailored to some one that has lost their sex drive. Although I lost what little I had, it wouldnt have worked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:31am

Thank you for your reply Flora.

It sounds like both you and your husband are actively dealing with sex. And that's great! Your previous posts sounded like your marriage was already over.

You and your husband are communicating, and things are getting out in the open.

Two things.

First, when you ask your husband to be more romantic, are you asking for specific measureable, concrete things do do? Asking for "more romance" tends to be a very frustrating request that will end with everyone disappointed. Do you want him to touch you? If so how? Just hold your hand, brush your hair, back rub, front rub? It sounds like if you tell him, he'll try.

Second, sex is supposed to feel good. Physically! If its not, I'd want you to determine if its organic (and you have already scheduled an appointment with a doctor), is it a technique issue, or is it a mental/emotional issue?

As to technique: do you masturbate? More to the point, do you know how to make yourself orgasm and do you bring yourself to orgasm? (Do you know how your body operates?) Does your husband know how? Part of his sexual enjoyment is probably giving sexual pleasure to you. (These are self-directed questions for you and your husband -- I really don't need to know and I am not expecting a posted answer.)

As mentioned before, couples counceling would be a good thing to do. There's a lot of upset (with both of you) around sex. Counceling may provide a means to negotiate the upset. For example, your husband may feel as if he is using you if he cannot give you pleasure -- so the ensuing fight is about his feelings of sexual failure.

Staying married is a battle and hard work. Stay with and please keep trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:36am

"It feels like he just want to get off, not be intimate with me. "

Sometimes, that's just the way men are.

If you have it in yourself to do this, try to see this as a compliment to you and your marriage. Your husband wants to "just get off" with you, his wife. In some ways, that is one of the most intimate aspects of a man's sexuality. And he's sharing it with you, his wife.