Please Help ME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Please Help ME!!!
48
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:25pm

I have been married to my husband for almost six years, we have two children, I am a full time student, and he's starting school in the fall. I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time. He always asks for it at the worst times, which just makes me feel discusted and used. To me, it seems that he places a value on sex that is way to high. In fact, he stated that if it doesnt change, and there is still a problem in a few years, he would consider divorce or cheating. That says to me that sex is only about him getting off, which turns me off even more. I dont think that a marriage should be based on sex, nor should it be as important as other issues. I also think that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage. Sex is an added bonus that is not needed for a successful marriage; love, trust, and faithfulness are.

We have tried to discuss it and have purchased a book on the subject. We did an excersise out of it were we had to list our favorite sexual stuff. His list compromised of things that people buy hookers for. Again, I felt discusting and used. I wanted to cry. I dont want to lose my husband, but I dont want to feel forced into doing things that I dont want to do.

Any suggestions as to solve this problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 7:45pm

I know I'm only on post 12 but I wanted to share my experience. A couple years ago I started going through the same thing, only it was my husband who wouldn't have sex with me. Maybe you don't think it's important to a marriage but it IS. His refusing to have sex with me really took it's toll. He tried to be nice about it and make excuses but at the then of the day I felt ugly, unloved, unwanted, boring, unfulfilled and like a roommate. Sure he did other things to show me he loved me and told me that often when he'd decline sex, but it doesn't make it easier and it didn't change my feelings.

To me sex is a truly intimate act that brings my husband and I closer together than we could ever be with others. You can make your friends nice dinners, buy them little presents to show you love them, tell them you love them and how much they mean to you but...friends don't have sex. It's that extra special intimacy that doesn't happen between you and anyone else and when your spouse refuses it, it CAN break the marriage.

Eventually we spotted the reason he wasn't up for it and our counselor did have us schedule sex. It really sucked at first...I had to make my husband have sex with me as homework, I cried all the time. But now it's more of a spontaneous thing that has brought us back on track and has HELPED our marriage.

Your husband wanting to have sex with his wife a few times a week is NOT a sex addiction. People have different wants and needs and like others have said, different love languages. If I was your husband and you told me what you told him I hate to say it but...I'd be rethinking the marriage as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 7:52pm

You replied to oldnimrod that >>Again, I am unwilling to end my marriage over sex. <<

That may be true, but your husband very bravely (I say bravely because some people are cowards and choose to take off or simply cheat) came to you and told you that he IS willing to end your marriage over sex and that he has thought about cheating. Most women don't get that, most just get cheated on or the old heave ho.

He's reaching out to you, you know? I'm not saying that you should be forced into anything, but can you not see he's bravely reaching out to his wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 11:50pm
Oh yes, I do see that. I just dont fully understand what the big deal is. I dont see it as that important, and I have conflicting views on sex. It's just not that big to me, and sometimes his "needs" make me feel used.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:58pm
I think you need to see a counselor regarding your issues with sex. Have you looked into it and the cost/referral? Go to a library or used book store and ger MArs and Venus in the Bedroom. The librarians and cashiers don't give weird looks- they sell all types of books and have seen it all and honestly what is more important- a look or a saved marriage.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 11:16am

>>I just dont fully understand what the big deal is.<<

Therein lies the issue.

I think what you're not quite understanding is that your views on sex, as well as your aversion to it, is NOT normal.

MOST women do NOT feel as you do.

For this reason, you really should get some help to explore your feelings. Is your marriage worth it?

edited to add:
>>I wish he would wait for me to be ready, but that's not going to happen<<

Maybe he would be more willing to wait if he knew you were taking action to become "ready". If you're just waiting for something within you to change without actually *doing* something about it, I can see his point. If you're not getting counseling, reading a book, doing SOMEthing that he can see, feel, etc., then you shouldn't (nor should he) expect anything to change.




Edited 7/13/2007 11:18 am ET by blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:42pm

Hun,

It sounds to me like you personally may have some kind of issue with sexual intercourse. Either you have had an experience that has turned you off completely away from sex, or something personal may have happened for you to feel this way towards the activity.

I am sure you understand that Marriage consists of many, many compromises and much, much communication. And inorder for a marriage to work, you won't believe it but sex does play a part in marriage and if it will work properly. Sex is a bonding moment between husband and wife and is not always about procreation.

Is this feeling something you have had even before you married him, or did this feeling of being disgusted towards sex arise during your marriage? The only thing I can say, is that perhaps you, personally, should see a sex counselor and try to figure out a way that would help you overcome your disgust for something intimate and look for a solution that may work for you that your husband may have to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:54pm

Floralie,

Since you have mentioned your husband is a frequent porn watcher; doesn't that bother you a bit? This is the cause of it, he is seeking pleasure else where because unfortunately you are unwilling to give that sort of pleasure to him.

If you value your marriage so much, you would be willing to compromise and give him what he wants REGARDLESS of how it may disgust you. Compromise, compromise, compromise is what makes a marriage work, and if your are unwilling to compromise even to please your own husband sexually, what is your husband suppose to do in the mean time? If this continues any longer you will push your husband so far away that it will result in an affair.

You MUST somehow get over your disgust, and seek help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 7:58pm

>>I don't see it as that important<<

I thought this was interesting. Today, on the Today show they were talking about a new study that shows the top 3 things that make a healthy marriage work and stay healthy. Fidelity was #1, #2 was sex. I thought you might find that interesting.

Although you don't see it as a big deal, apparently a good portion of people do, including your husband.

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